An unexpected friendship

I made a friend. I made my first proper friend since I was 16. I can’t believe it. I was getting to the point where I wasn’t even sure if it was possible for me to make a real, actual friend. But I think I have!

Of course, I’ve got many ‘friends’. People who I like to hang around with, people to talk to, people to do things with. But there’s really not very many people in this world who I trust, and when I find someone who I can trust, I consider it to be very special.

I’ve made a friend this year who makes me laugh, makes me want to get out of bed to eat breakfast with her in the morning, and who I trust. She doesn’t freak out when I have a minor essay stress, and we drive to Tesco to buy pudding at 10pm on a weeknight. It’s great fun!

She’s starting to trust me too, as I’m starting to trust her, and that’s a little scary. To me, trust is the main constitution of a true friendship. But I’m not going to complain about a new friend! I’m super happy! I can’t wait for her to come back to our house tomorrow!

Here’s to 5 more months of laughter before we no longer live together. I’m excited, and a blossoming new friendship makes me feel like I’ve achieved something, and makes me destinctly more positive about life when things feel like they should make me want to hide in the dark. It’s always good to know you’ve got more than one person to lean on, and it’s good to know that at least one of them isn’t thousands of miles away!

Forgotten How to Cry

I’ve forgotten how to cry. I want and need to cry so much that it is physically hurting that I can’t. But it doesn’t help, and the tears still won’t fall.

I’ve had a stressful, busy and tiring week, and I have a stressful weekend of essay writing ahead. I hurt. I ache. I have had fun this week but when I’m overtired, reality has a tendency to come crashing down and smack me in the face, and I need a little support to ride through that.

But I’m at a loss of who to turn to. Nobody has asked ‘hey, are you okay?’ and so the stinging in my eyes gets stronger, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I just need somebody to hug me tight, tell me it’ll be okay, and let me cry.

If I wanted to be really needy, I would want that to be a very specific person. But I can’t have that person, she’s too far away and much too busy. I’d take anyone right now, I just want to let go.

Please talk to me, hug me. I’m afraid what might happen if you don’t.

The Thing I Was Most Afraid to Loose

Sometimes asking for help can be harder than accepting the truth.

You can accept that all is not okay, but you’re too afraid of that truth to talk, to tell anyone. You can’t even tell those who mean the most of you. You try. Sort of. There’s always an escape though, and it’s not until night time strikes again that you remember the game you’re playing.

Your days are filled with laughter, but your nights are filed with fear of the truth, and the terrors of your past start to haunt you. You don’t know why.

The last few months have been fantastic. Absolutely brilliant, I’ve been surviving better than ever before! Recently though, I have a constant pit of fear in my stomach, but that feeling makes me so uneasy that I daren’t tell anyone.

I’m okay, I’m having a fantastic time, I really am! But sometimes this feeling swallows me, and I’m afraid. I want to cry, but I just can’t. I can’t cry, I can’t speak, and there’s nobody to trust, and nobody to hug. I just sit at the back of the cave, and be.

I am a person who needs love, and who thrives on love and care. I’m also a person who needs people to care about. Sometimes, those two things, separately or combined, do me harm, but I need them. And sometimes they do more good than I could ever imagine.

Regardless, without them, I am lost. Without care and love and someone to trust, I am broken. My days can be the best days of my life, but without someone to hold me when I trip and fall, life is terrifying. The demons make me feel sick. The days are good – I laugh, I smile, I work hard, I’m focussed… But a part of me needs to care, needs to listen, needs to talk, and needs to hug. I don’t have that any more, and that was the thing I was always most afraid to loose. I’ve been so happy I didn’t realise, but there’s nobody there to listen anymore.

I don’t want to break. I won’t allow myself to break. This life is too good to ruin.

But the security of a hug could change everything some times, even if that is a hug is a hello, a moment of laughter, or the sharing of excitement. It doesn’t have to be an unhappy tearful hug. It just has to show safety.

Security is everything, but I feel like that security has run away, and now I’m too scared to chase it down in case I can’t find it again.

