I’m not sure that this is the most sensible idea that I’ve ever had. It’s been a difficult year, a year of hopes and dreams and heartache. But maybe it’s time to try and draw a line under this year, and to move on, to let 2015 be a new year? Or at least, to try to. To actually do so will probably be nearly impossible, but surely there’s no harm in trying, right?
I don’t remember every little in and out of 2014. Lots of it is a blur, except the end of June, leavers. I’ll try to give this post a little structure though, when so many of my posts are not. I’ve decided, that whilst it might make me cry and rip my heart into a thousand pieces, that I should reflect on 2014 month by month, by reading my old blog posts.
First though, I’ll think about NYE last year, the first time I drank alcohol (albeit two glasses of WKD). I sat with my parents and chilled, and whilst didn’t think that I was up to it, I did the complete opposite this year. A meal and night out in town with my friends, I have got a stomach bug I feel awful, and I was also rather nervous about fitting in, and what if I wanted to come home before the taxi was booked? It was fine though. In fact, it was more than fine. I can have fun if only I can let myself relax. Breathe.
January, then, before I career completely off topic. I only wrote three posts in January, the most poignant of which was about parents evening, and failing biology. I wasn’t good at writing down my emotions then, and while I was bricking it, it doesn’t seem too obvious from the post! Maybe I’ve improved a little, then?
February was the result of only two posts, one of which was about my new task to get swimming in an attempt to get fit. I loved the early morning swim sessions with my best friend over the next few months, and I wish that we could have that time together again.
March saw the first time that I ever really wrote about my thoughts on my best friend having an eating disorder, in a post entitled ‘All I think about is food…’ It’s something I’d been worried about for a long long time before, but it was then that I realised exactly how serious it was, and exactly how responsible I was, as the only person who realised this. It was then that it started to kill me and crush me and everything around me got harder and harder until it just became all too much.
April saw a whopping nineteen published posts! While I was slowly finding ways to cope with school and my parents, my best friends eating was ruining me. It was killing me, destroying me, and I wasn’t sleeping at night. The next few months were a haze of pain and support, and it was hard. I’d do it again though, a million times over. I know that in the future, I’ll have to do it again. She’s not okay, and I want her to trust me.
May was the month of my first exam, and I was still consumed by my best friend whilst also struggling with my own problems. I thought about giving up, but I decided that I had to find my voice. I thanked my best friend for helping me out, and for a tiny little while, I let myself ride the wave of happiness.
With exams in full swing, June had me starting to think about moving away to University. Sadly, there was the dreaded leavers dinner, which still makes me feel sick and my stomach flip with guilt. Even though it was the right thing at the time, it didn’t help and I can never ever forgive myself.
August was all about results. I met a teacher for coffee to discuss how things had been since leavers, and I got my results and got in! I still worried about my friend as I realised how bad things still were. I knew that I couldn’t give up, but I still found things hard, and cried an awful lot!
I wrote 28 posts in October, so of course, I don’t have time to reflect on them all. I was finding uni hard and my best friend had stopped eating again, we fought and argued as I struggled to get to grips with the new life. It wasn’t long though before we were friends again, and we’ve been doing amazingly ever since. I knew moving away would be hard, and I think this blip only made us closer, and remember what we’re here for.
I was struggling with doctors tests at the start of November. I was getting mixed need from home too, and it was hard. I wanted to protect my best friend, and I worred again about what would happen if she died. I was counting down until I saw her again, and I was settling into university. I may not have blogged about it much, but i was beginning to feel like I fit in, even if only just a tiny little bit.
And now, it’s the last day of December. The year is over, and it has been long. Very very long. I was very very accidentally late submitting an essay at the start of this month. As the weeks passed though, my thoughts moved to getting home, and reflecting on what I’d learnt in my first semester at university (I love post!). Eventually, I did get home, whoooop! Yey! I survived!
It’s not even an easy year, and writing this has broken my heart and made me want a hug once more. But I wouldn’t take it back and change it, because everything I did was because of someone I loved or something I cared about. That’s important. There was reasons, good reasons for the tears and the pain. There was happy times too, even if not too many, there was enough. That’s not what it’s about though, it’s about support, and learning that we can get through anything, if only there’s someone by our side to hold our hand and help us along the way.
Happy New Year. Here’s to 2015, however good or bad it may be.