Where I’m At

My head is a little jumbled. But I’m feeling positive. I think. I don’t know. I’m not really that sure how I’m feeling. I mean, there’s just too much to think about right now, and I’m struggling to break it down, sort and repackage it in order for my brain to process. However much I’d like to write something meaningful today, I can’t, because it doesn’t make sense yet. So, here’s where I’m at. Straight from my brain. Maybe you’ll understand better than I do. I hope that someone can understand!

I’m feeling positive. I’ve got a generally positive outlook (except for when I stop taking my pill) and I think that in doing okay.

But I am worried about my blood test tomorrow and the general doctor situation though.

As always, my best friend is on my mind. Right now, she’s really really on my mind. Recently, I’m pretty convinced that she’s lying to protect me. That’s consuming me. It’s a slow process, but if she doesn’t talk soon, I’m going to end up back at the place I was six months ago, and I know that it’ll be a pretty rapid decline to get there. She’s my best friend, I care about her, and I NEED her to trust me, especially given that she’s so far away.

My mum. Parents are always a worry, right?

I need a house for next year. I don’t really like the people I’m with or the house that I’ve found and it could mean a year of hell.

Uni has a massive workload. I don’t think I’m working enough, but I’d probably kill myself if I did any more. Getting back into the new semester could be tricky, and I’m not sure how I’ll cope.

Exam results. I still have a month to wait. Enough said.

I’m excited for my birthday trip to London in three weeks. So so so so so excited, and it’s keeping me going.

Alcohol. I’m always thinking about that one at the weekend. Limits, boundaries, plans, hopes, dreams, fears, and coping.

I need to go running because I’m unnaturally unfit and it’s bad for my health. I know running will help me stress wise too, but I’m afraid to go. I’m not sure why, or what to do.

And am I eating enough? Am I eating too much? Am I spending too much? Am I eating the right things? Do I get enough iron? What will the doctor say? What if I end up putting on weight? What if I loose weight? What if my friend looses weight? What if her flat mates don’t notice? Can I control something here? Can I find something to count, be it money or calories, when everything else goes mad? I shouldn’t though, should I? But I’m loosing control of everything, and that’s terrifying.

So maybe I should just clean more? Then I can take control. But I don’t have time to do that. I don’t know.

And my main issue, to be completely honest, is my lack of control over the whole thing. This time, I’ve even tricked myself into thinking that I’m feeling positive, but when I lie in bed at night, the demons hit me. All those things circle around my head. I have no control, and that’s horrible. My biggest fears are failure and a lack of control. I try so hard to control each of those aspects of my life, but right now, my brain is struggling to process and prioritise as it’s just screaming ‘DON’T PANIC IT’LL WORK ITSELF OUT AND BE OKAY’.

I actually think that this is just as hard and painful as my pessimistic state, where I get upset. At least then I can try to prioritise, even if my priorities aren’t always what they should be. Right now, I can’t do anything. I can’t cry, I can’t act to make it better, and I don’t know where to begin.

I guess what this really tells me is that the positivity that I thought I was doing so well with is all a lie. I need to find the middle ground, but I need some advice, because I can’t find it on my own. I wish I was strong enough to ask for that advice. Or I wish that someone would just book it in, sort it for me, and force me to ask that advice. Yes, I like to control my life, but I think I need to accept that I’m making a bloody awful job of it right now.

Perhaps it’s time to ask for help. Not big help, just some advice on coping with stress and prioritising problems so that I can deal with them properly.

But I’m not sure that I can even ask for help without someone helping me.

I don’t know.

I should ask my best friend for advice. But she’s busy. But she knows all of this. Maybe she’ll call me when she has the time? I can’t ask her for anything more, she’s amazing anyway. But I can’t call her, because she’s busy. I’ve had a lot of her time recently.

But maybe I can do this on my own.

No, of course I can’t. I need someone to hold my hand, because it’s weird over here.

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