Rambling

I’m sure that nearly an hour of emotional texting your flat mate is a fantastic way to recover from an argument you just had with your best friend about emotions, isn’t it? I’m an idiot.

I’m an idiot in so many ways. It’s times like this that I wish that my best friend and I could have a normal friendship. If we had a normal friendship, I wouldn’t make her so catastrophically angry, like I have tonight.

But I have. And it’s done. And now I’m going to do everything in my power to not contact her. I don’t care what the consequences are for me, because I need to give her some space and time. Hopefully it won’t be long before she texts to say ‘How’s it going?’ or ‘Apology accepted’. At the same time I know that I will not be able to do any uni work until she does, and I will cry, and every bone in my body will want to call her and check we’re still friends, I have to give her that space. It’s the lack of space that’s caused this, and I know that contacting her first will probably make this whole thing worse. I’ll probably do it when she’s super busy, and the anger will be back. I can’t risk that mistake. I can’t risk our friendship any more than I already have.

So you know, because she was texting me anyway, I did chat to my flat mate. She’s tried to make me feel better. She has, a little. It doesn’t change the fact that I’ve been crying for over an hour. I’m angry, but I’m only angry at myself.

If and when my best friend does text me, I’m going to make myself a vow. From then on, when there’s a silly but exciting story, or I’m struggling but it’s not life threatening, I’m just going to make a note, and at some point, add it to a letter. She can read letters in her own time. That way, I won’t waste her time. She can leave it a week, a month before she reads it if she doesn’t have the time.

Because I can’t argue. I can’t upset her. I can’t waste her time. Most of all, I can’t ruin her degree for her, and I can’t provide the extra stress.

I hate sleeping like this, I need to apologise. But I have to try. Maybe I will give in, but I have to try.

I’m rambling. I need to turn off the light, rest my head on my pillow, and wish and hope for sleep to wash over me.

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