Restless

I’m often restless. When I’m stressed, I can’t sit still and work. I either want to curl up in bed and cry, or run as far away as is physically possible. When I’m waiting for someone to contact me, it’s worse. If I see that they’ve read my message and moved on I can get jumpy, and every theory under the sun will pass through my head. I’ll blame myself, and my bad mood will get progressively worse. And worse. And worse.

For the past week, I’ve been on the pill levest. No, it’s not helping. If anything, it has made the last week much, much worse. I’ve lost all motivation to do anything, and whilst he warned me it might make my mood worse, what he didn’t warn me was that I’d be lacking energy, enthusiasm, and drive. He didn’t tell me that I’d cry for seemingly no reason. And waiting? My lord, waiting is like an impossible task. I’m hoping things will improve once my body gets used to it, but for now, it’s hellish.

Right now, I’m waiting, and I’m frankly an emotional wreck. I’ve given up on work this afternoon, as I wait for my best friend to contact me and tell me she’s okay. Yet again, she ended up in A&E, but this time, I’m not entirely sure why. What I do know is that she’s going under general anaesthetic for a tendon reconstruction in her hand. I also know that it’s blown my emotions off the scale. It’s completely crazy! I’ve been under anaesthetic and I know it’s nothing to worry about really, but I’m curled up in bed, unable to lie still, staring at the ceiling, and waiting for her to explain what happened, and to tell me that she survived and she’s okay. Until then, I don’t think I’ll move. At this rate, I won’t even make it to my 5 o clock lecture.

I’m always restless, but this is crazy. The worst bit is, I know it’s crazy, but there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

So, I guess I must wait.

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