I don’t know how I feel right now. Sitting in my room all day, I’m constantly trying to keep myself busy. I’m not good at ‘chilling out’. I’ll clean my bathroom, I’ll tidy the kitchen, I’ll Hoover my car, I’ll visit my nan, I’ll play my flute, I’ll ferry my brother around. Sometimes, I’ll read. That’s relaxing, right? Well, not exactly, I have to read the whole book in a day.

It’s just the remnants of A Levels, I tell myself, where I had no choice but to work and revise. All the time.

But that’s not quite right, is it? No, of course not. The last few days, every time I stop, I have a flashback. It’s probably not helping that her saxophone is sat in the middle of my bedroom. I can’t stop thinking about that night, and how stupid I was. I don’t even care anymore that she’s not angry and she doesn’t hate me, because in a weird way, I’m angry at myself. I’m happy that I said what I did, and I think that it will make things better in the end, but I just have a weird feeling inside me. I can’t explain it, I can’t even draw it, but every time I stop I flashback to a few seconds from that night, and I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I keep remembering things that happened that I’d forgotten about until now. It makes me feel sick. And I hate it. I’m confused.

I’m a big kid deep down. All I really want when I’m trying to sleep at night is someone to give me a big hug, hold me tight, rub my back, and tell me that it’ll all be okay.

I’m hopefully spending Wednesday afternoon with my her. I’m excited, we’re going to see a film that we’re both desperate to watch, and I live in hope that we can be normal, just for once. That we can have fun, no tears. Only smiles and laughter.

Next week I’m starting a new job, helping out a family for three hours a day a few times a week. The pay is TERRIBLE and I should NOT have agreed to it… But I want to keep busy. All the time. It’s the only escape that I can see right now.

Living. Laughing. Loving.



One thought on “Flashback.

  1. Pingback: Reflecting on 2014 | treasurethememory

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