Doubt

There’s a little bit of doubt rumbling deep in my heart. Normally, I’m pretty rubbish at working out my emotions. This time, I think I know what it is.

I’d never ever admit it to anyone in the real world, but I’m rather worried about my progress on my uni course. I’m trying so hard to hide it, to make everyone think that I’m okay, and that I’m holding on, and ready for the ride. I’m not.

The thought of exams in January terrifies me, because I’m convinced already that I won’t pass them. I’m only five weeks in, and I already have over ten lined pages of new vocabulary. My head can’t compute that, it just doesn’t have the capacity.

I’m not ready for this take off, because it’s going to result in a crash landing. If I don’t get a first or a 2:1, nobody is going to want to employ me. I just don’t think I’ve got the knowledge to do that.

I’m getting stuck into a rut, and right now, I’m not sure that I have anywhere to turn for help. I’m enjoying my course, and I’m making some great friends, but I’m just not sure that I’m going to make it beyond first year. And that’s rather scary, because failing would kill me.

I’m even lying to myself, trying every day to tell myself that I can succeed. I’m afraid though, and the fear is slowly crushing me already. I’m not allowed to let my stress get to me, and I’m trying so hard, I really am.

There’s so many things that need my time, and energy. There’s so many things that I have to try and work hard at, and I’m struggling to balance it all.

I’m going to collapse if I’m not careful. For the first time in my life, I want to talk and come up with an action plan, because I do enjoy uni, and so it’s okay. But sadly, I have to hide from everyone for all sorts of reasons, and so I’m feeling rather alone in the big wide world.

Too many worries, too much doubt, and a little bit of fear is not a good combination.

I should go to flute group.

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