To me, flying is a bit like goodbyes. They both make me feel the same kind of way, and I guess that’s a little bit strange.
But today, I said goodbye, and I flew.
I may have been flying home, but I was flying away from safety. That’s rather scary, too. I was flying away from my one source of trust, hope, and love. I was flying away from friendship, and flying back to my home, soon to embark on my second year of university. I was afraid, and I was upset. I miss my best friend always, and I was terrified that the return of education may cause anxiety may overtake my life like it has done so many times before.
But that was nearly four months ago now, the day that I flew and said goodbye. That was the day that I left my best friend, and a mere few days later I started university again. Compared to last year, this semester has been more than okay, and it appears that the worry in first year was for nothing. Hell, I’ve had ups and downs. Don’t we all? But I made it, I’m alive, and another semester has been survived.
I saw that friend again today, and once more, I said goodbye. It’s strange, how each goodbye pangs in your heart a little less than the one before. I guess that with each goodbye, a hello soon follows, and I’m learning that she’s not going to abandon me. I’m okay and we’re strong and we are well and truly in this together.
Yes, I’m worried about going back to university to take my exams, but I know it will not be impossible. I’ll manage. It’s strange, but this time, I’m feeling a tiny spark of confidence deep within me that no matter what happens, it’ll be okay. People love me, people care about me, and while I have high expectations of myself and even bigger dreams, I’ll work my hardest and the exams will pass and we’ll move on. A percentage isn’t all that I’m made of.
Perhaps I haven’t worked as hard as I should have this Christmas. Perhaps I will panic and fret and get worked up and stressed, but for now I must enjoy my last night at home.
I don’t feel well and I cannot concentrate on the cardiovascular system tonight. I feel sick. I’ll do some more tomorrow, before I take my train.
Goodbye home, goodbye safety, goodbye comfort, goodbye best friend. I’ll miss you, but I hope to see you super duper soon! Stand by me, please?
I’m wishing for hopes and dreams, I’m wishing for concentration, I’m wishing for early morning text messages and silly letters in the post. I’m wishing to smile during exam season, the season that is the hardest for me.
I’m wishing that somehow I’ll get through this with more drive than I usually do, to stay happy and to not let the exams drag me down.
Goodbyes are hard. I’ll miss you.