The Thing I Was Most Afraid to Loose

Sometimes asking for help can be harder than accepting the truth.

You can accept that all is not okay, but you’re too afraid of that truth to talk, to tell anyone. You can’t even tell those who mean the most of you. You try. Sort of. There’s always an escape though, and it’s not until night time strikes again that you remember the game you’re playing.

Your days are filled with laughter, but your nights are filed with fear of the truth, and the terrors of your past start to haunt you. You don’t know why.

The last few months have been fantastic. Absolutely brilliant, I’ve been surviving better than ever before! Recently though, I have a constant pit of fear in my stomach, but that feeling makes me so uneasy that I daren’t tell anyone.

I’m okay, I’m having a fantastic time, I really am! But sometimes this feeling swallows me, and I’m afraid. I want to cry, but I just can’t. I can’t cry, I can’t speak, and there’s nobody to trust, and nobody to hug. I just sit at the back of the cave, and be.

I am a person who needs love, and who thrives on love and care. I’m also a person who needs people to care about. Sometimes, those two things, separately or combined, do me harm, but I need them. And sometimes they do more good than I could ever imagine.

Regardless, without them, I am lost. Without care and love and someone to trust, I am broken. My days can be the best days of my life, but without someone to hold me when I trip and fall, life is terrifying. The demons make me feel sick. The days are good – I laugh, I smile, I work hard, I’m focussed… But a part of me needs to care, needs to listen, needs to talk, and needs to hug. I don’t have that any more, and that was the thing I was always most afraid to loose. I’ve been so happy I didn’t realise, but there’s nobody there to listen anymore.

I don’t want to break. I won’t allow myself to break. This life is too good to ruin.

But the security of a hug could change everything some times, even if that is a hug is a hello, a moment of laughter, or the sharing of excitement. It doesn’t have to be an unhappy tearful hug. It just has to show safety.

Security is everything, but I feel like that security has run away, and now I’m too scared to chase it down in case I can’t find it again.

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