Courage is Found in Unlikely Places

What is courage? Soldiers have courage, don’t they? Policemen? What about people who stand up for their rights? People who stand up for the rights of others? Those who risk their life for someone else? How about when children go to the dentist or the hospital? Google defines courage as ‘The ability to do something that frightens one; bravery’. That person isn’t me. Or at least not unless someone is holding my hand and usually dragging me along. And I don’t mean to sound horrible, I don’t think that’s me either. I just don’t like speaking out. I’m quite happy to blend into the background, cope on my own, and try and make it to the end. Shouting out means admitting weakness. Or at least, I was, until I met my best friend. She changed me. I have let her in and I’m proud to say that I’ve taken baby steps and slowly I’ve become a different person in that I put some reliance on others. But following on from this conversion you see below, I know that I’ve got to do something. This time, I have to do it alone. And that scares me, that makes me afraid.

‘How was tea?’
‘Alright thanks,’
‘Don’t lie to me.’
‘Okay, I didn’t have tea’

‘I haven’t eaten for thirty two hours,’
‘And you’re proud of that?’
‘No, a hundred hours would be something to be proud of.’
‘Promise me that you’ll eat tea tonight?’
‘I promise.’

‘How was tea?’
‘Not bad,’
‘The soup was good then?’
‘I didn’t have soup,’
‘What did you have?’
‘I didn’t have tea,’

She broke my promise, and she lied to me twice in 24 hours. I feel sick. She managed much longer than 32 hours. And I’m pretty sure that the only reason that she didn’t quite make it to 48 was for me. In fact, if I wasn’t here, it probably would have been fifty something. Now I feel really sick.

I want her to realise that this isn’t healthy, and if this carries on, she won’t be a doctor. Telling someone shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s definitely not courageous when you look at all the people out there who inspire us and have done amazing things. And yet I find myself lying here tonight. I’m tossing and turning, I have no tears left to cry, and I’m battling with myself trying to work up the courage to do something. I don’t think I’ve found it yet. Or maybe I have. Either way, I know that I won’t get back to sleep tonight. I’m thinking. And once more, I’m alone in a big scary world.

Living. Laughing. Loving.

alex122rw

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