It’s time to admit the truth. I’m socially awkward, and I hate it. It’s embarrassing. Most people don’t realise how much of a problem this issue can be, and will see it as a person perhaps being shy, or stupid, or just hating their current situation. It’s not like that though, it’s just not that simple.
I try. Genuinely, I really do try to make friends and socialise. I seem to relate well to people much younger or older than me, but for some reason, those of my own age can be a little tricky. I’ve always gravitated towards the leaders at things like Guides, and often, I’d turn to my teachers at school. I love entertaining my little Rainbows, and the kids at Science Club.
When I first moved to university, it all seemed surprisingly easy. Talking was fine, I was getting on with people, and I found that there was one person who I particularly liked. I was happy. It was much easier to fit in than I expected it to be. October came and went, and that’s when things started to change. Real friendship groups started to form, I started to work out which of my flat mates I did and didn’t like, and everyone else did the same. It seems that sadly, our opinions differed a little, and now the girl who I admired for the first few weeks barely talks to me.
There’s a girl who I chat to in orchestra, but I can’t even remember her name. The people at SSAGO are lovely, but I don’t ever expect to find a friendship there that will last outside of our meetings. As for my course, there’s a little group of us. We get on well, but we don’t really socialise, as such. There’s one girl in that group who I’m particularly drawn to, and she’s rather excited to meet my best friend when she visits, too. But now, I’m not really sure what to do. Can I ask just her to meet for coffee? I don’t know, it’s all very confusing, and feels rather unnatural.
Things were so easy with my best friend, but then, I do feel like she’s the only person I’ve ever really been able to socialise with. Her, and another girl, who I’ve known since primary school days (but even then, we’ve sadly drifted apart in recent years).
In all, I feel rather lonely here, so far from home. I have my activities in the evenings, and now that my flat mates prefer to go out on a week night instead of a Saturday, I don’t really get a chance to be social. I struggle to make conversation, and I just feel a bit like everyone here thinks I’m weird. To be honest, they’re probably right.
I’m not shy, and I’m not stupid. I may have been a shy child, but I talk a lot more now, and always feel like I know what to say. But it’s strange, it’s as though I lack an innate knowledge that everyone else has on how to make friends. Even when I feel like things are going well, they reject me. It hurts, because I really am trying. It’s a little scary, too, I guess. I just don’t fit in the way that everyone else does. I’m lost.
I don’t socialise with boys either. That’s strange. I expected that to change when I got to university, but it hasn’t really. Outside of my floor, I haven’t really spoken to anyone of the opposite sex. Not only did the girls on my course seem to gravitate together (many have boyfriends already), I find guys even more difficult to understand than girls.
It’s a strange little place, my brain. It’s hard to explain how it feels, because when I meet people or spend time with people, I don’t feel like I’m doing the wrong thing. To me, it feels like I’m going about it exactly the right way. I can’t be though, or I’d be a lot more settled by now, right? I’d have friends, and I’d feel like I’d found my place here?
But I haven’t. I haven’t even found a place in Guiding. Guiding was my saviour at home, but there’s no Rainbows here, and it’s just not the same leading Guide age.