Silence, Secrets, and Survival

I’ve been keeping a silence for at least a few months now, if not longer. The burden is really beginning to hang over me, and I’m really struggling to cope, to understand, and to come to terms with how I’m feeling.

I wanted to speak, I really did, but with exams, leavers, and DofE to cope with, I never felt like I could. We had too much other shit to deal with, without me adding something else to the burden. Then we moved away to university, and I almost forgot how to talk. I didn’t want to ruin your first few weeks, and so it was easier to stay silent; to keep the secret, for our own protection. Now, I think I’m just about regaining my strength. I’m beginning to recover from the massive blow that the secret nearly killed me with, but it’s exam time again. I have to be silent once more.

The silence is a good thing, and sometimes, it’s vital for survival. But there’s only so long that you can keep a secret before it destroys you. I learnt that the hard way when I was younger, and now that I’ve been rescued from the repetitive cycle, I’m determined not to let it kill me again.

I can feel that I’m ready to let go. I’m ready to relax, and to let the walls down, and now, holding them up is hard. I have to make it through the exam period, and I have to survive. The secrets may have kept us both safe until now, but they’re becoming the killer. I’ve got to hold that killer off just a little longer, and it’s getting really hard. It grasps me and strangles me at the most unexpected of times: stats revision, mid labs, or when I’m trying to sleep.

I want to be happy, and often, I am happy. Usually, I’m happy. But sometimes a burden is a little much for just one man to carry, and we need a little help with the load. Things have calmed a bit from the hell that was May, and I’ve decided that it’s safe to let her back in.

After exams, laughter, and happiness, of course. Positives must come first.

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