Remember Those Who Love

There’s always someone out there who loves us, and we mustn’t ever ever forget that, even in our hardest and darkest times. They may be hundreds of miles away, and sometimes, you may not think they exist, but they do, always.

There’s someone who loves you like a sister, and they’ll never ever let you go. They’re here for you, and you’re here for them. You’ve got to keep holding on tight, and you’ll both stay standing. It’s the only way to stay safe.

So think about those who you love, tonight. Perhaps like me, you cannot be with them on New Year’s Eve. Perhaps there’s memories, happy or sad that will drown you tonight when the clock chimes, but don’t forget them.

In return, I’m sure they’ll be someone thinking about you.

Say Happy New Year, send them a photo, and pretend to give them the biggest hug in the world. They’ve helped you when you thought you were drowning, and they deserve it and much much more.

I love you, you know who you are. I’m nervous about tonight, and not having you on hand will hurt. I miss you, and I’ll see you in less than three weeks. I’ll try to find a star for you, please please don’t forget to find one for me.

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Security Blanket

Sometimes it’s best to pull people into a false sense of security, to assure them that you’re okay, and that it’s okay, and that there’s no need to worry. Sometimes it’s safer, and it’s easier, and saves hassle and questions.

But if that person really knows you, they’ll never truly believe it. Perhaps for a while, in a wasted attempt to be free, they’ll try to trust you, and allow you to cover them with the security blanket, too. They will allow themselves to believe that you are okay, because they don’t want to fear for your life every day.

But when that person has the revelation once more that it’s not true, it’s a shock. If that person knows and loves you, it won’t be long before they realise the lies. Actually, you’re not okay. And I should have been worrying about you.

It’s then, when that person realises that they’ve been missing the truth, that they are crushed.

It’s when they notice that things aren’t right.

It’s when they hate themselves for believing the lies, and allowing the security blanket to envelop them.

It’s only then that the person feels guilt. When the blanket is ripped away, they scream from the pain.

It’s when they feel like a hot dagger has torn through them. They stopped helping. They thought it was okay.

It’s then that they become emotionless, fearful, and afraid.

It’s then that they realise that they should have predicted it all along.

It’s only now that I realise how stupid I’ve been. I let her pull the blanket over my eyes, and now the reality has hit me with one big THWACK.

Once more, my fear for her is deep in my chest, and even if it may be one thing too much right now, nothing can make the ache go away. I love her, I can’t be blind anymore. Even if she wants to be blind, I won’t. Because I fear for her life.

It’s All Over

So, Christmas Day is over, the fun and festivities have gone. We’ve opened presents, we’ve drank champagne and eaten far too much food. We’ve played games, watched awful TV, and fallen asleep on the sofa. I don’t feel as happy as I know that I should though, and it’s beginning to grind on me. A lot. An awful, awful lot.

I’ve had some lovely things. A pandora charm, a candle making kit, perfume, chocolate, and alcohol. No, of course I’m not complaining! In fact, I’m extremely pleased, and surprised. I’ve been well and truly spoilt.

Unfortunately though, there was a couple of things that ruined yesterday. I felt fairly sick all day, and slept awfully on Christmas Eve. Although I stomached all four courses of Christmas dinner, I couldn’t move afterwards and I kept getting a completely overwhelming feeling that I needed to cry from the pain and sickness (top tip, deep breathing). That sucks, because nobody wants to be ill on Christmas Day, do they!? And on top of that, as the night drew in, I forgot how to enjoy myself, my brain overcrowded by feelings of failure and dread. My first exam is in twenty days, and I’ve not been revising hard enough. I don’t know enough, and at this rate, I’m not going to do well enough. I’m supposed to be going out with my family today, but then I’ve got to go to London all weekend, and I know that by Monday I probably won’t be able to cope if I haven’t done any revision. It’s crazy.

On top of that, all I want to do is say Merry Christmas to one person. I can’t text or call her as she’s currently abroad, and while the first Facebook message was seen (but she never replied), subsequent ones haven’t even been delivered, even though she’s been active several times since I sent it. I’m trying not to be ridiculous, but my brain is slowly beginning to think that I’ve done something wrong. She doesn’t have to reply. She doesn’t have to read it. Facebook is allowed to muck up so it doesn’t deliver. But my brain doesn’t work like that, does it? All I want is to say two little words…

Merry Christmas. And Happy Boxing Day. I’m still deciding if I should enjoy family time, or revise. The dilemma is huge, and seriously, it’s killing me. It may not seem like much, but it really really is.

