Confession

I have a little confession that I need to make. Okay, I have quite a big confession, really. A few nights ago, I told my best friend that she would get sick, end up lying in a hospital bed, and die, and that there was nothing more that I could do to help her than watch her kill herself. When I now read that quote back to myself my heart flips and I’m overcome by a wave of sickness, because a few nights ago, I told a lie.

Of course, I didn’t just lie on a whim, and I didn’t lie to make her feel bad about herself, I lied for a few very particular reasons. I lied in her best interests, and now I’ve said it, I wouldn’t ever take it back.

I must tell you that I was angry and frustrated. After a good hour or so of reasoning with my friend, I felt like a nuisance, and I was helpless. Sometimes, it feels like I’m a rat, scurrying around. Getting in the way, causing problems, and generally being a pest. Nobody wants a rat around, because they’re dirty, unhygienic, and unwanted. I didn’t want to be that problem anymore, causing her extra stress and aggravation. Not only that, but I was getting angry at her for not listening, and at myself for not being good enough to make it better, and to make her listen. So, I was blunt. Blunt, and to the point, exhausted of any sensible suggestions.

Secondly, there is an element of truth to that quote. If she carries on like she is with her eating habits, they will only get worse. With nobody around to please, nobody to control her, and nobody to justify food at uni, she just won’t eat. Ever. I have no doubt at all about that, and it will result in her being in a hospital bed, forcefully tube fed and slowly dying, as the people around her wish that they’d done more while they could. The second part however, where I say there is nothing I could do except sit and watch her die, is harsh at best, and a lie at worst. I feel helpless, and I thought I’d done what was best, and it didn’t work. I’m out of ideas and ways to make things better for her, and so I have to sit here and watch it happen whilst the adults in the situation come to their senses. That doesn’t however, mean that I’m not there for her! I’m always here, it’s just that there is nothing more productive right now that I can think of to do to stop her dying. And that’s scary, very scary.

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Finally, I’ve watched it happen. Not only have I friends who have watched their own loved ones go through this, but I have been through it myself. A friend of mine has been battling with an eating disorder and other related mental health issues for a few years now, and last week was admitted to hospital on a more long term basis. I don’t know this friend anywhere near as well, but that doesn’t change it, or make it any better. Yes, it means that I am able to distance myself a little more when I’m not with her, but it doesn’t make it go away. It’s simple, I don’t want to see this happen to my best friend. Nobody deserves it. Nobody deserves to get to a place where they are so ill that a stint hospital is the only way to help them, because the people around them should have been supporting them long before that. I made the comment that I made because I don’t want to see my best friend like that, and I know that it may seem selfish, but it’s not. I don’t want to see that because she doesn’t deserve that. She deserves to go to uni, have the time of her life, and to become a doctor.

Of course, I can no longer go back and justify my statement. I cannot make it mean any less than what I said, because it is what I said. And whilst I know that it hit a nerve in my friend, and I hope that it will make her act in a sensible way, I hope that she can understand that I didn’t say it to be malicious. I said it because I care about her. It breaks my heart three times over to even think that one day, she could end up in that hospital bed. But I’m her best friend, and I will be by her side, no matter what.

Living. Laughing. Loving.

alex122rw

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