Guilt is an emotion that feels like a dagger through your heart.

Because you know what, I said something. I told people that she was struggling, I told people. I told the person who I knew she’d be happiest it’s me telling, and I asked her permission first. It hasn’t appeared to have worked out too badly thus far, but she was drunk. She was drunk and I shouldn’t have listened when she said it was okay to tell.

And now my best friend can’t look me in the eye when she tells me that it’s okay, and that she forgives me. Because she doesn’t know that yet! She doesn’t know exactly what’s going to happen, and how this will end. She’s not sure how she should feel about what I said, but when she sits next to me and can’t quite meet my eye, I know how I feel. Guilty. That dagger is back, and it stabs me again. I feel a little weaker.

But I needed to say it, the other half of my brain argues. It needed to be said, and that was the right person. She trusts that person, and that person is going to care for her. She listened to the advice that person gave, and that means that eventually, it will get better. But she never listened to mine, did she? And she’s still not happy that person was told, is she? She still doesn’t know what the repercussions will be, she doesn’t know how this will affect her life. And it’s my fault. The dagger strikes once more, this time twisting. The cut is deeper, more jagged.

She’s currently in limbo, undecided. I can see it. I know from the way she talks to me, the way she looks at me. Right now, she’s pretending that it’s okay, but that’s because she doesn’t want to hurt me. Deep down, she’s angry. She won’t tell me that, of course not, but she’s angry. She said that now it’s out, people can know the truth. But clearly, I don’t come into that category. She’s still lying to me when she tells me that this hasn’t and won’t affect our friendship. She’s deeper into that web than I think she even realises, and so the lies continue. ‘I’m okay, it’s okay, we’re okay.’ The dagger plunges deeper as I will every part of my body to focus on keeping the smile on my face.

I wasn’t here for the past few days, and I don’t know exactly what happened. She doesn’t want to relive it, she’s never going to tell me all of it, and I don’t expect her to. I just wish we could be honest about our emotions towards it, because in all honesty, a sugar coated friendship isn’t really a friendship at all. It’s just another dagger. This time, it’s sitting by the edge of my brain, and this time, it will only take one small slip to pass through, and that’ll kill me.

The anger will hurt me, but the lies will cause the death. Unfortunately, I don’t think I get a choice, but if I did, I’d always choose the first option. After all, pain is only temporary.

Living. Laughing. Loving.


One thought on “Guilt.

  1. Pingback: Reflecting on 2014 | treasurethememory

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