Contented

Today was always going to be hectic. I bag packed for four hours this morning, and had a flute lesson straight afterwards. I was met at my flute teacher’s house by a friend, and we went for a very rushed coffee. It’s been a day involving a lot of standing up, forced smiles, and encouraging words for the small people in yellow who I was helping at the supermarket. It was a little awkward, and I’ve been feeling a little emotional as of late. I knew the leader at bag packing is having a hard time, she told me twice today that I was awesome and someone to be relied on, and when I said goodbye, she said she would miss me. I really wanted to give her a hug and say thank you, but even though I’m eighteen now, I didn’t feel like I could. A similar thing happened when I left my flute teacher’s house. It was a little strange. My flute teacher knows most of my life happenings, but it’s just one step too far.

Of course, as is with everything right now, my best friend *cough, we’re retitling her ‘big sister’, asap* changed things. You may remember that back in March, I wrotethis post about lighting a candle in the church with my best friend. Tonight, we went and did that again. This time, we lit two candles each in the church. I don’t know what her two candles were for, and she doesn’t know what mine were for. I’d tell her if she asked, but there wasn’t a chance. I don’t know what it was that made tonight feel any different from any other time that she’s comforted me when I’m having a tough time, but today just was really special. I could see it in her eyes that she really meant everything that she said, and that every hug she gave me, when she held my hand, or gently touched my arm, it was about love, friendship, and nothing else. In a strange way, it kind of upset me more. She wasn’t doing it because she had to, she was doing it because she cared. She essentially had to carry me out of that church, and walk me back to the car with her arm around me and my head resting on her shoulders, whispering comforting words once more. She’s given me her ring again, the one that says ‘believe’. She’s told me to keep it until January. It’s one month until I see her again. It’s going to be a loooong month, and there’s going to be battles to fight. But I’ll do it, and then I get three whole days of her time, and that’s so exciting!

I’m lying on my bed now, my eyes still stinging from the tears, but I’m strangely content. I let music back into my life today, and a couple of days ago, I let my best friend back into my head, too. And breathe. I’m safe now. She tells me it’ll be okay, and that she’s always here for me. We may fight, but we’re essentially family, so it doesn’t change anything. I believe her. Christmas is a time for belief, and a time to be content.

Fear of the Future

I’m paralysed by the memories of the past and fear of the future. I’m afraid to step forward and move on, to concentrate and to apply myself, because I’m absorbed by less than happy happenings. I’m ready though. I’m ready to talk, I’m ready to let go, and I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to ace this university course and make the most of the future.

I just need someone who will listen to me, and they don’t always exist. They’re busy, they’re in pain, and they’ll probably let me down. They might not have the time, and I’ll be left to wait again. But I don’t know how much waiting I have left in me. I don’t know if I can wait another day. My hopes are built, and I’m not sure how I’ll react if I’m let down this time. Now I’m afraid of trying to let go, and surely that’s backwards?

We stick like glue.

When I first started to draft this post, I was counting down the hours and calculating percentages in time of how long I still had to wait. It was less than two days until I saw my best friend again. I didn’t even know how to contain myself, and if the tension wasn’t at an all time high at home, I’d probably have been walking around with a perma-smile on my face! I was excited, but a little nervous too.

There wasn’t any need to be nervous, because as soon as I saw her and wrapped her up for a hug, I relaxed. Instantly. And within moments of settling into Nero’s, it began to feel like we’d never left. No, it wasn’t perfect. Nothing about our friendship ever has or ever will be perfect, but that’s not the point. It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t the fairy-tale reunion. There was smiles. There was laughter. There was chai, and at one point, there was giggling-until-you-cry. It was special, and it’s the best day that I’ve had in a long time.

You see, it’s strange when after so much anticipation, it feels like you’ve never been away. But isn’t that what’s important? To just slip back into it like nothing has ever changed is very very special. Our friendship is unique, and that’s because she’s a very amazing girl. I don’t think it’ll be the same when I see my other friends later in the week, but with her, it’s like nothing has changed. Even our visit to school felt ‘normal’ once we’d both gotten over the silly ‘what the heck are we doing?’ flip!

We may have grown up a lot over the last few years, and look an act very differently, but everyone who knows us knows that we’re close, and our friendship is special. Just via skype she can ‘happy haze’ me so I’m smiling down to my but. I mean, seriously!? But it’s built on foundations of trust. That’s all. This friendship started with a secret that didn’t belong to either of us, and from there, it’s only grown. Not many people can say that, can they? I wanted to entitle this post ‘We stick like glue’, and whilst I think that I still will do so, I’m coming to realise that actually, our relationship isn’t like glue. It’s not glue, because glue (or good glue at least!) doesn’t come unstuck. But we do. We move away, we head to University, we study, and we take exams. We fight and squabble just like sisters, and sometimes, we even make each other cry. We care though, and in the end, we’ll always come back to one another, and be there for a hug, or to lean on. I love her like a sister and nobody will change that. Perhaps it would be appropriate then to describe us as magnets. Whilst the opposite poles and views may repel sometimes, it’s much more preferable to be stuck together. It’s easier that way, and much stronger, too.

