Hope

So today, it hit me. I spent the day out of the house after swimming this morning. I sat in neros and managed to do a past paper, and then my friend joined me, we had lunch, and headed back to hers. At about four, I looked at the clock, looked at the work in front of me, and panicked. I knew that I hadn’t done anywhere near as much as I should have done, and my body just reacted without even allowing me a second to think. Within about five minutes I was completely undertaken by a mild panic attack. I was pretty inconsolable. My head seems to have on and off, and nothing in between. Black and white. Happy or sad. Coping, or stressed. And the worst bit? Now that stress has hit me, there’s no going back. The migraine has been slowly building all day, and I’ve already got the characteristic neck pain. Just add to that a few sleepless nights, and in two weeks when this is all over, I’ll be a wreck.

The friend that I was with knows me far too well, and is super patient with me. She gave me something, too. Well, she’s leant it to me. The ring I gave her for her birthday – believe. She says that I need it more than her right now. How the two of us manage to place so much emotion into a little piece of metal, I’ll never really know. But we do. We both know all the underlying messages that go along with that.

I got home and I saw a post I saw by aworriedstudent about dreams and aspirations, it got me thinking. What are my dreams? Why do I put myself through this every day?

And the answer? Because I care. I care about my future, and I hope that I will get into university. I hope that in September I’ll be studying the course of my dreams. I hope that in five years time I’ll be in an excellent job. I’m praying to a god that I don’t really believe in, and that’s why I’m doing it.

Stress is a part of my life, and unfortunately, it’s not something that I’ve learnt to cope with yet. But it’s something that I need to try my very hardest to at least accept, because otherwise, this will impact on my exams. It inhibits my concentration, and that will have a knock on effect on my grades. Ive just got to keep holding onto that hope, because having all your dreams come crashing down on you is never ever fun.

Living. Laughing. Loving.

alex122rw

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