I haven’t fixed it. It might look fixed on the outside, but the cracks are still there. It’s never going to be the same. There’s still a chip in the rim, and a hole in the bottom.
Just as I was beginning to believe that what happened at leavers had been the best outcome for everyone, I’ve realised just how far from the truth that really is. Here I was, happy in my little oblivious bubble, thinking that we’d achieved the perfect outcome. My best friend was still talking to me, my best friend found someone that she could trust and told an adult about everything that’s happened in her life, my best friend’s mum was informed, and her mum made a doctors appointment. The situation was taken out of my hands, I thought she was safe, and I was much more relaxed. How could I be so naive as to believe that it would be so simple.
Then, last night happened. We were talking about her doctors appointment, and while the addressed some other things at that appointment, they didn’t mention eating. Her mum isn’t worried about her eating because she doesn’t look skinny enough to have an eating disorder. She thinks that it all stemmed from her other issues and that it’s not a problem, and so she didn’t mention it to the doctor. She couldn’t be further from the truth.
I’m helpless and there is nothing more I can do. The adults in her life know, but they have dismissed it. I’ve done what I can, and now I’m lost. Completely hopeless and lost. It doesn’t matter what I say, because she won’t act upon it. I’m worried about her going to uni. Hell, she’s worried about herself going to uni, but without the adults in her life behind her, she won’t do anything to try to change. I’ve tried so many things in the past, and none of them worked. I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve blamed myself, I’ve told her that she’ll die, I’ve told her that it’s killing me. But I am not an adult, I’m just a friend, so she doesn’t listen to me. I did the hardest thing, and I told those adults, yet they have simply ignored the concerns.
For the first time in months, I cried myself to sleep again. I wanted to talk. I’ve learnt over the past couple of years how amazing talking can be, but I suddenly felt very alone once more. Nobody else could understand this, and of the three people I’d trust to talk to, I don’t want to burden any of them. This isn’t their job or their responsibility. Those adults aren’t trained to deal with this, and I’m sure they don’t have the time to deal with my ‘petty little worries’.
So for now, I’ll speak only to the darkness, and pray that it somehow gets better. Right now though, I’m simply watching her die.
Living. Laughing. Loving.