The emotional roller coaster that I’m currently riding on isn’t what I expected. I feel a bit like I’m floating on a cloud, ignoring absolutely anything that I’m feeling for fear of the emotional response. This morning, I collapsed into a heap and cried for a long time. Giving blood without her wasn’t right, but I soon distracted myself and recovered. This afternoon, I packed like crazy. Now she’s gone, I’m ready to go too. What am I waiting for? As soon as I felt myself dipping, I ran to the shops. I’m lying in my bed now, having just looked at some old pictures, and I’m ready to cry again. I won’t let myself though. Crying is bad for us.
I guess that I cannot wallow in my own sadness forever though, and I must pick myself up. On Sunday, I’ve got a sea of girls dressed in yellow – yes, Brownies, of course! – to keep me entertained, and I hope that will mean that the sleep I have on Sunday night is easier than what I am bound to get tonight and tomorrow.
As for next week, I’m going for a couple of coffees, with a friend and my flute teacher. I’ve got a camp out with my ‘other friends’, Rainbows, Rangers, and a first aid course.
I know this much, though. I need to be busy, or else I risk drowning in my sorrows and fear. Deep down, I’m sad to see her leave, I’m distraught that she’s not there for a hug, I’m afraid about how she will cope with the independence, I’m afraid how I will cope. I’m sad that I won’t see her at Christmas, but I’m excited for the visit she’s promised at Easter. I’m happy that she liked the things that I gave her, I’m laughing at all our memories, and I’m so looking forward to the FaceTime that has been promised tomorrow so she can show me her room. I’m looking forward to writing and receiving letters, but really, deep down, I’m going to miss her a lot. I’m going to miss her more than I probably should, and you know what, that’s hard for me. It’s hard not to see her, but it’s also a stark reality check for me about how uncontrollable my emotions are right now.
I feel like perhaps tomorrow, I might have something more coherent to say. For now though, goodnight. Sweet dreams, and all I ask is that when you look up at the sky tonight, you think about your best friend, too.
Living. Laughing. Loving.