JUST STOP

Just stop complimenting me! Please, I’m begging you! Stop saying that you’re proud of me, that I’m brave, that I’ve done the right thing. This isn’t about me.

I didn’t do this to fish for compliments, I did it because I care about someone. Yet that care has come to nothing, because it appears that all the important people in this situation are either too busy trying to tell me that I’m amazing, or they’re blinded by other things to see how serious this really is.

It appears that you’ve all completely misunderstood not only me, but my best friend, too. You think you’ve grasped the ‘serious’ and ‘important’ things, and now you’ve given up on us. Instead, you try to pacify me, telling me that I’m an awesome friend and that she wouldn’t have made it this far without me. You’re not going to pacify me, you will simply anger me. You have no understanding of our friendship, and trust me, if it wasn’t a genuine concern, I would take no interest in voicing it to you.

The most heart wrenching part is one particular person. The rest are allowed, I guess, to not understand for a minute or two, but don’t tell me that you understand where I am, and even where she is, if you don’t. I was hanging onto the hope that maybe you’d see sense. Every time you say it’s not for me to be worrying about, you throw a dagger into my heart. Four years of building this amazing friendship, and then you tell me that I shouldn’t give one about what happens to the girl who I trust more than anyone? You tell me that I’ve done everything I can do, yet it seems that what I have done will achieve nothing, so where does that leave me? You’re essentially telling me that our friendship is nothing, and that I am not a friend. BANG. It’s a bullet this time.

I’m angry that nobody will listen to me, and that instead you choose to start every email, every conversation with yet another compliment. No, I’m not an awesome friend. I’ve done what any other single person who loves and cares about another would do. I’m not brave, either, this should have been done a long long time ago. All I’m asking is that you listen to me. I’m serious.

I’m watching this, in two different people, from both ends. I can see what happens when people don’t take another’s eating disorder seriously, do what you are doing and simply blame it on other things. I’m trying with every bone and muscle I have in my body to make you understand because I’m determined not to watch someone else that I care about go down the same path. Don’t tell me to give up. Don’t tell me to be a failure. That’s all you’re doing right now. I don’t need to be told to give up, I have always been the pessimist. I can give up on my own back very easily. But I won’t, not this time. My heart keeps beating for a reason, and I’m not going to let it stop, until the very very end.

Maybe you’re right. Perhaps it isn’t my problem. Perhaps it is one man fighting the world, but I don’t care. Are you even listening? Why don’t you get the idea yet? I don’t give a damn what you think. I’m choosing to make this my problem, and I’m going to continue to do so. She’s my BEST FRIEND. Do you people not understand friendship? Maybe this is all just showing me exactly how special my best friend is. She’s worth every second of worry, I don’t care what you say. I’ll fight until the end, even if you’re not on side, and even if I am out of ideas right now. David beat Golliath, right, so why can’t i?

Living and loving, today.

alex122rw

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