I need to buy some colouring pencils, so I can draw. It’s nights like tonight, when I stare at a new blank blog post screen, and try to work out what to write that I need them. It’s nights like tonight when I don’t need to write, I need to draw. I need to figure out how I’m feeling, because to be honest, I’m not all that sure. I can’t figure it out with words, because as I’ve said many times before, words don’t come naturally to me. Emotions are images, shapes, and colours.
I don’t have any colouring pencils, so I probably won’t figure it out. I’ll go to bed yet again feeling uneasy and unsure of myself. I won’t know what to think about, and I’m not quite sure if I should laugh or cry. I just know there’s a weird sick feeling in my stomach, but if that’s because I’m ill, I’m excited, I’m stressed, I’m sad, or I’m nervous, I’ve no idea.
Sometimes it’s difficult to be like this. It’s something I’ve grown to accept, but I’m not sure how I should react. When I’m like this, I don’t even know how to react to the situations around me. Until I’ve drawn, I don’t understand how I’m feeling, and so I can’t be social, and I can’t react appropriately to everyday situations. It’s strange, I’ll admit. But I can’t draw, I don’t have any colouring pencils.
My bank account is in negative figures, and so I cannot afford to buy any. I have pens, but they’re not the same. I can’t explore my feelings properly, and often, I feel more lost than I did before I got the paper out. It’s like writing really. All I do is confuse, except with blogging, I confuse you lot as well as myself!
There’s two things that fix this, but neither is possible. First, I draw, but of course, I’m pencil-less. Second, I talk, but with no idea whatsoever of what this really is, and the only person who I trust being extremely busy revising, that’s not a sensible option, either.
So instead, I decide the only option is to decide to sleep. However, just as it has tonight, that simply results in me waking several times feeling progressively more sick until I don’t know what to do. It’s been over a week since I last cried (yes, I’m counting) and I’m trying to learn not to cry for everything, but I know that soon I’ll be crying again. Tonight, I just feel too sick to want to carry on. And it’s all because of those stupid colouring pencils. Or lack of them, at least.