It’s so easy to sense that relief, grasp it with both hands, and then realise that your moment of hope was a terrible mistake. I learnt that lesson the hard way earlier in this summer, and I’m determined not to make that same mistake again with university.
You see, earlier this year, I finally did something that I’d been wanting to do for a very long time, but could never quite summon the courage to do. Initially, I felt a sense of relief. I told someone, I’d passed my worries into someone else, and I was proud of myself for finally doing something that I didn’t think I’d ever have the courage to do. So I let go, but I did it too soon. I was so relived that I was no longer alone that I felt completely free, but all too soon reality came crashing down, and I realised that I was back at square one.
Now, I worry that I will enter a similar situation with university. I was so relived that I managed to achieve the grades that I needed to get here. Finally, after years and years of wanting this, I’m here, and I’m so excited. Right now, however, it’s a little odd. For such a long time I’ve been aiming for this, and now that I’m here, I don’t have a new aim. I worry that without that sense of purpose, I might get lost, and the reality of where I am and what I’ve got to do to stay here may come crashing down. I also know that day could be any time, and it had the potential to be very soon.
I’m hoping the fall after the high of relief will not hit, because I for sure am not prepared for such a situation. I don’t think I can cope with another fall just yet. It would probably result in deadly consequences, as I have a tendency to get stuck in holes for quite a period of time. In a world where everything feels so new, I simply cannot afford such a slip. For now, I’m just going to keep looking for that new goal, that new ‘finally’ moment to aim for.
Living. Laughing. Loving.