Heartache

I decided, that since I have a lesson tomorrow, I should probably get out my flute. Of course, I jumped straight into my super difficult grade eight pieces that I haven’t played for at least ten weeks. It sounded awful. Okay Alex, warm up, play a few scales, and try again. Still awful.

Okay, scrap that. Lets try my old grade six and seven pieces. Better, still not great.

Disney book. Much better. It finally kind of sounds like me!

The more I played, however, the more I realised that the music wasn’t the problem. Of course, lack of practice is never going to help my technique, but the longer I played the more sick I began to feel. The strange thing was that it wasn’t an ‘I’m ill sick’ or an ‘I ate too much’ sick, it seemed to be more of a nervous kind of sick. That’s silly though, how can I be nervous about playing some easy pieces on my flute in my bedroom when the only people in my house are my tone deaf family? I’m not nervous, am I?

It seems that there are a few issues related to playing my flute today. First, I’m worried. The fact that my practice didn’t go well concerns me because not only will my lesson tomorrow be unproductive, I will also probably be told off for not practicing. On my last lesson. That sucks.

I haven’t practiced because I’m afraid, and to be honest, that’s the real issue here. I’m afraid to play for a number of reasons. The first is because it makes me feel like I’m failing for no reason. My new music is really hard, and if I thought I could get my grade eight, it would feel like it had a purpose, but I know I can’t have lessons this year, and so the purpose is void. I’m fighting for nothing, no goal to strive for.

Secondly, I fear playing because it gives me an emotional escape, and that can trigger a lot of memories, both good and bad. They’re not all flute related, but the music allows you to ignore the present and delve into your mind, and that can often be dangerous.

Probably though, the reason that I really feel sick is because the flute is simply another reminder of what I’m leaving behind. The flute signifies my school days, my safety, and security. It allowed me to make friends, to grow up, and to become an adult. If I really think about it, becoming an adult is scary, and the flute is just another reminder of what I’m leaving behind now I have left school, both physically and emotionally. That hurts sometimes.

I only managed fifteen minutes before I found myself collapsed in a heap, tears rolling down my face. I promise that I really am excited for University, it’s just difficult to leave my routine behind, and all the things that I love. Flute has been a huge escape for me the past two years, and loosing that has undoubtedly resulted in heartache.

Living. Laughing. Loving.

alex122rw

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