Funny Feeling

I’m having a funny afternoon. I think I’m just extremely overtired, the blister on my foot is excruciating, and it’s playing havoc with my emotions a little. I’ve had funny afternoons before, lots of them, and lots worse ones than this, but it doesn’t make it any less weird and surprising to find myself on the verge of tears for no logical reason.

I have asked my friend, several times over the last few days, ‘Are you okay?’ She looks confused every time. ‘Of course’ – but what I really want her to say is ‘Yes, are you?’. While I would probably say ‘Yes, fine,’ (despite it not being completely true) it may just make me feel a little less strange and a little less isolated.

I know it’s bizzare, but like I just said, I’m having a funny afternoon. I’m having one of those days where I just want someone to hug me without reason, or to say something, or talk about something which is truly interesting to me. To engage with me, a way where I can choose to either be content with listening and feel comforted, or over-animatedly talk back.

I don’t know if I want silence and being alone, chatter, or hugs and calm. I’m extremely tired, so I’m hoping a nap will help, because while I know I am definitely more okay now, and have been more okay this last year than I have been in a long time, it’s still scary. I have no reasons to be achey and to feel this need to hide. There’s no reason why I need someone to hug me right now, except I feel weird. There’s no real stories to tell or tears to shed, but slipping into this weird feeling of emptiness still worries me, and reminds me of a time much more gross and stomach-churning than the present.

Contented

I feel easy, free, happy, warm and fuzzy. I’m content, and it’s beautiful. I always feel awesome after time with my best friend, it’s like a complete detox from the world. I think her awesome-ness just rubs off on me a little, and it makes me feel all glowing inside. I absolutely love it.

Despite an afternoon of a nagging brother, a very stressful day ahead tomorrow, and feeling very tired, I’m coping well with the world. I’m noticing little things today. I’m appreciating the little things, and I’m taking the time to float around on my little happy cloud and to just be. No expectations, no anxiety, just being.

I did a good deed today. I went to the supermarket, and as I walked from the far end of the car park, I watched the people climbing into and out of their cars, busying themselves and going about their day. Being such an introvert, I love to people watch. It helps me to figure out the world and to learn a little about people, to try and understand people, and what makes us who we are. To understand what makes my best friend so caring, and some other people so disgusting. Sadly, it’s something I don’t often get time to do. I lead a busy life. But today, on my happy cloud, I found time. I noticed, whilst walking through the supermarket carpark, two ladies. One, elderly and struggling to walk, and the second presumably her daughter. They’d just loaded the shopping into the car and whilst the older woman struggled to climb into the back seat, the younger one was trying to negotiate two trolleys into some kind of organised form so she could transport them back. ‘Hey,’ I said ‘Would you like me to take those for you?’ She was speechless. I took them, and as I walked away I heard them discussing how nice it was. That made me smile, that I could make someone else happy, and just prove to one more person that not all teenagers are the same. We’re not all the stereotype.

Colder Weather by Zac Brown Band. I’ve fallen in love. It’s not the only thing I’ve fallen in love with this week – look at this, it’s not surprising that I’m chilled!

 

But my best friend is awesome. Nobody else on earth makes me feel this good about myself. She’s looked after me again, and taught me that people will always care about me. She’s reinforced my ‘okay-ness’ and I can’t thank her enough. She’s a shining star, that girl, I only wish she could see it.

I owe her a thank you. Her, and her flat mates. They made my time full of laughter, and made me content that I can socialise if I try. The world is fairly safe.

In my content-ness and warmth, I’ve been thinking. Thinking about supporting myself through the enevitable stress of second year; and also trying a variation of something I saw online. Every week, I’m going to challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone. Idea for challenges are needed, I’m going to write the list best week and I only have two or three things so far! Sometimes that’s going to terrify me and there’s weeks when I’m sure the task won’t end well, but even from 500 miles away, my best friend stands by my side.

And I’ll stand by her. Forever and always.

