An unexpected friendship

I made a friend. I made my first proper friend since I was 16. I can’t believe it. I was getting to the point where I wasn’t even sure if it was possible for me to make a real, actual friend. But I think I have!

Of course, I’ve got many ‘friends’. People who I like to hang around with, people to talk to, people to do things with. But there’s really not very many people in this world who I trust, and when I find someone who I can trust, I consider it to be very special.

I’ve made a friend this year who makes me laugh, makes me want to get out of bed to eat breakfast with her in the morning, and who I trust. She doesn’t freak out when I have a minor essay stress, and we drive to Tesco to buy pudding at 10pm on a weeknight. It’s great fun!

She’s starting to trust me too, as I’m starting to trust her, and that’s a little scary. To me, trust is the main constitution of a true friendship. But I’m not going to complain about a new friend! I’m super happy! I can’t wait for her to come back to our house tomorrow!

Here’s to 5 more months of laughter before we no longer live together. I’m excited, and a blossoming new friendship makes me feel like I’ve achieved something, and makes me destinctly more positive about life when things feel like they should make me want to hide in the dark. It’s always good to know you’ve got more than one person to lean on, and it’s good to know that at least one of them isn’t thousands of miles away!

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Forgotten How to Cry

I’ve forgotten how to cry. I want and need to cry so much that it is physically hurting that I can’t. But it doesn’t help, and the tears still won’t fall.

I’ve had a stressful, busy and tiring week, and I have a stressful weekend of essay writing ahead. I hurt. I ache. I have had fun this week but when I’m overtired, reality has a tendency to come crashing down and smack me in the face, and I need a little support to ride through that.

But I’m at a loss of who to turn to. Nobody has asked ‘hey, are you okay?’ and so the stinging in my eyes gets stronger, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I just need somebody to hug me tight, tell me it’ll be okay, and let me cry.

If I wanted to be really needy, I would want that to be a very specific person. But I can’t have that person, she’s too far away and much too busy. I’d take anyone right now, I just want to let go.

Please talk to me, hug me. I’m afraid what might happen if you don’t.

The Thing I Was Most Afraid to Loose

Sometimes asking for help can be harder than accepting the truth.

You can accept that all is not okay, but you’re too afraid of that truth to talk, to tell anyone. You can’t even tell those who mean the most of you. You try. Sort of. There’s always an escape though, and it’s not until night time strikes again that you remember the game you’re playing.

Your days are filled with laughter, but your nights are filed with fear of the truth, and the terrors of your past start to haunt you. You don’t know why.

The last few months have been fantastic. Absolutely brilliant, I’ve been surviving better than ever before! Recently though, I have a constant pit of fear in my stomach, but that feeling makes me so uneasy that I daren’t tell anyone.

I’m okay, I’m having a fantastic time, I really am! But sometimes this feeling swallows me, and I’m afraid. I want to cry, but I just can’t. I can’t cry, I can’t speak, and there’s nobody to trust, and nobody to hug. I just sit at the back of the cave, and be.

I am a person who needs love, and who thrives on love and care. I’m also a person who needs people to care about. Sometimes, those two things, separately or combined, do me harm, but I need them. And sometimes they do more good than I could ever imagine.

Regardless, without them, I am lost. Without care and love and someone to trust, I am broken. My days can be the best days of my life, but without someone to hold me when I trip and fall, life is terrifying. The demons make me feel sick. The days are good – I laugh, I smile, I work hard, I’m focussed… But a part of me needs to care, needs to listen, needs to talk, and needs to hug. I don’t have that any more, and that was the thing I was always most afraid to loose. I’ve been so happy I didn’t realise, but there’s nobody there to listen anymore.

I don’t want to break. I won’t allow myself to break. This life is too good to ruin.

But the security of a hug could change everything some times, even if that is a hug is a hello, a moment of laughter, or the sharing of excitement. It doesn’t have to be an unhappy tearful hug. It just has to show safety.

Security is everything, but I feel like that security has run away, and now I’m too scared to chase it down in case I can’t find it again.

Funny Feeling

I’m having a funny afternoon. I think I’m just extremely overtired, the blister on my foot is excruciating, and it’s playing havoc with my emotions a little. I’ve had funny afternoons before, lots of them, and lots worse ones than this, but it doesn’t make it any less weird and surprising to find myself on the verge of tears for no logical reason.