I’m not good with words, and whilst she says she liked my pictures and pins them to her wall at university, I get the impression that it’s more in the same way that a mother coos over the pictures her toddler draws, and sticks them to the fridge because she feels like she has a loving duty to do so. I’ve tried so many times to explain how much I love this girl, and how much she means to me, but the words simply escape me. I don’t think she understands, and it’s a bit sad that she will not allow herself to believe it. She is too many things, both materialistic and emotional. She’s my support, propping me up and making me smile. She’s a trainee doctor, a musician, and my comfort blanket. She’s a girl with an eating disorder, and other mental health issues. She’s a girl that thinks she’s fat. She’s a clean freak. She’s amazing at hockey. She gives the tightest and safest hugs. She’s organised. She’s a smiler. She can pull the best faces. She gives amazing advice and knows how to react. She knows how to speak publicly, and one on one. She’s beautiful. She’s pretty. She has an ‘interesting’ dress sense sometimes. She reads me like a book yet can’t figure me out. And I can read her like a book yet can’t figure her out. She’s very very special to me, and it’s simple. I wouldn’t cope without her.

It was a fabulous reunion, and I couldn’t have asked for anything more. She’s taught me that everything will be okay, and she makes me strong. Seeing her again was just a reminder that truly, she never left, and never will leave. Neither will I. I trust her with my life, and she trusts me with hers. We can do anything. Always and forever.

Saying Goodbye and Heading Home

I said my goodbyes, and one by one I moved around the flats, hugging each person in turn. The last person to say goodbye to was the girl who at the start of semester, I adored, and I thought that we’d go on to be really good friends. Recently, she’s not been talking to me, and it has knocked me down a lot. I must have done something wrong, and I was gutted. This girl had my name for Secret Santa though, and she bought me the cutest and most thoughtful present. That’s weird, talk about mixed messages! Last night, I decided that instead of sitting alone, I should join in with the group games. I did, and it was the best night of the semester! Later on, after smiling and laughing all night, I dropped her a text, to apologise for being antisocial as of recent, some bad things had happened, and I’d really enjoyed the evening. She text back the cutest reply, and I was smiling once again. I still think her actions have been very odd, but then, maybe mine have a little too, and regardless of the situation, I still think she’s very trustworthy. So, today, when I said my goodbyes I turned to hug her, but first, I smiled. She smiled back, and pulled me into a hug that was just a little bit tighter than all the others, and very quickly and discretely rubbed my back. ‘Thank you’, I whispered. ‘Make sure you have a fantastic Christmas’, she replied. It’s strange, and I probably shouldn’t see it as positive, and it’s me probably being just a little too hopeful, but it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I’ve said my goodbyes, we had a floor Christmas dinner, society parties, and a Thursday night out for someone’s birthday. Now, I’ve climbed onto the train home, and I’m very very excited. Surprisingly, I’m a little sad to be leaving the university, even though I’ve never really felt like I fit in. The feeling is mixed however, with the fact that I’ll be going home, I’m seeing my family, I’m helping at Rainbows, I’m visiting Rangers and school, I’m meeting my best friend for coffee and my other friends for dinner. There’s good food, Christmas cheer, and revision to look forward to.

I’m feeling very very content, and it’s beautiful. I won’t work on this journey, but I will smile, and live with the knowledge that in three hours, I’ll be home again.

I did it!

In a haze of sleep, stomach ache and glitter, I’m feeling rather happy with myself this morning.

Last night, I went out, I didn’t get overly drunk so I didn’t panic, and I enjoyed myself! I even attempted to help someone who was being sick! It was easily the best night of the semester and my first ever ‘proper’ night out. I was about on par with how I felt at my best friend’s eighteenth, and while anything would struggle to top that night, last night was pretty high up the ladder.

I didn’t panic. Wow. I danced. I didn’t cry. I had so much fun, and I’m so damn excited for January after exams are over now! My only disappointment was that the dominoes pizza we waited four hours for never arrived. But on the bright side, I don’t even really feel that bad this morning.

I’ve got a HUGE grin on my face though, and the knowledge that I’m going home tomorrow and I get a one and a half hour coffee with my best friend on Tuesday is honestly amazing. I’m so excited I can’t even put it into words.

I had a disgusting dream last night. I always have the worst ones when I’ve been drinking. Something to do with my best friend, shopping, laxatives, another weight loss item which I cannot remember, and a heck of a lot of tears. I meant a heck of a lot. And shouting and screaming, too. I’ve told myself though, on my own, that it’s not real and it’s not true and I’ll see her in five days and can assess it all for myself.

It’s going to be okay, I just have to keep riding this high!

Music

I can’t decide if music is my drug or my enemy. I can’t decide if it keeps me sane, or drives me to insanity, and sometimes, that’s a very very horrible thought.

