Regrounding Myself

I’m one of those people who finds social situations difficult sometimes. Equally, I’m someone who loves to be busy, and never to miss out. And of course, that leads to a girl who is always sleepy. I’m trained into early nights, deep sleeping, and naps. I can sleep through almost anything. I self regulate really well. I get nine hours of sleep per night, and I’m generally really good at making sure I keep on top of it, because I know that if I don’t, I simply won’t cope, and then I won’t achieve anything.

There’s some times though that it doesn’t quite work that way, and the result usually goes one of two ways – either I find the free time early enough to sleep for a long time and catch up, or I just power through for weeks and months until I am mentally and physically about to break from exhaustion, and the first second that I’m left alone with nothing to focus on, I break down.

That’s what’s happening right now.

I’m lucky in that tonight, I’m simply overtired from a very non-stop summer and now four days of constantly being surrounded by people who I haven’t seen for months, and thus needing to be social 24 hours a day. I’m not a naturally social person, and so long in the company of others is exhausting. But I’m not shaking uncontrollably or sick with worry, because there’s nothing to be worried about right now. I just need to cry myself into an early and deep sleep, let myself go a bit, ground myself, remember who I am, and I’ll be okay tomorrow.

I need some time to just be me, not the social butterfly that I need to be in order to make the most of and enjoy my time as a student. I need to enjoy the silence and listen to my own breathing because the real work starts next week, and I can’t afford to have this much stress built up in my system.

I can’t afford to bottle, and I’m feeling more and more every day like that is what I’m doing now. I’m starting to bottle again, and that beginning to worry me a little.

It’s nights like tonight, when I’m having my moment, that I really miss home. Most of all, I miss my best friend and her words of advice, and warm hugs. I miss my old life, when I got tired and stressed but I wasn’t worried about my friends from home telling me they are okay when they’re not, because I saw them every day and knew when they weren’t okay. And I didn’t have to be social quite so much and exhaust myself quite so much because more people accepted my need to sometimes be alone. 

But then I remember how hard things were that year, and I don’t want to go back.

But it’s nights like tonight if I question if things are any better now, or if I’m still ignoring the truth and keeping it all closed inside me?

And then maybe I’m just overtired, and that’s why I feel like this. 

I appreciate time alone though, I know that much. I have to ground myself, and whilst a small pang tells me I’m missing out by not going out tonight, I know in my heart that this way, tomorrow night will be so much more fun when I’m well rested. Alcohol and stress are shit, because nobody wants to watch me cry all night, and I want to have a good time if I get drunk, alcohol causes enough anxiety as it is.

Sleeping tonight will make tomorrow better. I’ll be so excited!

Contented

I feel easy, free, happy, warm and fuzzy. I’m content, and it’s beautiful. I always feel awesome after time with my best friend, it’s like a complete detox from the world. I think her awesome-ness just rubs off on me a little, and it makes me feel all glowing inside. I absolutely love it.

Despite an afternoon of a nagging brother, a very stressful day ahead tomorrow, and feeling very tired, I’m coping well with the world. I’m noticing little things today. I’m appreciating the little things, and I’m taking the time to float around on my little happy cloud and to just be. No expectations, no anxiety, just being.

I did a good deed today. I went to the supermarket, and as I walked from the far end of the car park, I watched the people climbing into and out of their cars, busying themselves and going about their day. Being such an introvert, I love to people watch. It helps me to figure out the world and to learn a little about people, to try and understand people, and what makes us who we are. To understand what makes my best friend so caring, and some other people so disgusting. Sadly, it’s something I don’t often get time to do. I lead a busy life. But today, on my happy cloud, I found time. I noticed, whilst walking through the supermarket carpark, two ladies. One, elderly and struggling to walk, and the second presumably her daughter. They’d just loaded the shopping into the car and whilst the older woman struggled to climb into the back seat, the younger one was trying to negotiate two trolleys into some kind of organised form so she could transport them back. ‘Hey,’ I said ‘Would you like me to take those for you?’ She was speechless. I took them, and as I walked away I heard them discussing how nice it was. That made me smile, that I could make someone else happy, and just prove to one more person that not all teenagers are the same. We’re not all the stereotype.

Colder Weather by Zac Brown Band. I’ve fallen in love. It’s not the only thing I’ve fallen in love with this week – look at this, it’s not surprising that I’m chilled!

 

But my best friend is awesome. Nobody else on earth makes me feel this good about myself. She’s looked after me again, and taught me that people will always care about me. She’s reinforced my ‘okay-ness’ and I can’t thank her enough. She’s a shining star, that girl, I only wish she could see it.

