Punishing Myself

There’s nothing that I hate more than upsetting those that I care about. It literally tears me apart and leaves me unable to move. Perhaps for some that may seem to be an overreaction, but when I really care for someone, I don’t want to upset them or make them angry. If I can, I want to always see them happy, and I definitely don’t ever want to be the cause of their unhappiness.

What frustrates me most of all though, is that usually, they’re upset through misunderstanding. I’ve angered them, but they’ve simply seen and taken a double meaning in something that I’ve said (usually by text) without actually stopping and considering what I may actually mean, or to ask questions and allow me time to explain. 99% of the time, I don’t mean it in the way that they’ve seen it. I’m not a hateful person, I’m really and truly not.

If anything, the slight anger or upset that I caused may not have that much of an effect on the person, but if they act as though it does and then disappear without actually confirming it, I suffer. My aim in life is not to break hearts, and it breaks my own to think that I may have done so.

I hate myself for causing upset in the world, when my soul aim is to try and create peace. I hate myself for not giving those who care about me what they deserve, and so even if it is only a minor slip, I will punish myself in the harshest way.

And so now, I find myself curled in my bed, suffering from the effects of the conversation I had with my best friend. While it would always punish myself if it has ended like this, today, I’m beyond angry. I don’t want to do this, and I can’t push her away. I’ve already had bad news today and I’m loosing far too much without her as well.

And I didn’t even say anything that was meant to be horrible in any way. It’s always a text message taken out of context. I flipping well hate texts, because they can have so many meanings whereas if you said it out loud there would be no doubt and you’d laugh together.

And now she’s gone. To eat, to a lecture, to ignore me, to work, I’ve no idea. But I am forcing myself to suffer. Because I may have hurt her. She’s stopped replying, and until I know for sure, I won’t allow myself to be happy. I’ve tipped the balance. I was wobbling this morning after hearing what I’ve heard, and so upsetting someone else was just too much for me today.

My aim is only to love, and I sure as hell don’t want to loose anyone, especially if it’s not my fault.

Please call me back, let it be okay. I’m afraid of everything, and I can’t do this without you.

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