I’ve grown up to be a flautist, having flute lessons since the age of seven. My first flute teacher was fantastic, but when I moved schools at age ten, playing the flute lost all its joy. My new flute teacher was evil, and regardless of how determined I always was, she knocked me down, and I failed. Time and time again. I had no musical background to fall back on, and my parents simply didn’t understand. Lacking confidence anyway, that teacher crushed me just a little too much, and when I moved schools again at age fourteen, I didn’t speak to my new teacher for a very very long time. What that lady did however, was bring joy and confidence back into my life, and I cannot thank her enough.

She’s taught me that music relaxes me, and allows me to breathe, and to forget. When I’m playing, I cannot concentrate on exams and stress, and so it gives me time out. It’s a beautiful feeling, to feel the tension fall from your shoulders, but it can mean that you open up a little too much sometimes, and that can be dangerous.

What playing the flute doesn’t do however, is make feelings go away. It may allow me to forget about work and exams, because I cannot concentrate on two things at once, but in allowing me to let go, playing music allows everything to escape that has built up inside me for so long. Bands and orchestras are a little different. It’s not ‘my’ music, and I can struggle to become emotionally attached, but solo pieces have a different story entirely. There’s death, love, smiles, and tears all associated with each piece I play, depending on when I learnt it, and what it sounds like. For someone who struggles to name emotions, music is a way that I can explain how I’m feeling. That can be a godsend, but when I’m trapped in a little room with my teacher in the corner of the music block, it can be hell. It can end in tears, because sometimes, the music just gets too much.

The more I let build up inside me, the more I find that the music tears me apart. I’ve stopped practicing my flute, because it’s too much to handle. The rush of emotion is difficult to cope with, and it can exhaust me physically and mentally for days and days. It’s horrible, because I loved it. I love playing, and I don’t want to loose that, but it’s too much emotion. I can’t cope with the flute when I’m struggling, and recently has been a time like that.

As time passes and I drift further and further from my love of playing and my desire to get my grade eight, I’m finding that other things are affecting me more. Without that little time to offload, I’m simply letting the wall get higher and higher, and so not only do I not want to talk at all, I want to ignore my feelings, and when something does make that wall come crashing down, I’m struggling to cope. Again, it’s only music that can achieve it. Listening now makes all the difference. The classical music in the foyer of the doctors, the pieces played in the christmas concert, and the lyrics to some songs on the radio.

There’s a song in the charts right now which has the first line ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you wish you were dead.’ I hate it. Every time I hear it, it destroys me, leaving a mess behind. It goes against everything I’ve taught myself to believe over the past few years, and somehow, that combination of words and sound brings back too many memories. Friendship. Eating disorders. Stress. Hope. Hatred. Pain. Talking. Hiding. Depression.

It’s sad that I’m leaving music behind. It’s just another way to cut myself off from the world, but this time, it’s something that I really love. I don’t want to loose the things that I love, because that will only make coping harder. The worst is yet to come in all sorts of ways for all sorts of people, and I need to be strong, and I need to be ready. Now isn’t the time to say my goodbyes to music, but I’ve simply forgotten how to use music to my advantage. I’ve forgotten a lot of things related to emotions really. I’ve forgotten how to talk, I’ve forgotten how to play. And I mustn’t. I mustn’t allow myself to do this anymore.

Perhaps tomorrow I can face my fear, and play my flute. It would be nice to do so without the pain, and it would be nice to do so without someone having to remind me, or ask me. Something tells me however that I won’t do it without a nudge. It’s just like leaping off a diving board for the first time. If you’re afraid of heights and there’s nobody behind to push you, you probably won’t bother. This time, there’s nobody to nudge me.

8am Reflection and Advice

I’m feeling well and truly awful (from the alcohol) this morning, I’m pretty sure my best friend did an all nighter last night, the day before her first uni exam (and so I’m worrying my socks off), and more than anything in the world I want a hug. From anyone. (As per)

But you know, I’m feeling surprisingly happy and confident today. It’s amazing. For no reason at all, it’s as though a big black cloud has been lifted off my shoulders, and that I’m ready to face the day and make it fantastic.

I mean, I don’t fancy getting out of bed, but that’s only because of the effects of the alcohol. I enjoyed myself last night, it was rather a laugh, and I overcame a few hurdles. To anyone else they are actions that they’d think nothing of, but for me, walking up to the bar and ordering a bottle of wine with nobody to back me up was huge, and I’m happy!

I’m feeling rather fuzzy and it’s a beautiful feeling. Friday isn’t far away now, and soon it’ll be Christmas time for us all. So take away that frown, and stick a smile on your face.

If you have exams before Christmas, I say good luck to you. They’ll be okay, and at least you have Christmas off to enjoy yourself! Work hard, breathe, and smile. It’s nearly all over, and you can go home very soon.

Merry Christmas 🙂