Today, one of my uni friends said to me ‘Yeah, but you’re social, and she’s not’. What she didn’t realise, and you probably don’t realise is that one sentence was enough to make me feel on top of the world for a few minutes. For a girl like me, to be told that I’m social is almost life changing.
I’ve always struggled to fit in. I’ve never quite been able to socialise with my peers properly. Until I get to know you extremely well, I have to concentrate on what to say and when is appropriate to speak. Even little things like making phone calls terrify me. I struggle to fit in, and I’ve never really had many friends. I was pushed around and bullied by all sorts of people as a kid, both adults and other kids, so forming relationships has just never been easy.
Since Christmas, when it was decided for certain who I’d share a house with next year, I’ve known that I have to make the effort. I’ve spent a lot of time with my new friends, sometimes to the determent of my own health and happiness. I’m one of those people who needs alone time to refocus, and I’m also someone who needs a lot of sleep. Both of those things have been left to slide, and compared to last semester, my work has a little, too.
But I think I can get there. Because finally, I feel like I fit in. Of course, Guiding will probably be the only place I ever truly feel accepted, but my friends actually like me. Or at least I think they do. They wouldn’t tell me I was social if they didn’t, would they? And you know, that makes me over the moon. Because of course, I won’t completely reject my new found friends, but it does mean that I can take a little of my own time back to be me and to work even harder. I don’t have to concentrate so much on friendship, and that’s a huge relief.
And you know what? Of all of them, there’s one girl I really like. While we’re not there yet, and it will never ever be to the same extent, it would be amazing if, and I hope that one day I will be able to trust that girl even a quarter as much as I trust my best friend. It would be nice to know that it’s safe, that there’s someone else out there who won’t let me down.