Sleep is a beautiful thing. When you’re sleeping, you’re free from the daytime and the real, and are left with either a night of pure and blessed nothing, or a sleep of exciting and vivid dreams. People love to sleep, it prepares them for the day, it makes them happy, and a comfy warm bed can certainly provide a feeling of safety. I am one of those people.
But what about when sleep isn’t like that anymore? When the demons of your dreams are worse than the reality of the daylight? Climbing into bed at night is scary, and you lay wide eyed, staring at the dark ceiling and wishing that you could somehow rest without sleep. The demons give no rest however, and soon sleep washes over you. Whilst you may still look peaceful, inside, you are not.
Sometimes they simply replay reality, and the darkest moments of your life. They taunt you with your deepest fears and your most upsetting moments, never letting leave no matter how much you beg. You’re forced to go back to those places, and watch them unfold again, and again.
What can be worse, though, is when the brain fortells the future. When it doesn’t flash into the darkest past, but instead images of friends in hospital beds, funerals, failure, and hurt pass through your brain. It may be that none have happened yet, but it doesn’t make it feel any less real. Those ‘foretellings’ are so often linked to the past, and many go on to become true.
The worst part, however, are the wakenings from these nightmares. The sleep paralysis that hits when you’re awake but you cannot move. You can feel the panic, the panic, the panic, but you can’t stop it because there is nothing you can do. You try to reach for your water but you just can’t. You can’t even cry. Soon, it passes, but by then, it’s too late. Talking yourself out of this panic leads to extensive tears and sometimes hours of wake in the nighttime.
It just makes the daylight harder to handle. Stress, workload, friends, and issues are a million times more difficult when you’re sleepy. You haven’t received the same peace and rest as your peers, and you know it.
So even knowing that you need your sleep to survive, and that you are a sleep driven being, you learn to avoid it. The cycle continues. Both problems of the day and night get worse. Stopping the cycle is almost impossible, and each morning you pray that today will be happy and tonight will bring good rest.
Still, the rest doesn’t come, and once more, you try to avoid the night time.
Living. Laughing. Loving.