Let’s Go Fly A Kite

Today is national kite flying day, apparently. I think it’s more of an American thing, and I also don’t think it’s a very well known celebration, but it’s kite flying day all the same, so I should probably talk about kites.

Flying a kite isn’t an easy task. It can take years to build the perfect kite and to master flying it so it soars through the air with grace, like a ballerina. It’s even harder to harness that power to pull a buggy, or to hoist a person into the air behind a boat (the latter of which I am very lucky to have had the chance to do).

Sometimes, friendship is a lot like a kite. Letting go and allowing distance to come between you can be difficult. Saying goodbye can be hard, because you don’t know what’s going to happen when they’re so far in the air. To let go of their hand is hard, because you don’t know if they’ll fall, if you’ll get tangled into a tree, or if the wind will break the line and take them away forever.

But a good kite flies well. Whilst you maybe a little nervous to set the line running, a good kite looks beautiful in the sky, and dances with grace. A good kite has all that it needs to soar through the air to the delight of the person flying it. A good kite has pretty colours, and was often hand built with love and care by the flyer. They love that kite, and so they made sure that the string was strong so it could not be lost. A good kite flips peacefully back into the arms of it’s owner when the wind dies down. Yes, there may be a bent pole or a little fraying at the edges, but it’s nothing that isn’t easily fixed.

Eventually, we must all learn to fly alone, just like the kite. We must learn to let go of our friends, and to let them soar, too. A kite that takes years to build is still no fun if it never leaves the house. One day, they will fall, and when they do, we will be there to catch them, as they will be there to catch us. But while the wind is strong, and you have the chance, soar through the sky together, at a distance, and relish the beautiful view. Appreciate the rolling hills and the blue sky. Let the wind take you, and let go of their hand for a while. You might find that you both learn, and that when you come crashing to the ground, you appreciate each other more than ever before.

Everyone has to learn to fly. For some, it can take years, but we will get there, so long as we have a crafted kite maker to help us along the way, and treat us with care. And when we do fly, it’s beautiful, and it’s something that we don’t ever want to forget.

Second Marriage

Yesterday, my best friend’s mum got married to the man that I have always called my best friend’s step dad. I think for a long time, I didn’t realise that they weren’t married. It seems to make sense to me.

I wasn’t at the wedding. Heck, I’d never expect to be, are you crazy!? But while I’m very happy for them, and I hope they enjoyed their day so much, it’s left me a bit lost, and my emotions are up in the air. Seeing her snapchats throughout the day, I don’t quite know what to make of it all. No, I’m not jealous. No, I’m not angry. I already told you that I was happy for them. You forget that I’m not five, and my emotions just aren’t as simple as that!

You see, I think I’m the child of a second marriage. I don’t know that for sure, because my parents have never told me so. But I am. If I really think about it, I know I am. But I’m pretty good at hiding from it, because I don’t like to think that my parents lie to me. It’s not something that I think about.

But seeing and hearing of a second marriage has been enough to trigger those thoughts. To trigger the memory of the day I found the evidence, and to trigger that uneasy feeling that my parents haven’t told me the truth for my whole life.

And that’s a little tricky to think about, because it’s a concept that my brain cannot comprehend, and rejects. It’s a bizarre concept, and I don’t know how I feel about it. I want my parents words to be the truth, but I’ve seen with my own eyes that they are not. I’ve tried to think of every possible explanation for what I found, but there simply isn’t another, and that’s a bit weird.

And the more I think about it, the sillier I think I am. So what if I’m the child of a second marriage? I still know who my mum and dad are, and that’s more than many people in this world.

But I guess that I just don’t like the lies. What if I have a sister or a brother that I will never get to meet? That’s a very sad thought, because families are supposed to be happy, no matter how disjointed they can seem at times.

But I guess that I’ll have to accept that I will never know. Because I’m never going to look again where I looked before. But I want to know. I think I do, anyway. But I’m not sure, really. It’s something that I’d never thought about before. I’d just blocked it out, until the subject of marriage came up again.

And now it’s all over, I hope that I can go back to my world of pretend once more.