Regrounding Myself

I’m one of those people who finds social situations difficult sometimes. Equally, I’m someone who loves to be busy, and never to miss out. And of course, that leads to a girl who is always sleepy. I’m trained into early nights, deep sleeping, and naps. I can sleep through almost anything. I self regulate really well. I get nine hours of sleep per night, and I’m generally really good at making sure I keep on top of it, because I know that if I don’t, I simply won’t cope, and then I won’t achieve anything.

There’s some times though that it doesn’t quite work that way, and the result usually goes one of two ways – either I find the free time early enough to sleep for a long time and catch up, or I just power through for weeks and months until I am mentally and physically about to break from exhaustion, and the first second that I’m left alone with nothing to focus on, I break down.

That’s what’s happening right now.

I’m lucky in that tonight, I’m simply overtired from a very non-stop summer and now four days of constantly being surrounded by people who I haven’t seen for months, and thus needing to be social 24 hours a day. I’m not a naturally social person, and so long in the company of others is exhausting. But I’m not shaking uncontrollably or sick with worry, because there’s nothing to be worried about right now. I just need to cry myself into an early and deep sleep, let myself go a bit, ground myself, remember who I am, and I’ll be okay tomorrow.

I need some time to just be me, not the social butterfly that I need to be in order to make the most of and enjoy my time as a student. I need to enjoy the silence and listen to my own breathing because the real work starts next week, and I can’t afford to have this much stress built up in my system.

I can’t afford to bottle, and I’m feeling more and more every day like that is what I’m doing now. I’m starting to bottle again, and that beginning to worry me a little.

It’s nights like tonight, when I’m having my moment, that I really miss home. Most of all, I miss my best friend and her words of advice, and warm hugs. I miss my old life, when I got tired and stressed but I wasn’t worried about my friends from home telling me they are okay when they’re not, because I saw them every day and knew when they weren’t okay. And I didn’t have to be social quite so much and exhaust myself quite so much because more people accepted my need to sometimes be alone. 

But then I remember how hard things were that year, and I don’t want to go back.

But it’s nights like tonight if I question if things are any better now, or if I’m still ignoring the truth and keeping it all closed inside me?

And then maybe I’m just overtired, and that’s why I feel like this. 

I appreciate time alone though, I know that much. I have to ground myself, and whilst a small pang tells me I’m missing out by not going out tonight, I know in my heart that this way, tomorrow night will be so much more fun when I’m well rested. Alcohol and stress are shit, because nobody wants to watch me cry all night, and I want to have a good time if I get drunk, alcohol causes enough anxiety as it is.

Sleeping tonight will make tomorrow better. I’ll be so excited!

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Blink, and you miss it.

Sitting down for some time alone on the first day, a little bee perched on the rock next to me. Watching with intent, I noticed that it began to wash it’s face. Or at least, that’s how it seemed. Blink, and you miss it.

Scattering around in the stones to try and find something to pick up to signify the moment, so I would remember to blog about it, I found a heart shaped one. A perfect little heart, about 1cm in size. I picked it up and pocketed it. Blink, and you miss it.

Two white butterflies, dancing around on the top of the mountain. Blink, and you miss it.

A lone purple flower, only just visible because it is so small, hiding amongst the long strands of bright green grass. Nobody ever pays attention, it’s never noticed. Blink, and you miss it.

Turning my head on the journey home, I see the sleeping face of my best friend. So peaceful, so content. So ironic. But I take it to mean that it will be okay, and everyone will find peace somewhere. Soon, she awakes and we go back to our deep conversations. Blink, and you miss it.

In a twenty first century world, we are guilty of focussing on the big. For many of us, our lives resolve around the big things, the seemingly important things. I’m guilty, too. As a student I find that my life has a large focus on exams. I use a lot of my time worrying about my friends and family, and I am constantly busy with volunteering and extra curricular activities. On DofE this year, I took time to focus on the little things. It have me an opportunity to ground myself and really work on enjoying the experience. It was relaxing, and at times, it was all that kept me going. I’m proud to say that I completed it, and soon, I should be getting my award.

Living. Laughing. Loving.

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