But recently, I’m afraid of a different type of dark. I’m afraid to curl up in bed at night and try to sleep. I’m afraid to be left alone to face the darkness. Because although I think I’m finally learning that there is light at the end of my tunnel, and I’ll make it through my exams, I don’t think that there is light at the end of hers.
Have you ever worried about someone so much that it makes you feel physically ill? Your brain doesn’t have the capacity to take anything else in because you’re just worrying. Constant worry. Three-hundred-and-sixty-five-days-24-hour-stomach-wrenching fear. What if I go to sleep tonight and I wake up and she’s not here any more? What then? It’ll be my fault, won’t it?
I’m sat on the side, just watching, and waiting. But what am I waiting for? It won’t just go away. I know where this will go, and I know what will happen. I’ve seen it happen and I swore that I would never again watch someone end up in a hospital bed with a tube in their mouth. But I’m allowing it to happen. Because I’m weak. And the weak part of me is convinced by her lies. ‘It’ll get better,’ she says. ‘There is nothing wrong with me. I don’t want help. I’m happy.’ What about when you go to uni? What happens in the summer? I don’t want to force her to eat because I know it won’t help. It’ll make her hate me, too…
But I’m not sleeping at night because I don’t want her to end up in that hospital bed. I’m not revising because I’m thinking about her. I’m a helpless, useless piece of rubbish. I know what happens when I talk to her about food. And I know what happens when I talk to it about food. And it is controlling her more and more and slowly but surely she’ll slip into the abyss. And I’m afraid. They always say that bystanders are as bad as those who bully. This is like that, isn’t it?
I’m afraid of the dark, I’m afraid of the night, and I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid of stopping because any time that I stop and allow myself to think, I break. And although I try every day and make it looks like it isn’t even denting my surface, it’s slicing my heart into a million pieces. It’s breaking me. Because the longer I sit in silence, the more of this rests upon my shoulders.
I need someone to take away the darkness and show me what I should do. How can I help? Because this is the most painful thing I’ve ever had to watch. And right now, I think it will make me fail my exams. And if I fail my exams, it’ll mess up my life. But I can’t ignore it. Because she matters to me more than they do. She’s my best friend. And she’s killing herself.
Please someone help me. I don’t like the darkness, it’s a very lonely place.
I’m living and loving. I’m not laughing because tonight, I can’t ignore the pain.