I’ve been staring at the ceiling for hours and hours and hours. It’s white. Empty. Bare. It’s the only thing that seems to provide just a little stability in my crazy head. Tears have been slipping down my face; my pillow, bed sheets, and jumper are now soaked.
But I’m slipping, slipping, slipping, the hope is going, going, going, and soon, I fear I will be lost. Yesterday, was fabulous. Today, the mountain that university is going to be just seems too big to climb.
I’m lost. All I want is to go back to school, and to a place where I had a support mechanism. My A Levels were difficult, but I had friends, teachers, and people who cared. Here, I’m alone. There’s nobody for company except my own mind to go around and around in endless circles. I want my biology teacher, I want my old design teacher, I want my chemistry teacher, I want my flute teacher. I want the familiarity of my Wednesday night Rainbows, and the monotony of the same timetable week upon week. I want people that I can turn to for a helping hand.
But that’s gone now, and it’s never ever coming back. I’m not prepared to accept that. I’m not prepared to accept that I’ve lost it, and that fear is pushing the happiness out, and letting the darkness in. I’m not prepared to accept that I won’t see my friends for months, and that I will potentially never set foot in my school again. Those places, and most of all, those people kept me sane. Those were the people that provided hope when times were tough, and who encouraged me to keep holding on. The people who I’ve lost are what have kept me alive, and now, there is nothing.
I’d give anything to not be here right now. I’m hiding, alone in my room. I don’t want to come out, I can’t let people see me. My wall must not ever be broken, and they must not know. But what am I hiding from? The fear will not subside, the darkness will not lift. The past isn’t going to come back, and I can’t cope with that right now. I’m tired. In fact, I’m exhausted. I’ve been studying for four days and I’m exhausted. The work load is huge, the need to understand is huge, and there’s so many things to concentrate on. Already, I’m overwhelmed. I’m not sure how I’ll survive this year. Somehow, I must. I must strive for my dreams, but the change of environment and the threat of the workload is simply too much for me right now. I simply do not know where to begin. I see no way to break the panic into steps, and so it’s grabbing me, holding me, and strangling me. Soon, the impending panic attack will hit.
Lying here, I’m wasting valuable time. I can’t afford to waste time. Stopping was always a bad idea, it’s stopping that encourages this ridiculous behaviour. Breaks are bad for the mind. Perhaps if I think and hope hard enough, someone will come and keep the happiness inside. Perhaps someone will help me to stop the tears. I know that right now I can’t believe it, but I also know that my best friend would tell me that ‘things will get better, it’s just not the end yet.’
Living. Laughing. Loving.