After weeks of excitement, the closer it came, the more scary today seemed. In fact, when I got up this morning, I was bricking it. When we eventually hurried my bags to my room, it was back to excitement.
With a couple of the others I headed to the first talk, nervous, but determined to relax, keep talking, and make friends. Since then, I’ve met the six people in my flat and whilst seeing someone drink straight whiskey intimidated me a little, I was relieved to find that on the other end of the spectrum one of my flat mates doesn’t drink at all.
I’m having fun. I took it easy on the alcohol tonight to get used to my surroundings, but then the club was awkward. I was clock watching, and generally unhappy, not even remotely tipsy enough to enjoy being cramped up in a hot sweaty room.
The midnight coffee and cake made me smile, but now, as I lie in bed, I’m not really sure how I feel. I can hear the club below, and I know that’s the end of my sleep this year. I’m worrying about how my friends are getting on and when I’ll see them again, and I’m worried about how I’ll cope this year. I’m excited for what the next week will bring, and even though I feel like I’ve got some people that I ‘know’ now, the concept of freshers still terrifies me.
It’s all just mixed emotions. Massively jumbled, and I’m not sure how to feel.
A few face times tomorrow should set my head straight.
For now, as much sleep as I can get whilst ignoring the banging below.
Living. Laughing. Loving.
alex122rw
Coping Alone
There’s one person I want to talk to right now, but I can’t. When this kind of thing is going on, and I’m hearing the news I’m hearing, there’s only one person that I want to talk to. But my best friend is currently 380 miles away, and she’s only going to get further on Saturday when I go to Uni too. It’s not like the summer, or even A Levels, when day time is sacred but the nights can be filled with text messages, sleep is too important now. She’s officially a Uni student, and she doesn’t have time for late night conversations, even if she thinks she does. If she’s not sleeping, she’s working. Every single day at Uni counts, and there is no escaping that reality.
All I want is an email, a text, a phone call, something. Yes, I Face Timed her today but that was just nicey nicey catch up. I just want someone to ask if I’m okay, and to say they’re here to listen. Out of the blue, to ask ‘how are you doing?’ I can’t ask her to do that though, she’s busy becoming a doctor. I miss her so so much, and it doesn’t matter how badly I want to talk, I can’t ruin it for her again. I messed up badly enough the last year or two, I can’t make it go wrong for her again.
Someone said today that we were so close we were like sisters. I love that. I love that we can be that close and I don’t want to loose that but I don’t want to ruin uni and it’s all so hard to decide what to do.
I just want someone to talk to, someone who won’t let me down, and someone I can trust. I don’t want them to interrupt, I just want to talk it out, to let it out. I’m hearing and feeling so much and I’m struggling on my own. Sadly, there is only one person I can think of right now that fits that description, and I just can’t ask that of them. I could write an email, but the response is never the same. You don’t get advice as you go along, and the reassurance just isn’t quite right. I’m sure I’ll be okay though, everything is okay in the end.
Really though, I just want a hug. That, I definitely cannot have.
Living. Laughing. Loving.
alex122rw
Overdrive
There’s too many things to consider. Too much to worry about. Too many emotions to feel, and too many colours and shapes zooming around in my head.
Please sleep, take me soon. I’m begging you. Sleep is silent, sleep is peaceful, sleep is safe. The emotions that come with the darkness are daunting, but sleep allows us to escape them.
Living. Laughing. Loving.
alex122rw
treasurethememory 