It’s All Over

So, Christmas Day is over, the fun and festivities have gone. We’ve opened presents, we’ve drank champagne and eaten far too much food. We’ve played games, watched awful TV, and fallen asleep on the sofa. I don’t feel as happy as I know that I should though, and it’s beginning to grind on me. A lot. An awful, awful lot.

I’ve had some lovely things. A pandora charm, a candle making kit, perfume, chocolate, and alcohol. No, of course I’m not complaining! In fact, I’m extremely pleased, and surprised. I’ve been well and truly spoilt.

Unfortunately though, there was a couple of things that ruined yesterday. I felt fairly sick all day, and slept awfully on Christmas Eve. Although I stomached all four courses of Christmas dinner, I couldn’t move afterwards and I kept getting a completely overwhelming feeling that I needed to cry from the pain and sickness (top tip, deep breathing). That sucks, because nobody wants to be ill on Christmas Day, do they!? And on top of that, as the night drew in, I forgot how to enjoy myself, my brain overcrowded by feelings of failure and dread. My first exam is in twenty days, and I’ve not been revising hard enough. I don’t know enough, and at this rate, I’m not going to do well enough. I’m supposed to be going out with my family today, but then I’ve got to go to London all weekend, and I know that by Monday I probably won’t be able to cope if I haven’t done any revision. It’s crazy.

On top of that, all I want to do is say Merry Christmas to one person. I can’t text or call her as she’s currently abroad, and while the first Facebook message was seen (but she never replied), subsequent ones haven’t even been delivered, even though she’s been active several times since I sent it. I’m trying not to be ridiculous, but my brain is slowly beginning to think that I’ve done something wrong. She doesn’t have to reply. She doesn’t have to read it. Facebook is allowed to muck up so it doesn’t deliver. But my brain doesn’t work like that, does it? All I want is to say two little words…

Merry Christmas. And Happy Boxing Day. I’m still deciding if I should enjoy family time, or revise. The dilemma is huge, and seriously, it’s killing me. It may not seem like much, but it really really is.

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Contented

Today was always going to be hectic. I bag packed for four hours this morning, and had a flute lesson straight afterwards. I was met at my flute teacher’s house by a friend, and we went for a very rushed coffee. It’s been a day involving a lot of standing up, forced smiles, and encouraging words for the small people in yellow who I was helping at the supermarket. It was a little awkward, and I’ve been feeling a little emotional as of late. I knew the leader at bag packing is having a hard time, she told me twice today that I was awesome and someone to be relied on, and when I said goodbye, she said she would miss me. I really wanted to give her a hug and say thank you, but even though I’m eighteen now, I didn’t feel like I could. A similar thing happened when I left my flute teacher’s house. It was a little strange. My flute teacher knows most of my life happenings, but it’s just one step too far.

Of course, as is with everything right now, my best friend *cough, we’re retitling her ‘big sister’, asap* changed things. You may remember that back in March, I wrotethis post about lighting a candle in the church with my best friend. Tonight, we went and did that again. This time, we lit two candles each in the church. I don’t know what her two candles were for, and she doesn’t know what mine were for. I’d tell her if she asked, but there wasn’t a chance. I don’t know what it was that made tonight feel any different from any other time that she’s comforted me when I’m having a tough time, but today just was really special. I could see it in her eyes that she really meant everything that she said, and that every hug she gave me, when she held my hand, or gently touched my arm, it was about love, friendship, and nothing else. In a strange way, it kind of upset me more. She wasn’t doing it because she had to, she was doing it because she cared. She essentially had to carry me out of that church, and walk me back to the car with her arm around me and my head resting on her shoulders, whispering comforting words once more. She’s given me her ring again, the one that says ‘believe’. She’s told me to keep it until January. It’s one month until I see her again. It’s going to be a loooong month, and there’s going to be battles to fight. But I’ll do it, and then I get three whole days of her time, and that’s so exciting!

I’m lying on my bed now, my eyes still stinging from the tears, but I’m strangely content. I let music back into my life today, and a couple of days ago, I let my best friend back into my head, too. And breathe. I’m safe now. She tells me it’ll be okay, and that she’s always here for me. We may fight, but we’re essentially family, so it doesn’t change anything. I believe her. Christmas is a time for belief, and a time to be content.

Saying Goodbye and Heading Home

I said my goodbyes, and one by one I moved around the flats, hugging each person in turn. The last person to say goodbye to was the girl who at the start of semester, I adored, and I thought that we’d go on to be really good friends. Recently, she’s not been talking to me, and it has knocked me down a lot. I must have done something wrong, and I was gutted. This girl had my name for Secret Santa though, and she bought me the cutest and most thoughtful present. That’s weird, talk about mixed messages! Last night, I decided that instead of sitting alone, I should join in with the group games. I did, and it was the best night of the semester! Later on, after smiling and laughing all night, I dropped her a text, to apologise for being antisocial as of recent, some bad things had happened, and I’d really enjoyed the evening. She text back the cutest reply, and I was smiling once again. I still think her actions have been very odd, but then, maybe mine have a little too, and regardless of the situation, I still think she’s very trustworthy. So, today, when I said my goodbyes I turned to hug her, but first, I smiled. She smiled back, and pulled me into a hug that was just a little bit tighter than all the others, and very quickly and discretely rubbed my back. ‘Thank you’, I whispered. ‘Make sure you have a fantastic Christmas’, she replied. It’s strange, and I probably shouldn’t see it as positive, and it’s me probably being just a little too hopeful, but it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I’ve said my goodbyes, we had a floor Christmas dinner, society parties, and a Thursday night out for someone’s birthday. Now, I’ve climbed onto the train home, and I’m very very excited. Surprisingly, I’m a little sad to be leaving the university, even though I’ve never really felt like I fit in. The feeling is mixed however, with the fact that I’ll be going home, I’m seeing my family, I’m helping at Rainbows, I’m visiting Rangers and school, I’m meeting my best friend for coffee and my other friends for dinner. There’s good food, Christmas cheer, and revision to look forward to.

