Have you ever felt that it’s a relief to cry? To be able to let go, and to be who you really are, and feel what you really feel?
I never think I have. And then I cry, and I know what it feels like. And it’s sort of tears of joy and sadness mixing together, because you’re not quite sure if you’re happy that you don’t need to internalise anymore, or if you’re sad because you’ve done something impossible, you’re still fighting something deadly, or you simply don’t know how to cope anymore. It’s a funny place to be.
Because I’ve been afraid to blog. That’s why you’ve not heard from me in so long. I wanted to be perfect, I wanted to socialise, to work properly, to sleep and eat properly, to have more fun and do more work. So, I just haven’t sat down to blog. And I haven’t thought about what I’ve really been feeling. But the last few days I’ve had the odd stall which I’ve had to fix. It’s been fine, and the facade has stayed up, but now, I’ve decided I have to let go. I’m locked away in my dark bedroom, just me and my iPad, and several hours if I need it. I’ve been in a reflective mood all day, I nearly made myself cry in a lecture earlier.
I can’t put my finger on any one thing that’s making me feel uneasy, because I genuinely thought I was happy. I kind of feel like I tricked myself though, because to be alone and to really feel right now has made me remember that I’m not okay, and I don’t have to be okay. Yes, I can pretend to be okay in order to fix social situations, but I don’t have to be okay 24/7. I’m allowed to think, to feel, and to cry. Most of all, I NEED to talk and to write. So tonight, I’m forcing myself to do those things, and I’m forcing myself to blog.
Why? Because there’s a lot of things that I struggle with. Social situations, rational worry, irrational worry, stress, and probably a million other things, too. Whilst I like to think I’m quite capable of just dealing with them, there’s times when I’m not. And if I don’t write or talk, I’m at risk of going back to the place that I used to be. When you internalise, it’s too easy to feel alone, and I don’t want to go back to the habits that I’ve spent years breaking. It’s a lonely place, and I’m enjoying the friends and socialisation that I currently have. Not only that though, it’s fun to share some happy relief with the world, too. I love in a house with very pushy parents, and they’re not always as happy for me when I achieve something as I may hope for them to be. Blogging allows me to be me, and be as happy as I want to be. I got three firsts in my semester one modules. I’m over the moon, and I want to share those times, too!
So tonight, I’m going to take the leap that I’ve been trying to take for a week. I will force myself to blog, because once I’ve written one or two, it’ll be easy to incorporate it more regularly into my life. I need to remember why I blog. Yes, to an extent, I blog for you, but mostly, I blog for me. Blogging allows me to rationalise and organise my thoughts, to understand myself and the situations around me, and to cope with what’s going on by making a little space in my head.
So, I know I said this before, but this time, I really mean it. Here goes nothing, and lets get back to blogging!