The Lies That Keep Me Safe

I’ve realised recently that a lot of my life is lies. In fact, often, I’m so twisted and tangled in my ball of lies that I’ve forgotten the truth.

Each day I get home and I sit at my desk. Glaring back at me in the middle of my notice board is a little blue card. It shows the Guide laws.

A guide is honest, reliable and can be trusted.
A guide is helpful and uses her time and abilities wisely.
A guide faces challenge and learns from her experiences.
A guide is a good friend and a sister to all guides.
A guide is polite and considerate.
A guide respects all living things and takes care of the world around her.

As a member of Girlguiding, I’ve also made a promise that I will do my best.

More recently, I can’t help but sink into a pool of guilt. Girlguiding is a charity that I have a lot of time and respect for, but am I really a good guide? Of course, I’ve only said that I’ll do my best, and nobody is perfect, but I’m not sure that my safety blanket of twisted truth is healthy anymore.

I’m not an outright and intentional lier. I lie only for protection. Mostly, I lie to myself. And the biggest lie that I tell?

‘I’m fine.’

I think it’s time that I start to let those in who care, and those who want to help me. I’ve always struggled with trust. That too has a story; just like the dark, and the way that I deal with stress, fear, and pain. They’re nowhere near the horrific stories of some of those who I am surrounded by, but they’re stories all the same. But perhaps it’s time to tell those stories.

My first job however, is to find someone else who I trust. I need someone that I can talk to about my best friend. Because I am worried, I’m not fine and it is taking my time. I’m not learning from how I feel and what I see. Sure, I’m still using my time wisely to revise, but it’s not effective revision, because I don’t have the brain space for effective revision. It’s taken up by worry and pain. I don’t have to mention her name, I just need to find the courage to ask the opinion of someone else. And that has to be the opinion of someone who actually cares. It feels a little bit like finding that person could take a lifetime. But I need to place that trust in someone because I need to tell someone that I’m not fine and hiding isn’t helping. Perhaps then, the rational side of my brain will allow the irrational side to make that realisation too.

Living. Laughing. Loving.


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