I have asked my friend, several times over the last few days, ‘Are you okay?’ She looks confused every time. ‘Of course’ – but what I really want her to say is ‘Yes, are you?’. While I would probably say ‘Yes, fine,’ (despite it not being completely true) it may just make me feel a little less strange and a little less isolated.

I know it’s bizzare, but like I just said, I’m having a funny afternoon. I’m having one of those days where I just want someone to hug me without reason, or to say something, or talk about something which is truly interesting to me. To engage with me, a way where I can choose to either be content with listening and feel comforted, or over-animatedly talk back.

I don’t know if I want silence and being alone, chatter, or hugs and calm. I’m extremely tired, so I’m hoping a nap will help, because while I know I am definitely more okay now, and have been more okay this last year than I have been in a long time, it’s still scary. I have no reasons to be achey and to feel this need to hide. There’s no reason why I need someone to hug me right now, except I feel weird. There’s no real stories to tell or tears to shed, but slipping into this weird feeling of emptiness still worries me, and reminds me of a time much more gross and stomach-churning than the present.

Scars

I haven’t responded to a Daily Prompt for ages. Ages and ages. Today I stumbled across it when I came here to write a post. It fitted my thoughts and feelings perfectly. It summarised what I wanted to write, so I am using the Daily Prompt today. It means I have to think a little less, and that will help.

I am revising for exams at the moment. One of my units is, essentially, about the brain. That of course means studying mood disorders: depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, the list goes on.

I find the brain so engaging and interesting and mind blowingly cool (excuse the unintentional pun). But that doesn’t make some of the topics any easier, when I have to revise them over and over again. Studying the brain makes me revisit memories, scars, I guess that you could say. It makes me remember things that I try my hardest not to think about. It pulls at my heart and pushes me over, and it breaks me. I’m trying not to let it break me. This is science, and it doesn’t have to involve looking back at the things that hurt me, but it does. I just can’t help it.

Leavers dinner, afternoon’s in coffee shops, summer drives, tears, late nights, fear, worry, love, pain, friendship.

It hurts. I’m trying not to cry. I have to take an exam on this. I have another three weeks of revision to get through before that exam. But memories are impairing my revision, and I need someone so badly to come and hold me and tell me that I don’t need to worry about the past. I want to be safe, and I want everyone else to be safe. But nobody is ever really safe. Everyone is haunted by their past, scars never go away, mental illness doesn’t go away, and it makes me fear for so many people in my life.

Fear of the Unknown

I am afraid of the future. I’m excited, but at the same time, it absolutely terrifies me. In some ways, that makes it even more exciting though, and I love that recently I have learnt to embrace feeling scared and turn it into a positive. When I am overtired though, it doesn’t make the achey feeling in my stomach any easier to handle, knowing that nerves can be the same as excitement. Especially not when those nerves stem from the thought of another year of teaching being over in less than three weeks, and another exam season beginning. Especially not when the fear is due to moving again in September to a new location, starting a new job, meeting new people, and learning to cope again. Especially not when I am terrified of my family this summer, and if we will remain a family with the tensions caused by my brother in the house.

I don’t know what is happening. I can’t control the future, and there are some situations that I cannot meticulously plan for like I do in every other aspect of my life, and it makes me feel a bit sick. In fact, today, it has been making me feel extremely sick, hot, and queasy, despite supposedly being in a lab where I needed to be focused.

My thoughts are no longer thought’s, they’re simply inexplainable feelings that I cannot give names to. I don’t think about what it is that’s scaring me, I just feel afraid. I can’t control my feelings when I can’t name them or reason for them. I don’t like that very much, either.

To be honest, I’m not really scared of the future – that’s the exciting bit. I’m simply scared of the unknown. That is as far from exciting as you can get. That’s petrifying.

Mental Health

They told me that 1 in 3 people will be diagnosed with a mental health problem. I nodded.

They told me that depression is a serious illness, and you can’t just ‘snap out of it’. I nodded.

They told me that the stigma of mental health needed to be broken. I nodded.

And then mental health started swallowing the people closest to me, and suddenly nodding wasn’t enough any more. This was real, and nobody ever taught us how to cope with that.

