Scars

I haven’t responded to a Daily Prompt for ages. Ages and ages. Today I stumbled across it when I came here to write a post. It fitted my thoughts and feelings perfectly. It summarised what I wanted to write, so I am using the Daily Prompt today. It means I have to think a little less, and that will help.

I am revising for exams at the moment. One of my units is, essentially, about the brain. That of course means studying mood disorders: depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, the list goes on.

I find the brain so engaging and interesting and mind blowingly cool (excuse the unintentional pun). But that doesn’t make some of the topics any easier, when I have to revise them over and over again. Studying the brain makes me revisit memories, scars, I guess that you could say. It makes me remember things that I try my hardest not to think about. It pulls at my heart and pushes me over, and it breaks me. I’m trying not to let it break me. This is science, and it doesn’t have to involve looking back at the things that hurt me, but it does. I just can’t help it.

Leavers dinner, afternoon’s in coffee shops, summer drives, tears, late nights, fear, worry, love, pain, friendship.

It hurts. I’m trying not to cry. I have to take an exam on this. I have another three weeks of revision to get through before that exam. But memories are impairing my revision, and I need someone so badly to come and hold me and tell me that I don’t need to worry about the past. I want to be safe, and I want everyone else to be safe. But nobody is ever really safe. Everyone is haunted by their past, scars never go away, mental illness doesn’t go away, and it makes me fear for so many people in my life.

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Someone Else’s Island

Of course, if I knew that my best friend was going to be stuck on a desert island, I’d send her with things that would keep her alive until I could come and get her. That’s common sense, right? No, you’re wrong. I wouldn’t need to send her with a tent, a torch, food, water, and a knife. She’s a scout, and an ex cadet. I’d imagine that she’d be pretty good at fending for herself in the wild. Besides, fire is MUCH more fun than a torch, isn’t it? And a heck of a lot more useful, too!

So, I wouldn’t be that person, I wouldn’t send her with the ‘essentials for life’. I’d want her to survive until I could rescue her, of course, but she’s smart and she’s tough, and I’m pretty sure she’d manage just fine without those things.

First, I’d make sure that she had a Polaroid camera and a scrapbook. Going to a desert island is something that you’re only ever going to do once, so you may as well make the most of it, right? And besides, being the clever little bean that she is, she’d probably discover something new and exciting while she was there, and become famous when she returned home. That only works, of course, if you can document your discovery.

Next, a piano. Music keeps us sane in the darkest times, and it’s beautiful. Music would help her when times got tough, and would mean that she wouldn’t loose touch with the world back home, or forget the people that she’d left behind.

Thirdly, a locket containing special magic to keep her safe. I can’t say exactly what this locket would contain, yet, because that’s a secret that as a mere human, I cannot know. But everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes, we get into trouble. If for some reason, you started to drown, or a beast came after you, you’d have the locket. It would provide one escape, and one more chance. Everyone deserves a second chance, and everyone has someone out there that needs them, no matter how dark things may seem.

Not forgetting, suncream. I’m sorry mate, but you’re one of those people. No matter how hard you try, you’re going to get burnt without it!

Finally, but certainly not least, I’d like to go with her. For starters, you’d go pretty insane alone on an island, with nobody to speak to, or ask for advice. Whilst I’m sure it would be good for both of us to escape the real world and the pain that goes with it, and live on opposite coasts for a few days, I’d like to be able to treck through the jungle after a week or so, and say ‘hi, I’m here’. I’d want her to have someone to turn to, someone who she could trust, someone to love her, and someone to talk to. I wouldn’t want her to be left with her own mind, because I fear that it could hurt her. Most of all though, I’d want us to share the adventure, share the fun, share the memories, and make sure that we had some really cool stories to tell our grand kids!

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This was a response to the daily post.

On Bees and Effs

I have a best friend. And I had a best friend, too. ‘Believing in a best friend’, though? I’m not sure that’s possible.

