The dictionary defines belief as ‘trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something’.
Right, okay. But what does THAT mean? I think belief is a very individual and personal thing, and I also think that it’s something that can change depending upon the time and the current happenings in your life. Perhaps you have a spiritual belief in God or Allah, or example. Children might believe in Santa or the tooth fairy. Maybe you believe that your children at the most important think in your life, that a certain action is right or wrong, that a certain party should be in power. Belief that everyone should be treated equally, or everyone should be happy are others. A google search of ‘things to believe in’ threw back many interesting results.
Right now however, I’m struggling to believe in myself. My exams are right around the corner and my greatest fear is that I will fail and not make it into university. I’ve found school really difficult this year, and my belief that it will all be okay is dwindling. It’s resulting in panic attacks and stress-induced illness.
Tonight though, I’m wearing a ring on my finger.
That ring is a little bit strange to wear. I don’t wear rings, and it’s also too big for me, but I won’t take it off. I like seeing it there, it makes me smile. That’s the ring that I bought for a friend of mine for her eighteenth birthday. When I bought it for her, it meant a lot. I told her that it was to remind her that I always believe in her, and that it will be okay. There was also a lot of unspoken emotion that I tried to convey in that present. I hope she picked that up.
Yesterday, she leant it back to me. She saw through the guard that I’ve been trying to hold up, and she saw that I’m struggling. As I stood outside her house and sobbed, she took it off her finger, put it into my hand, and wrapped my fingers around it. ‘Keep it for a week, and don’t loose it, I want it back.’ Okay, go back to the statement at the end of the last paragraph. She definitely picked that up.
So now I’m sitting in my room with that ring on my finger, and it’s keeping me alive. When I’ve failed another past paper, I look down, and I smile. I know that she believes in me. That means more to me than any other emotion, because that’s what’s important. I just want her to be happy. I want us to be happy.
I’m rambling now. I can’t find the words. Maybe there are no words. But I know this much, I rather like the new and temporary addition to my hand.
Living. Laughing. Loving.