I’m feeling very very content, and it’s beautiful. I won’t work on this journey, but I will smile, and live with the knowledge that in three hours, I’ll be home again.

Logic, Spirals and a Christmas Party

Sometimes, even I question my brain’s logic. I mean, that shouldn’t be even possible! How can my own brain question a thought that it came up with?! But it does. And that’s the point when you realise that your thought process is messed up.

Tonight, I’m going to a Christmas party. Of course, party means alcohol, and it also means people that I’ve never drunk with before. I haven’t been out in weeks, and so in excited to go, but at the same time, I’m worried because I don’t get drunk. But I want to get drunk. But I don’t really because I’m afraid. So there, that’s dilemma one.

We’ve not decided if we’re going to a club after the meal and disco, which means I can’t decide how much I’m going to drink, which scares me because I don’t feel in control. Dilemma two.

Of course, that therefore means that I’m confused and worried about how I’m going to handle it and what I’m going to do. Dilemma three.

Leavers is on my mind, because this event is going to run in a VERY similar fashion to the way that event should have run. Just thinking about leavers makes me upset. Dilemma four.

The crazy thing is, I know that deep down, because I’m worried, I’m more likely to get myself into a mess and call my best friend. If I went into tonight with a positive attitude and excitement, I’d probably enjoy myself and get through the night no problem. That’s dilemma five then. And I can solve that by being excited, but I can’t be excited because of the first four issues. See, it’s spirals again. A lot of things are spiralling by now, and I know that they’re very very dangerous.

It should be easy though, because I know that this time, I have no choice. Even if I end up crying on the floor in an alleyway at 4am, with all my friends having abandoned me, I can’t call her. She has her first exam tomorrow morning, and I’m not going to be the friend that does that to her.

Alcohol shouldn’t be this scary, but it really really is. I’m sure one day, it’ll be okay, but without my safety net, I’m really tempted to just call ill tonight, and waste the £25 I’ve already paid.

I wanna go home

Don’t get me wrong, I like Uni. I enjoy Uni, I absolutely adore the subject that I’ve chosen, and I’m getting on okay. Of course there’s hurdles, but one by one, I’m jumping over them, and I’d begun to feel like this was home. To be honest, for most of the year, it is home.

With one week until the Christmas holidays begin however, I just don’t want to be here anymore. Hormonal pill-related emotions, plus revision, plus my first uni exams after the holidays, plus all the little hurdles I’m still facing here just means that actually, I don’t want to be here. I want to be back home, ASAP.

I miss my family, and I miss my friends. The christmas concert got me thinking about school, and all the little things that I miss about being a sixth former. I’m struggling to comprehend any coherent thought because everything is just a mess of feeling. I thought writing would help, but clearly, it’s not, I know this will be a confusing, and probably boring mess for you lot, too. I need to revise, and I’ve been getting on really well, but I’m struggling today. I’m fighting back tears, and it’s all getting a little too much.

Please let me go home. Come on Christmas, hurry up! Missing everyone is really hurting now, there’s so much to say and do!

Excited

I may be holding out for all sorts of reasons. My brain may feel a little dark, and I may be wanting Christmas so that you can help me push the darkness away, but I’m happy, too. I’m very very excited for Christmas. I’m excited to see my dysfunctional and crazy friendship group, I’m excited to spend time with my family, to wrap presents, and make cheesecake. I’m even excited to run through train stations and make the long treck home with a chai in my hand. I’m excited to take time to start reading books again, and I’m looking forward to being able to revise in peace and sleep in my own bed.

Yes, I’m hoping that you’ll help me escape the darkness, but that’s not really why I want to see you. Mm, I want to check that you’re okay, too, and that uni hasn’t taken the real you away. Yes, I want you to teach me Henderson Hasslebach, and talk about stupid ‘boring’ topics like absorption of paracetamol. But they’re not the reasons that I want to go home. I’m counting down the time until I go home, because I’m excited to spend time with you. I’ve missed you, and I’m excited to hear your voice, to laugh, to smile, and to gossip. I’m excited for all the good reasons, not the gloomy ones! That in itself is an exciting prospect, when sadly our friendship has been full of pain. I’m excited to see you smile, and to drink chai and genuinely take some time out to have fun.

And that’s why everyone here thinks I’m crazy. That’s why every few hours I give an update on what I’ll be doing this time in X days. Because I’m really really happy to be having three weeks at home, and not only to do all the Christmassy things, but to have an amazing time with you. It’s rather alien, but I’m loving my little high, and the closer it gets, the more of me switches from tired to wide awake. Come on, pleeeeeeeeeeease let’s go for coffee already. Please let’s make 450 miles into 10 miles. Share some Christmas cheer, and be REALLY REALLY SMILEY 🙂