At Primary School, I had a best friend. I had other friends too though, and I got on with other kids, but my best friend was the one I would always choose to take on a day out or tell my secrets to.

Now, it’s different. You don’t choose your friendships, you fall into them. I fell into the friendship with the girl that I now call my ‘best friend’, but I didn’t believe it would happen. That’s just how it did happen. Again, I’ve still got other friends, and I didn’t even choose this friendship really, but I’d never change it, not for the world.

This is a response to the daily prompt.

Living. Laughing. Loving.

alex122rw

Gone With The Windfall

So, I’ve just been told that I’ve inherited £1,000,000. What am I going to do with it? Of course, that hasn’t ACTUALLY happened (I wish!), but I’m going to tell you exactly what I’d do with it anyway. Of course, not all of these are entirely realistic, but since it’s an unrealistic situation anyway, I may as well reveal all my dreams.

First of all, I’d give some to charity.
£1000 to my Rainbow Unit because they’re a fantastic unit that I’ve been helping at for four years, and I was a Rainbow there too.
£1000 to my Guide Unit that I’ve been attending, and now leading at since I was ten.
£1000 to my Guiding County in the hope that they’d use it to help those in need, and bring the same amazing opportunities that I’ve had to others.
£1000 to ATE Superweeks, so they can make more children learn and grow in confidence, just like I did as a kid.

Then, I’d go and spend a month on a remote island to contemplate and think. I’d figure out my plans, and my life. Perhaps I’d take someone with me to get me through the tough times and keep me sane, or maybe I’d go it alone. I’m not sure. Can you put a price on that? £5000?

I’d buy myself a house to ensure that I had a stable future. £300,000.

I’d give my parents some money towards building themselves a house. £200,000.

I’d pay for a top two week family skiing holiday over christmas, and for my parents to spend some time in the sun. About £20,000?

I’d take my best friend travelling. We would cross a tonne off our bucket lists, and visit India, Australia, the amazon, and see the northern lights. We’d stay up late and laugh the night away. We’d trek through the rainforest and go deep sea diving. We’d sit on a beach and watch the sunset, and camp on a mountain to watch the sunrise. We’d be happy, we’d have fun. Another £10,000?

I’d somehow subscribe to a lifetime supply of creme eggs. One creme egg a week for the next seventy years. That’s about £11,000.

Of course, I’d save some money to pay for travel to go and see my best friend once every couple of months during her six year uni course. £11,000 again.

I’d build a secret room deep underground, that only I knew about. When things got hard, I could escape there and be completely alone. I could be myself. I could cry, I could laugh, and I could contemplate, and nobody would need to know.
I’m not sure you can price that. £15,000?

I’d build a glass house in the hills in Switzerland so that one by one, I could take the people most special to me to share a night under the stars. I’m not naming who I’d take first, but no prizes for guessing. £14,000. And of course £10,000 for flights and maintenance. Wouldn’t want to be disorganised, would we?

The remaining £400,000, I’m not sure what I’d do with it. For now, I’ll save it and invest it. Maybe one day I’ll come back to this post and figure out all my other weird and wonderful dreamworld ideas.

It’s been a while, but once again, this was a response to a daily prompt.

Living. Laughing. Loving.

alex122rw

Make Me Smile

Today’s prompt is called ‘Make Me Smile’. There are many things that make me smile, that cheer me up when I’m struggling, or having a bad day.

My Rainbows. Sounds bizarre out of context, but Rainbows are the youngest section of Girlguiding, and are aged 5-7. They’re super cute, and a hug, a playground story, and songs about fishes and penguins are sure to cheer me up every single week.

Flute. My flute lesson each week can start off badly, and occasionally ends badly, but 90% of the time, I come out with a big smile on my face, feeling relaxed and happy.

Haribo. No explanation required.

Chai. Best served in cafe nero with a friend and a good chat!

But most of all, the thing that really makes me smile is this…
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When my best friend greets me with ‘Hey, I’ve got a present for you!’

