I’m having a funny afternoon. I think I’m just extremely overtired, the blister on my foot is excruciating, and it’s playing havoc with my emotions a little. I’ve had funny afternoons before, lots of them, and lots worse ones than this, but it doesn’t make it any less weird and surprising to find myself on the verge of tears for no logical reason.
I have asked my friend, several times over the last few days, ‘Are you okay?’ She looks confused every time. ‘Of course’ – but what I really want her to say is ‘Yes, are you?’. While I would probably say ‘Yes, fine,’ (despite it not being completely true) it may just make me feel a little less strange and a little less isolated.
I know it’s bizzare, but like I just said, I’m having a funny afternoon. I’m having one of those days where I just want someone to hug me without reason, or to say something, or talk about something which is truly interesting to me. To engage with me, a way where I can choose to either be content with listening and feel comforted, or over-animatedly talk back.
I don’t know if I want silence and being alone, chatter, or hugs and calm. I’m extremely tired, so I’m hoping a nap will help, because while I know I am definitely more okay now, and have been more okay this last year than I have been in a long time, it’s still scary. I have no reasons to be achey and to feel this need to hide. There’s no reason why I need someone to hug me right now, except I feel weird. There’s no real stories to tell or tears to shed, but slipping into this weird feeling of emptiness still worries me, and reminds me of a time much more gross and stomach-churning than the present.