A Busy Summer

It’s been a busy summer. A summer filled with a new job, lots of volunteering, fun, excitement, laughter, tears and memories. I’ve been tired, and I’ve worn myself out. Many times, this two month break since I wrote my last post hasn’t been from lacking the inclination, but simply just that sleep took priority. Other times though, I’ve needed to blog, but I simply could not find the words or the heart, like I was frozen, and I couldn’t allow my brain to write because then those things that were spinning in my brain would become true.

I’ve had many a sleepless night, just thinking and worrying. I’ve always been a worrier, and nothing will ever change that. I simply care too much to stop the worrying. People, places and memories just mean too much, and that makes me feel safe. I don’t really want to change. While worrying can be accompanied by fun and friendship, I have no need to change. This is who I am, and I don’t want to hide it anymore. At least, I don’t want to hide it from myself, everyone else is a different matter entirely.

This summer though, has been awesome. My job has pulled in a couple of hundred pounds a week. I’ve organised a camping trip as part of my Queen’s Guide, I helped at a Guide camp that was short of leaders, I volunteered at a county Guide day and took my Rainbows to a county day, I did my first week as a volunteer at a kids summer camp I used to adore, I spent copious amounts of time wth friends, I’ve caught up on my flute lessons and my grade eight is slowly drifting into sight. I’ve still got more fun to come! I’m running a meeting for my own Rainbows, I’m organising a fun day for 60 kids, and of course, I’m going to Scotland to see my best friend. I am beyond excited!

I’m a little nervous too though. I’m worried that I won’t be organised enough to get everything done. I’m afraid that in just over two week’s time when I go back to university, I won’t be ready. I’m worried that things will go wrong. But I have a million other worries too, about everyone else in my life. But I’m sure it’ll be okay, because everything works out okay in the end. I was less than 1% away from a 1st last year, and so just by working a tiny bit harder, I have the potential to achieve something that I want so badly.

And that positivity is new. I’ve never really been postive, but the fact that I’m learning to gives me hope, and hope is what keeps us alive.


I did it!

In a haze of sleep, stomach ache and glitter, I’m feeling rather happy with myself this morning.

Last night, I went out, I didn’t get overly drunk so I didn’t panic, and I enjoyed myself! I even attempted to help someone who was being sick! It was easily the best night of the semester and my first ever ‘proper’ night out. I was about on par with how I felt at my best friend’s eighteenth, and while anything would struggle to top that night, last night was pretty high up the ladder.

I didn’t panic. Wow. I danced. I didn’t cry. I had so much fun, and I’m so damn excited for January after exams are over now! My only disappointment was that the dominoes pizza we waited four hours for never arrived. But on the bright side, I don’t even really feel that bad this morning.

I’ve got a HUGE grin on my face though, and the knowledge that I’m going home tomorrow and I get a one and a half hour coffee with my best friend on Tuesday is honestly amazing. I’m so excited I can’t even put it into words.

I had a disgusting dream last night. I always have the worst ones when I’ve been drinking. Something to do with my best friend, shopping, laxatives, another weight loss item which I cannot remember, and a heck of a lot of tears. I meant a heck of a lot. And shouting and screaming, too. I’ve told myself though, on my own, that it’s not real and it’s not true and I’ll see her in five days and can assess it all for myself.

It’s going to be okay, I just have to keep riding this high!

Trusting You To Carry Me Home

Before I came to University, my flute teacher told me a story about how her now best friend was the first person she met at induction at university. They had to sit in a circle in alphabetical order, these two sat next to each other, they smiled, and now they’re best friends. I always thought it was crazy that things could happen like that, but the more I think about it, the more I reallise that actually, it could be possible.

I arrived at university just over a week ago, and my biggest worry at that point was making friends. After seven days of induction and seven nights of partying, suddenly, it doesn’t seem half as scary. Everyone you meet smiles, shakes your hand, and introduces themselves. It’s just so easy, you don’t have to ‘try’ and make friends, it just happens!

Another of my worries was alcohol, and tonight, when a girl who I’ve barely known for a week promised to get my drunk, it’s safe to say that I was shitting myself.

What my new flat mate did however, was the exact opposite of make me drunk, and for that I am so grateful. She let me watch her make up the drinks and okay their alcohol content, she didn’t pressure me into drinking lots at prees, and gave me shots in the tiny lid of the limoncello. When we headed out, she checked I was okay, and held my hand to guide a very dizzy me through the crowds. I entered the party on strict instruction to make sure I danced lots, and we had a fabulous time. Every time I looked like I was flagging, she checked I was okay, grabbed my hand, and we carried on dancing. Later, curled up in bed, I text her to say thank you, even if I didn’t quite get drunk, I’d had fun. She said that it’s about finding your limits, and soon, I’ll trust my flat mates enough to know that they’ll carry me home.

