500 miles

Yesterday, I needed someone. Yesterday, I cried for four hours solid. Last night was terrible, and I needed someone to stand beside me and prop me up for a while.

But there was nobody there, and I remembered how lonely university can be sometimes.

After a couple of hours, I decided to contact my best friend. I didn’t want to panic her, or worry her. It’s too close to exams for me to mess up her life again, but I just needed to hear her voice. I know that there’s nothing she can do from 500 miles away but I needed to know that somebody cared. I tried to keep my voice as even as I could. I didn’t want her to know that I was crying. I told her that I just wanted to say hi, but she was busy. She said she’d call me back later, but I knew as soon as she said it that she wouldn’t. I didn’t rest any hope on it at all like I may have done in the past. She’s rubbish at getting back to me sometimes.

I continued to cry for another two hours. I breathed deeply, I stood and talked to myself in the mirror, but nothing helped. Nothing made the shooting pain go away, and I cannot remember a time when I felt so alone.

I’m fighting with myself about if it’s okay to call her again today. I don’t know if I can afford to screw over her chances like I have so many times before. I don’t know if it’s time for me to grow up and face the world on my own. I don’t know if I should pretend it’s all okay, plaster a smile on my face, and get through my exams before I allow myself to think and feel. I don’t even know what I’m capable of.

I’m just in need of a friend, and it’s a friend that I couldn’t find last night. In my heart of hearts, I need to tell someone what is making me so upset, but I just don’t want to worry her. She’s busy.

But in reality, I know that I need her to find half an hour for me, but I don’t know if I can ask her to do that. I need her to listen, I need her not to get frustrated, and I don’t even know if I really need advice. I just need to know that someone’s there, because this isn’t an easy situation. Perhaps I’ll call her again at lunch time to say hi. I probably won’t though. I don’t know if she caught on. I don’t know if she’s just too busy. I don’t know if she’s completely oblivious, but it’s times like these when I wish someone like her noticed, someone who I trusted. I wish someone would ask ‘are you okay?’.

She said she’d call me back.
She’s 500 miles away.

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