All week, I’ve been trying to reach out to my best friend. I’ve been trying, because right now I’m going through probably the second most horrific thing that’s ever happened to me. And she’s the only one who knows. I’m trying to get support, and my god am I prepared to work around her, but she just doesn’t have any time any more to listen. None at all. I’ll admit, that this week she’s been in A&E a couple of times with stupid drunken cuts. But she’s promised me at least five skype dates in the last week, and not one has happened, really. I haven’t been able to talk to her, and it’s destroying me.
Okay, sure, she says she has to work for her exams, and that’s okay. I’ve fucked up enough before for her, and I won’t allow myself to fuck up her chances at uni. If she’s genuinely behind and struggling and slaving away for hours each day, then fair enough, I’ll cope, but the more time passes, the more and more I doubt her. She’s not doing that. She’s blown me off for nights out, and spontaneously hanging out with friends. Again, that’s okay, but just stop making promises that you never really intended to keep. Today, she told me she wasn’t leaving her room at all she had so much work to do, but then I find that she’s gone to watch a hockey game. It’s just lies, every time. And I’m dumped, five minutes into our chat, and usually in tears. Every time.
I’m not playing this up. It makes me feel sick, and it’s really really horrible news that I’ve had. But even feeling like this, I still don’t expect to be put above everything. I certainly never expect to be put above university work, and even prior commitments. I don’t expect to be put above every friend and every single time, and I don’t expect to hear from her every day. I don’t expect her to drop everything and come running, but just to occasionally say ‘hey, I’ll listen to you for an hour today. We can laugh, and I’ll give you some decent advice too’, or even just to send me a five minute scrawled letter when she can’t sleep. At least I’d know she actually cared. She always says she does, but she’s really not showing it to me right now, and I really don’t believe that’s just because of exams.
I need something. I need you. I need you to laugh, and I need you to listen to me. I know I can’t always have what I want, and I’m prepared to accept that. Maybe I appear selfish, but I’m not trying to be. I simply want to know where I stand. Honesty is all I need, really. I can do without the rest if I have to. I can do without skype dates, so long as you can be completely honest. Always and forever.
To be honest, it feels a little bit like she just got the facts, did her nosying, and now she can go back to the fun stuff. It doesn’t matter how many times she drops me and let’s me down, because she knows I’ll always come running back soon enough. She doesn’t have to worry about how I feel, because I’ll be there when she needs me, regardless of what happens before that. It doesn’t matter that I really need her right now, because she’s only worried about herself and her new friends. Not me, and more importantly and worryingly, not uni work, either. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong and I’m seeing only the narrow path, but that’s how it feels.
And it’s breaking my heart. Slowly but surely, it’ll ruin me.