Distracted

I’m glad that he’s going to email me those links. I’ve just had my training for my new ‘job’, but I didn’t really concentrate. I’m not sure what it was, but I’ve narrowed it down to a few options.

a) I’m shattered and haven’t recovered from the weekend yet.

b) I was still trying to digest what the lecturer had said in the lecture I’d just been in. He went to fast.

c) I was thinking about my best friend and her exam and how she’d coped (I soooo want to text her but I daren’t)

d) The guy taking the training was really quite attractive. Perhaps he had too much of my attention aside from what he was saying. One for a girly gossip right there!

e) I’m having a panic because I’m miles behind on my uni work.

I’m not sure, but I’m in a muddle. I’ve been back for an hour and still haven’t done any work. I really cannot afford to write off today on the work front as well. The doubt is creeping in again. And when I’m behind, I don’t want to face the reality of the situation.

Come on, keep going, it’ll be okay. Someone special says that if it’s not okay then it’s not the end. It’s about time you started listening to them.

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Stopping the tears.

It was only yesterday that I said goodbye, but life without my best friend already feels very lonely. I’m going to miss her, I’m a tiny weeny little worried she might forget about me, but most of all, I’m so very concerned about her state of mental health, and what’s going to happen while she’s away with regards to food.

The emotional roller coaster that I’m currently riding on isn’t what I expected. I feel a bit like I’m floating on a cloud, ignoring absolutely anything that I’m feeling for fear of the emotional response. This morning, I collapsed into a heap and cried for a long time. Giving blood without her wasn’t right, but I soon distracted myself and recovered. This afternoon, I packed like crazy. Now she’s gone, I’m ready to go too. What am I waiting for? As soon as I felt myself dipping, I ran to the shops. I’m lying in my bed now, having just looked at some old pictures, and I’m ready to cry again. I won’t let myself though. Crying is bad for us.

I guess that I cannot wallow in my own sadness forever though, and I must pick myself up. On Sunday, I’ve got a sea of girls dressed in yellow – yes, Brownies, of course! – to keep me entertained, and I hope that will mean that the sleep I have on Sunday night is easier than what I am bound to get tonight and tomorrow.

As for next week, I’m going for a couple of coffees, with a friend and my flute teacher. I’ve got a camp out with my ‘other friends’, Rainbows, Rangers, and a first aid course.

I know this much, though. I need to be busy, or else I risk drowning in my sorrows and fear. Deep down, I’m sad to see her leave, I’m distraught that she’s not there for a hug, I’m afraid about how she will cope with the independence, I’m afraid how I will cope. I’m sad that I won’t see her at Christmas, but I’m excited for the visit she’s promised at Easter. I’m happy that she liked the things that I gave her, I’m laughing at all our memories, and I’m so looking forward to the FaceTime that has been promised tomorrow so she can show me her room. I’m looking forward to writing and receiving letters, but really, deep down, I’m going to miss her a lot. I’m going to miss her more than I probably should, and you know what, that’s hard for me. It’s hard not to see her, but it’s also a stark reality check for me about how uncontrollable my emotions are right now.

I feel like perhaps tomorrow, I might have something more coherent to say. For now though, goodnight. Sweet dreams, and all I ask is that when you look up at the sky tonight, you think about your best friend, too.

Living. Laughing. Loving.

alex122rw

It doesn’t matter how hard you wish!

You can hope that it never comes, or you can pray that it will come faster, but it doesn’t matter. Tomorrow is always just around the corner, and it will always come. The hours will always pass, and soon, you will find that tomorrow has become today.

I was really worried about today, but at the same time, I awaited it with anticipation. I was waiting for an email, which I was expecting to come today. Low and behold, it arrived in my inbox just after five, while I was babysitting.

Bizarrely, it didn’t cause the panic reaction that I had been expecting. I was happily bouncing on the trampoline, I heard the bleep, checked the name, put it back in my pocket, and carried on. Although my heart rate increased significantly for the remaining hour and a half of my stay, the panic was nowhere near the level that it has been over the past few days. At seven, I ran to my car, took a deep breath, and started to read.

There’s no point in worrying about what tomorrow might bring, because you’ve got to live for today. Tomorrow is a new day, and we cannot make predictions about what tomorrow might bring. Tomorrow always comes, so there’s no point in wishing it doesn’t. You may pray for sleep to overcome you so that the time seems shorter, or fight the wash of sleep in order to make time feel slower, but tomorrow still takes the same number of hours and seconds, regardless of how badly you want to see the light of dawn.

Living. Laughing. Loving.

alex122rw