I think, I calculated when drunk last night, that there’s around 10 people who I’m not sure I could live with out. I think half of them have an issue with mental health. Eating disorders, self harm, depression, and other variations much more complicated than I’m ever able to understand. Some days, even for me, it can be a battle of fear to get up. Im terrified of a slip that will mean I lose them forever. I’m worried about them, and I think about them all, every single day.

And then, in ways much much less serious than my friends, demons started swallowing me, too. I’ve never admitted that to myself before. I’ve never accepted that in my own little way, I’m not normal. But it’s true, and I’m very lucky that right now, my life is going very well for me! This past 6 months or so has been awesome.

But mental health, especially when it concerns those who you really care about, is scary. I wish I’d written this post when I thought of it. Last night’s panic wouldn’t have happened if not for the alcohol, and 100 meters of darkness. Last night’s panic wouldn’t have happened if I’d had written this post last week when I first thought of it. Last week, when one of my very good friends took an overdose, and tried to commit suicide.

It’s scary. It’s absolutely crushingly scary, but I carried on with awkward laughter through my last week at university. And then I realised that I also had a million deadlines, and I wonder why I’ve had a headache for a week!

I’m lucky to be able to say that it wasn’t the end. My best friend told me, a long long time ago, that if it’s not okay, it’s not the end yet. Perhaps one day the end may come while it’s not okay, but for now, we have to live our lives with hope. I have to jump back onto the mountain that I fell off last week, stay as positive as I can, and bash out another set of exams, just like I did in January.

Sometimes you need to cry, and that’s okay. That’s human. Especially when it involves close friends and mental health. Life was never designed to be easy, but it’s a shame that school never made us better prepared for these situations, when they rolled off their facts to a classroom of nods.

Now, in my degree, when before lecturing on schizophrenia or depression, they give us those same basic facts that they told us in school, I don’t just nod. I breathe, I swallow, and I think, love and hope. It may just be facts for many of you, but it’s my reality, and I wouldn’t change my friends or family for the whole entire world.

5 days later

I have had a headache for five days. It’s probably a tension headache, or maybe I just need an eye test, but it’s agonising. It’s sitting in the back of my head, refusing to budge no matter how much water I drink or pain meds I take. I gave up with the pain meds 2 days ago, but I have a Skype meeting this evening that I cannot miss, so I’m going to try again.

It’s exhausting, I have too much to do, and I’ve just dissolved into tears. I’m going home tomorrow, but I’m off to volunteer for a week on Sunday. I’m only home for 24 hours before I need to be a responsible adult, and I can’t go feeling like this.

I can feel my shoulders raised, but I can’t relax them. My head is excruciating, and I really am not coping this evening. I need a hug, that’s the only time I’ve ever been able to physically feel tension swim out of my body.

I want to go home. I want to go to bed. I want this to go away. I have too many other things on my plate right now.

Feeling Weird

I’m feeling weird today. I think I’m probably just overtired, but today, I don’t want people, I don’t want work, and I don’t want stress. Today, I want to sit on my own, in the dark. I’ve cried today. I cried at university, right in the middle of one of the eating places. I was on my own, in the sense there was nobody I knew, but there were plenty of strangers around to watch me.

I wanted to go to bed early tonight, but I have to wash up. Perhaps I’ll leave some for the morning. I don’t know yet.

I hope I’m just exhausted, I hope that this isn’t a crack in the beautiful positive life I’ve been building recently. Today, even my Rainbow unit didn’t make me happy. I had a constant ringing in my ears, a dizzy feeling, and as soon as I got on the bus home, I felt an overwhelming feeling of sleepiness.

I cannot do today, and I cannot do people. I can’t concentrate on work, and I’m afraid that this may be slipping back in as a habit. I know that this is anxiety taking it’s toll. I’ve been learning all about anxiety, depression, OCD, everything to do with the brain. The lectures make me uneasy, but I hope it will help me to accept some of my feelings, and some things about myself that are simply fact. I don’t know, I had been doing so well. I’ve been so positive and happy that this feeling terrifies my even more, and I can feel myself entering a cycle again.

I had been doing so well, but not today. You can tell, this blog doesn’t make sense. I’m jumbled. I don’t think straight when I feel this way, and that’s why I can’t work. It’s 7.45pm. I’m going to bed soon. I need to talk, to write, something.

Writing isn’t helping today. I don’t feel any relief when I’m writing this. I have a fear that I may just burst at any second.

Please, someone help me, before it’s too late.