It’s 3am and I’m very much mid panic attack. Tonight has been a whirlwind of emotion and I’m not sure how to take it. There wasn’t plans and boundaries, there was change and the unknown. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve had to drink, that’s scary even when I’m sober. Combined with alcohol, it can seem almost impossible.
And now it’s 10pm the following day, and I’m laughing at myself. Because last night, I was okay. In fact, last night, I enjoyed the majority of it. 98% of last night was absolutely awesome. Except a near panic attack as I passed from sober to tipsy, an ‘I can’t breathe’ situation in the club with no inhaler, and a panicy 3am comedown.
But I did okay. Alcohol has always been tricky for me, and with people I don’t know that well, it’s even harder. But one day, I’ll enjoy the whole night. I’ll know my limits and boundaries and I’ll cope without reassurance. It may take a long time, but I’ll get there, because I deserve to be able to let go and have fun, just like everyone else. Right?
It’s not long now until my birthday, and if I know and plan beforehand, I can drink as much as I want. It’s about control and understanding of limits. I don’t really have those yet, except I did the sick thing last week with my best friend and swore never again. I know I don’t panic now when the alcohol comes out, but I do still panic when I feel it affecting me, and when I stop the adrenaline fuelled dancing. I need to address that and cope with that, and right now, my way to cope is to know EXACTLY what I’ve had, EXACTLY what I’m planning to have, and EXACTLY where we’re going.
The problems started last night when the plans changed from quiet drinks in the spoons to ‘let’s go to a nightclub’. I hadn’t had enough to dance, but I didn’t want to miss out, so I sped up, and I certainly didn’t pour all my own drinks. For me, that’s crossing a boundary of not okay, and that made me panic.
I also struggle to see my friends drunk. If they’re drunk, they won’t be able to help me, and they won’t be able to help themselves. That’s why I hate alcohol, because that’s when people get hurt.
But I’m learning and I’m growing and one day it will all be okay. I just need supporting in my venture. I don’t know just yet what the stages are, but by my hen do (which I hope is AT LEAST ten years off, yet) I know that I want to be able to drink what I want, with who I want, plans to change no questions asked, as much as I want, and not have to question those around me, or even myself, because I want to be able to trust myself to be safe, and not need to rely on anyone else. That’s going to take a long time, because I’m so far from that right now, but talking and planning will get me there. I made a resolution to be positive, and I want that to stretch to every single aspect of my life.
Alcohol makes me miss you though, and it’s definitely harder when I miss you. Everything is harder.