On the way back to the flat, she told me that I was very similar to her best friend at home in all manner of ways, and that she found it really cute. Slowly, I’m beginning to think she’s very much like mine, too.

This girl doesn’t know my story, and why I don’t like to drink, but it didn’t matter. She could see it was going to be difficult for me, and approached it in exactly the right way.

Maybe one day, we’ll be close friends. I sure as hell hope so.

Living. Laughing. Loving.


The Bucket List

About two years ago, I started writing a bucket list of fifty things I wanted to do before I die. Today, my list is fourty seven items long, and I’ve completed seven. I’ve decided that it’s time to give you a little peak into my world. My list, as you’re going to see, rangers from the small and seemingly easy to the massive mental and physical challenges, as well as some exciting things along the way.

Number 24 was the first item that I completed: read all the Harry Potter books. Although not a particularly difficult challenge, I felt a great sense of achievement from being able to write ‘done Jan 2013’ next to it, and it really spurred me on to keep going with my list.I first made s’mores over a fire at winter camp with Rangers in February 2013. They were amazing! Giving blood was challenge number 23. It was something that I really wanted to do, but I was very afraid of. However, a week after my best friend turned seventeen, we went together. I’ve been three times now, and am going for my fourth in a few weeks. Is fantastic, and so rewarding! I was so happy to pass my driving test with one minor in October. Alcohol has always been an issue for me, and it’s always something that I worried about. I’m proud to say however that in February I completed number 13, and 14: drink a glass of wine and go to a party with alcohol. My most recent achievement, and something that I’m extremely proud of is getting the Chief Guide Challenge award. I went to the presentation evening in April, and it was fabulous.

I’ve also got fifteen that I’m planning to try and complete in the next year.

1. Complete gold dofe
6. Complete my ALQ
8. Train as a monitor for ATE
9. Get my grade 8 flute
18. Keep in touch with my best friend from high school while at university
19. Watch the sunset on a beach with someone I love – of course, I’m not sure if this one will happen, but it’s an aim
20. Write letters to myself for later stages in life
22. Enter a photo competition
34. Take an exam without stressing – I’ll be very very lucky if I manage that before I leave school!
35. Before I leave school, donate hair to the little princess trust – booked in, it’s on Friday!
37. Bake each friend a special muffin for the last day of year 13
38. Run 10K – in three weeks!
39. Learn basic piano – my best friend was supposed to be helping me with this. I hope we get there sometime!
42. Say sorry only when you need to – this is a massive mental challenge, but I feel that I’ve come so far, I can make it all the way in the next year
47. Surprise my best friend one weekend at uni with coffee, pizza, cinema, and lots of chats

Today however, I discovered something really cool – a bucket list of friendship. I don’t think it’s something that I’d ever mention to my best friend, she’d probably think I’d gone mad. Separately, privately, and without discussion, you each write five things that you want to do together in the next year. Then you sit together, combine your lists, and make the first plan. As you complete each thing, you cross the item off the list. Going off to university is something that I’m really worried about. I’m a complete ball of anxiety over silly things sometimes, and I’m often worried that my best friend will forget about me. I do wonder if this would help me feel better? To know we always have a plan… That way, she can’t forget. As I said, ill never mention it though. I may be a lot more confident than I was when we met three years ago, but I still have a bit of a fear of being judged. Maybe you can try it though, I’m sure it’d be great fun!

Living. Laughing. Loving.


Riding the wave of happiness.

This weekend was one of celebration, fun, smiles, and laughter. This weekend was my best friends eighteenth. And I’m glad to say that we had an awesome weekend, even if we did get just a little bit drunk. It was funny because both of us remembered how to have fun together, and we loved it! It has been fantastic to take a break from eating disorders, worry, and tears. To smile, to breathe, to drink, and to dance.

An eating disorder controls a person, but it’s important that each person can take time out for themselves to have fun with their friends. I’m very proud that she did it. She may be feeling guilty now, but I’m glad that she lived for the moment. I’m so happy that she didn’t let it ruin her birthday, and I truly do believe her when she says that she had an awesome time.

I feel a little bit like I’m riding on a wave of happiness. I’m sure that at some point, the wave will break, and I’ll face plant the icy cold water, but for now at least, I’m enjoying the heat of the sun and the thrill of the ride.

Living. Laughing. Loving.