It’s hard to take the pain that comes with loosing someone. Coping alone is often a lot more difficult than you ever intended, and sometimes it can just be too much to handle. There’s several things that affect the hurt, and sometimes, it doesn’t matter if that person has died, or just moved far away. The changes can be difficult to come to understand and live with, and the situation can often be hard to wrap your head around. Dealing with the other new things, or even just the normal day to day things gets harder and harder, and you spiral.
Lots of things in my life end in spirals.
Today, I’m developing a migraine. I probably shouldn’t be staring at a screen and blogging. I should be eating and sleeping. But I’m not, because my brain is in overdrive AGAIN.
I’m thinking about my grandad. It’s just over a year since he passed away, and I miss him. I won’t lie, I haven’t thought about him every day, because it’s just too painful. But with the one year passing, I have been left with little choice. Perhaps I never did have the best relationship with my grandad, but it doesn’t stop the heartache associated with his loss, as well as the regret, and the guilt.
I also heard today that one of my favourite members of Primary School staff passed away at the weekend, in a car accident. Just months ago, I bumped into this lady in the supermarket and she jokily warned my mum about how uni would change me, and I’d grow up so fast (along with a few other slightly less appropriate comments about uni, involving drink and sex). She really was a lovely lady, our families got on well, she always had a smile on her face, and her kids were in ‘that group’ that used to play together due to parent relationships, and we all got on fabulously.
Those thoughts, in addition to what many might view as a smaller loss, can prove to be overwhelming. Sometimes, distance can be harder than loss. With loss, you eventually must accept that a person is gone, but with distance, it’s as though they’ve been pulled just out of your reach, but their presence still taunts you. They’re not here when you need them, and over time, when you only ever see their words on a screen or paper, you can slowly begin to feel like they no longer exist. You want to believe that they miss you in the same way but when you’re curled up, missing them, it’s hard to believe that. Because you’re not worth it. They may be worth everything in the world, and that’s why you need to see them so desperately, but what are you? You shouldn’t be worth their time and energy, and if they are thinking, then they shouldn’t be wasting their time.
And if they do go. Like, really go. I don’t want to even think, but I do. I imagine what happens if my best friend is sectioned or dies and just the thought crushes me.
My head hurts, I’m loosing my train of thought, and my words are dissolving.
I have no choice but to lay on my bed and cry. It’s only one hundred days, but the tragic death of my teaching assistant shows how anything could change, it may only take a second. One hundred days could very very easily turn into forever.
Living at distance, we can cope. Living without you, would be one step too much. I’ve already lost a lot, and I couldn’t handle that one last step. I couldn’t live without you.