I may have told everyone around me that I’m exhausted and I’m going to sleep. It’s a lie though.
I’m in physical and mental pain, and no matter how hard I try to be alone, the darkness and the silence is torture because often my own thoughts are worse than the present reality. I hate it, and I fear it, yet at the same time, I crave it.
Tonight however, it’s only destroying me more and making my pain worse. I wish there was someone I could turn to. If there was anyone right now who I thought I could ring, or who could ring me and talk me out of this, I’d take it without thinking.
I don’t want to stay up all night crying. I’ve been crying for hours and hours already. I should have exhausted myself to sleep, but I simply cannot.
Whilst I want to talk soon, I want that moment to be specific, and that moment will not be tonight. I wish that tonight I could just hear comforting words, and find someone to help me turn on the light, but there’s no one. People have lives and priorities, and I don’t blame them for that. I don’t want them to feel guilty, because they’re not guilty. There’s nothing to be guilty of.
But it’s scary, and with nobody to tell me that it’s going to be okay, and just under twelve hours until I need to get up, it’s going to be a long night of staring at the ceiling. If there’s no comfort at 9pm, there certainly won’t be any at 3am. I wish I wasn’t alone.
Morning will come though, and the light should bring a few moments of peace, forgetfulness, and laughter. That’s what I pray for, but I fear it may no longer be the case.