When something finally happens, you’ve usually been waiting for a long time, it usually brings about a sense of relief. Results day is finally here, exams are finally over, and I finally trained hard enough to be able to run 10K. Finally I understood that piece of work, finally they registered me on the leader qualification at Rainbows, and finally we made it to the train with just one minute to spare.

It’s so easy to sense that relief, grasp it with both hands, and then realise that your moment of hope was a terrible mistake. I learnt that lesson the hard way earlier in this summer, and I’m determined not to make that same mistake again with university.

You see, earlier this year, I finally did something that I’d been wanting to do for a very long time, but could never quite summon the courage to do. Initially, I felt a sense of relief. I told someone, I’d passed my worries into someone else, and I was proud of myself for finally doing something that I didn’t think I’d ever have the courage to do. So I let go, but I did it too soon. I was so relived that I was no longer alone that I felt completely free, but all too soon reality came crashing down, and I realised that I was back at square one.

Now, I worry that I will enter a similar situation with university. I was so relived that I managed to achieve the grades that I needed to get here. Finally, after years and years of wanting this, I’m here, and I’m so excited. Right now, however, it’s a little odd. For such a long time I’ve been aiming for this, and now that I’m here, I don’t have a new aim. I worry that without that sense of purpose, I might get lost, and the reality of where I am and what I’ve got to do to stay here may come crashing down. I also know that day could be any time, and it had the potential to be very soon.

I’m hoping the fall after the high of relief will not hit, because I for sure am not prepared for such a situation. I don’t think I can cope with another fall just yet. It would probably result in deadly consequences, as I have a tendency to get stuck in holes for quite a period of time. In a world where everything feels so new, I simply cannot afford such a slip. For now, I’m just going to keep looking for that new goal, that new ‘finally’ moment to aim for.

Living. Laughing. Loving.



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