I owe her a thank you. Her, and her flat mates. They made my time full of laughter, and made me content that I can socialise if I try. The world is fairly safe.

In my content-ness and warmth, I’ve been thinking. Thinking about supporting myself through the enevitable stress of second year; and also trying a variation of something I saw online. Every week, I’m going to challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone. Idea for challenges are needed, I’m going to write the list best week and I only have two or three things so far! Sometimes that’s going to terrify me and there’s weeks when I’m sure the task won’t end well, but even from 500 miles away, my best friend stands by my side.

And I’ll stand by her. Forever and always.

conflicted

It’s late, and really I should be going to sleep. I have an important meeting tomorrow night, and the hairdressers and dentist early tomorrow morning. I can’t lounge in bed all day tomorrow.

But I’m here, because I’m upset. To be quite frank, I’m simply exhausted. I’m conflicted, and combined with hormones and stress, it’s proved to be a little too much.

I love university, I can’t wait to get back, and after what happened in my house tonight I just want to go back.

But only a couple of days ago I didn’t want to go back, and even tonight when someone mentioned university I was choking back the tears of wanting to stay at home.

My house may be hell sometimes and my family may struggle, but all my safe zones are near my home. My school, my old teachers, my flute teachers, my best friends, and Guiding leaders. Some of those safe zones are gone – teachers have moved on, ex students have to have an escort into school, and I only see my flute teacher a few times a year. But they’re still there. They still kept me safe while I was at home, and now, I have nothing. At university, I have friends, but nobody I can truly rely on. There’s nobody there who can help me or who I trust, and so I put on the best smile I can and have as much fun as I can. But it’s still hard, I still struggle with stress and social situations but I do it without support.

But university is an escape from the four walls of my house and the arguments that happen within it. It’s a chance at independence, a fresh start, and an oppportunity to be whoever I want to be. It’s a laugh, and it’s new. It’s different, which is hard, but it’s also amazing fun!

Still, with less than two weeks until I go back to university, I’m not sure how to feel. I wish I could just be normal. I wish I could be like the others and overexcited to get back to uni, itching to get a house and have fun with friends who I haven’t seen in so long. But I’m not that person. I’m not a normal teenager, and even that is something which I’m struggling to accept.

I need a hug. I need a friend. I’m feeling very lonely, and most of all I just want to feel normal.

Please stand by me, I need you by my side. I need to know it’s okay, and whilst I’m too afraid to ask you, and to seem so silly when you’re having so much fun, I need to be reassured. I need the same reassurance you gave me when I was breaking, because I’m afraid this year may leave me broken, and I’ve got far too many ambitions for that.

A Busy Summer

It’s been a busy summer. A summer filled with a new job, lots of volunteering, fun, excitement, laughter, tears and memories. I’ve been tired, and I’ve worn myself out. Many times, this two month break since I wrote my last post hasn’t been from lacking the inclination, but simply just that sleep took priority. Other times though, I’ve needed to blog, but I simply could not find the words or the heart, like I was frozen, and I couldn’t allow my brain to write because then those things that were spinning in my brain would become true.

I’ve had many a sleepless night, just thinking and worrying. I’ve always been a worrier, and nothing will ever change that. I simply care too much to stop the worrying. People, places and memories just mean too much, and that makes me feel safe. I don’t really want to change. While worrying can be accompanied by fun and friendship, I have no need to change. This is who I am, and I don’t want to hide it anymore. At least, I don’t want to hide it from myself, everyone else is a different matter entirely.

This summer though, has been awesome. My job has pulled in a couple of hundred pounds a week. I’ve organised a camping trip as part of my Queen’s Guide, I helped at a Guide camp that was short of leaders, I volunteered at a county Guide day and took my Rainbows to a county day, I did my first week as a volunteer at a kids summer camp I used to adore, I spent copious amounts of time wth friends, I’ve caught up on my flute lessons and my grade eight is slowly drifting into sight. I’ve still got more fun to come! I’m running a meeting for my own Rainbows, I’m organising a fun day for 60 kids, and of course, I’m going to Scotland to see my best friend. I am beyond excited!

I’m a little nervous too though. I’m worried that I won’t be organised enough to get everything done. I’m afraid that in just over two week’s time when I go back to university, I won’t be ready. I’m worried that things will go wrong. But I have a million other worries too, about everyone else in my life. But I’m sure it’ll be okay, because everything works out okay in the end. I was less than 1% away from a 1st last year, and so just by working a tiny bit harder, I have the potential to achieve something that I want so badly.

And that positivity is new. I’ve never really been postive, but the fact that I’m learning to gives me hope, and hope is what keeps us alive.