Fear of the Unknown

I am afraid of the future. I’m excited, but at the same time, it absolutely terrifies me. In some ways, that makes it even more exciting though, and I love that recently I have learnt to embrace feeling scared and turn it into a positive. When I am overtired though, it doesn’t make the achey feeling in my stomach any easier to handle, knowing that nerves can be the same as excitement. Especially not when those nerves stem from the thought of another year of teaching being over in less than three weeks, and another exam season beginning. Especially not when the fear is due to moving again in September to a new location, starting a new job, meeting new people, and learning to cope again. Especially not when I am terrified of my family this summer, and if we will remain a family with the tensions caused by my brother in the house.

I don’t know what is happening. I can’t control the future, and there are some situations that I cannot meticulously plan for like I do in every other aspect of my life, and it makes me feel a bit sick. In fact, today, it has been making me feel extremely sick, hot, and queasy, despite supposedly being in a lab where I needed to be focused.

My thoughts are no longer thought’s, they’re simply inexplainable feelings that I cannot give names to. I don’t think about what it is that’s scaring me, I just feel afraid. I can’t control my feelings when I can’t name them or reason for them. I don’t like that very much, either.

To be honest, I’m not really scared of the future – that’s the exciting bit. I’m simply scared of the unknown. That is as far from exciting as you can get. That’s petrifying.


The Power of the Written Word

Yesterday, I received a lot of post. I’d ordered a laptop case, and another of my Uni textbooks arrived. My dad had crossed out his name on a parcel and written ‘Miss Alex’ in permanent marker, before putting it on my bed. In that was a couple of memory sticks and a hard drive that he’s bought me. My five donation blood donor card arrived, which was very exciting! Finally though, there was a letter. I recognised the handwriting immediately.

My best friend, who has now been at University for a week, had written to me. I expected a bit of twee ‘this is awesome and I miss you’ but for some reason, what she actually wrote hit me much harder than that. I don’t wish to share the details, I feel like then it might not be as special, but it made me smile, and then it made me cry. Half way through freshers, when I write her a reply, I’m going to struggle to top that!

I always forget the power of a letter, and the importance that can be found within it. When someone takes the time to write to you, it simply makes you feel valued. And that’s a lovely feeling.

Living. Laughing. Loving.


Bouncing Off The Walls

I’m on a happiness high right now, and I love it.

I stayed at my best friends house last night. We watched movies, we had coffee, we ate cookies and sweets and chocolate tart, we drank wine, and we laughed. We laughed more than we have done in a very long time. There were no tears, and it was fantastic.

Today, when going through the notes app on my iPad, I found a list from November 2013. It was a list of everything that my best friend had said in the few months before that which made me think that she had an eating disorder. I was trying to collect ‘evidence’ so that I could ask people for help, and eventually, tell someone. It felt really amazing to be able to delete that note whilst knowing that we’re still best friends.

Tomorrow, we’re going to WINGS, a Guide and Scout camp, to volunteer. I’m so very excited. It’s going to be awesome to spend a week together as one of the last times we will see each other before Uni. I had been so nervous before, never quite sure what would happen. Our friendship has so often been filled with tears and terror. Now though, I’m bouncing off the walls. I know that it’s going to be an awesome week (even if one mainly filled with Guide-Scout traitor debates – shes from the other side, you see). If it wasn’t for the fact that I’m ill, I don’t think I’d be able to sleep tonight.

Bring on tomorrow. Please, bring me tomorrow. I’m not sure that I can contain my excitement any more!

Living. Laughing. Loving.