Living. Laughing. Loving.

alex122rw

Born To Be With You

I have a friend that I can laugh with. A friend who makes me smile. I have a friend who buys me creme eggs and gold bars because she’s cute like that. Someone who I have shared countless beautiful days with.

I have a friend that I used to be scared of. A friend who is clever, I used to be so intimidated. I have a friend who is going to be a doctor. Someone who when I first met her six years ago, I went home and said ‘Mum, there is this girl, and she is just so good at everything. And I couldn’t play the scale she wanted me to play but she said it was easy and I must be stupid!’.

I have a friend who picks me up when I am down. Who takes my hand when I’m afraid. I have a friend who holds me and talks to me when I just don’t think I can do it anymore. Someone who helps me fight my demons.

I have a friend who has had a difficult past. A friend that puts on a brave face. I have a friend who is fighting a constant battle with herself. Someone who is fighting her own demons, every single day.

I have a friend that I’ve known for three years. We spoke when we were put in a group together for a science project. I have a friend who I began to learn about on French Exchange three years ago, when she made me draw graphs at 5am in the morning. Someone who seemed like a stranger.

I have a friend who I’ve only really known for a few months. She is just starting to let me in. I have a friend who sends truths as late night text messages. Someone who really is still a stranger now.

And those six friends? Yes, they’re one person. I’ve wound her up, I’ve pushed the boundaries of friendship. But so has she. And it has made us stronger. We’ve shared so many special times. I am a firm believer that friendship is what keeps us alive, and recently, I think we’ve proven that to the max.

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I’m having to accept that she’s never ever going to let me help her, this friend. It’s the most difficult and painful thing that I’ve ever been asked to do. I think she knows. I think she knows how hard it is, and like me, she knows what might happen if she lets people in. The past tells us that trust is a very powerful and dangerous thing, and we must be careful who we trust. All I want is to make it better for her, and I know how hard it is to accept the truth, but I wish she’d try.

I have a friend who promises to never leave me. Who says that no matter what I do, she’ll still be here. I have a friend who makes me smile and makes me cry all at the same time. Someone who I am just beginning to believe. I really don’t think you’ll ever go, even when it is telling me otherwise. I won’t ever leave you either. I couldn’t.

I genuinely think that I was born to be with you. It’s time to get strong again. It’s time to smile.

This post is inspired by the daily prompt – I’ve cheated a little though. This prompt is from 28/3, but I only just found it and it seemed so important and relevant to the last few days.

Living. Laughing. Loving.

alex122rw

If I Could Turn Back Time

Today, I discovered the daily prompt. It’s not going to be something that I start using every day, but for days like today when I just need to post, I think it’ll be a great feature for me. I’m a person who blogs to let out emotions, relieve my stress, and escape from the world for a bit. Today, I’ve done my work, my dinner isn’t ready, and I just need to let off some steam. The daily prompt will be useful in times like these.

So, what would I do if I could turn back time?

Firstly, I’d go back to some happy memories. I’d revisit the three days that I spent in London with my best friend back in February. I’d whizz back to that time in a coffee shop when my flute teacher rang and said the words ‘Alex, you got a merit in your grade seven flute’. I’d zip back to my Guiding memories of Denmark and Charnwood. I’d flash back to my Primary School days. And I’d go back to a time when I was less stressed, less worried, and my best friend and I went for coffee and smiled. To a time before we really knew each other.

But would I really change the bad times? Those times that my friend has provided a shoulder to cry on? The times I’ve gotten emotional as she’s told me about her past? The time she got hypothermia on Duke of Edinburgh? No, I wouldn’t.

What about the other bad times? The times she wasn’t there for? When I got a D in a Chemistry exam? The day my dad told me that my grandad had died? I don’t think I’d change those either.

My past has shaped me into who I am today. The ups, the downs, the highs, the lows.

They’ve made me a better person.

Living. Laughing. Loving.

alex122rw