Trying to Make Sense of it All

The problem with talking to your best friend late at night when you’ve had a bad day, she’s stressed out, and your period is due (sorry guys!) is that it never ends well. I advise that you don’t do it. Ever.

You see, my best friend is a really really beautiful girl. She’s struggled a lot, she’s been through a lot, she’s still going through a lot, but she’s very good at building up a wall. She’s very good at hiding it, and so it’s very easy to forget exactly what’s going on in her brain. It’s easy to forget that she doesn’t have the capacity to deal with every one of your emotions, as well as hers.

I know that even now, she probably won’t look at this as ‘falling out’. She won’t see it as an argument, but in essence, that’s what it is. We do this occasionally, and I feel like I always find it considerably harder than she does.

I don’t spend enough time listening to my best friend, and I don’t spend enough time telling her just how amazing she is. I make too many mistakes. I try and hide my emotions for months to give her space to talk to me, and then I come crashing down like I have since my arrival at university. I struggle to strike a balance between listening and talking. Between caring and being cared for. When we’re so far away, it’s even harder. And I know it. But I don’t ever realise until something like this happens.

My best friend has the biggest heart and the most caring smile. I make her feel like I’m not listening or she’s saying the wrong thing, but I don’t realise I’m doing it. Perhaps she doesn’t tell me enough, either. Perhaps if she told me as it happened, the explosions like this wouldn’t happen. She’s never saying the wrong thing, just because I don’t always like it. I try hard to listen and act, but it’s not always easy for me. I’ll try harder, I promise.

She’s a fighter. She’s strong. She smiles, she laughs, she cries. She’s dragged me up mountains, both physical ones and emotional ones. She makes me laugh, she’s an amazing teacher. She listens, she helps. I cannot thank her enough. I’m learning, I’m not a good student. Students aren’t perfect, and I am certainly not. She’s crafting me into something better though, and I’m so grateful for it.

I’m worried about her, too, but I don’t know how to express it. She’s so defensive sometimes that I just can’t. To an extent, messaging her daily is for my own benefit, but I like to know that she’s alive too. I like to know that she’s eating, and sleeping, and not counting too many calories.

I’m really rather upset tonight because my head feels like I’ve lost the only person who truly knows me. I’m hoping that my heart can keep check, and remind it that I haven’t. It’s just a blip, and this is nothing. We’ve both got things to work on. We’ll get through this though. We have to. This isn’t just about me. We both need each other, and nothing will ever change that. Because whatever happens, I’ll always love her. All the way to the moon and back.

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One thought on “Trying to Make Sense of it All

  1. Pingback: Reflecting on 2014 | treasurethememory

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