Scars

I haven’t responded to a Daily Prompt for ages. Ages and ages. Today I stumbled across it when I came here to write a post. It fitted my thoughts and feelings perfectly. It summarised what I wanted to write, so I am using the Daily Prompt today. It means I have to think a little less, and that will help.

I am revising for exams at the moment. One of my units is, essentially, about the brain. That of course means studying mood disorders: depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, the list goes on.

I find the brain so engaging and interesting and mind blowingly cool (excuse the unintentional pun). But that doesn’t make some of the topics any easier, when I have to revise them over and over again. Studying the brain makes me revisit memories, scars, I guess that you could say. It makes me remember things that I try my hardest not to think about. It pulls at my heart and pushes me over, and it breaks me. I’m trying not to let it break me. This is science, and it doesn’t have to involve looking back at the things that hurt me, but it does. I just can’t help it.

Leavers dinner, afternoon’s in coffee shops, summer drives, tears, late nights, fear, worry, love, pain, friendship.

It hurts. I’m trying not to cry. I have to take an exam on this. I have another three weeks of revision to get through before that exam. But memories are impairing my revision, and I need someone so badly to come and hold me and tell me that I don’t need to worry about the past. I want to be safe, and I want everyone else to be safe. But nobody is ever really safe. Everyone is haunted by their past, scars never go away, mental illness doesn’t go away, and it makes me fear for so many people in my life.

Advertisements

Ache

Hey, you! Best friend! I love you, stupid!

Don’t forget that okay?! You mean lots to me and I miss you every single day. Last year, I used to get upset. I was afraid, I guess, that something would happen and you wouldn’t be there any more. Of course, that wasn’t true. You’re always here to stand beside me and to giggle with the morning after a night out (yep, that’s got to be the best bit!).

This year has been different. I’ve been a lot more confident, in everything. I think that a lot of that has stemmed from the confidence in our friendship. I know you’re here, and that’s it. I know that when I see you again nothing will change, we will laugh, I will cry, we will worry, we’ll dance, and everyone will ask if we are a couple (lols, just no!). When I said goodbye to you this weekend, I knew it probably wouldn’t be six months until I saw you again. Of course I was sad, but not sad enough to hurt me. We hugged, we promised to Skype, and I skipped off.

Now though, I’m absolutely aching for you. I feel as though I miss you with every bone in my body, and that’s something that I haven’t felt so far in second year. It’s a little like last year, but there’s something that I can’t quite pinpoint that isn’t the same. I’m not hurting. I know you’ll be back, and I know when I inebetably need you on results day you’ll be there (hell, my next step is to call you ‘just for a chat’ – I’d love to be spontaneously confident enough to do that, and I’d love it even more the day you called me out of nowhere!). It’s not helping though, it’s not making the aching feeling in my chest go away. It’s like I’ve realised all over again exactly how much you mean to me and I just want to share that with you. I don’t want you to be hundreds of miles away, because I’m coming down from our amazing weekend and reality and a lack of laughter is slowly hitting me, and it’s hitting me hard! I’m not hurting, and I’m definitely not afraid. I’m simply aching.

Perhaps I’m finally learning the true definition of ‘I miss you’. What do you think?

Five Years

Five years, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t really that long. But when you look at it that I’m twenty in a few months, five years seems much longer – a quarter of my life in fact. And five years is the amount of time I’ve known my best friend, as facebook very kindly told us today.

There’s times when I wonder how we made it though that time: how did she ever put up with me? How have I coped with her? But the answer is simple, we care about and love each other more than the other realises. That’s what friendship is about, and I love and appreciate that more than anything else in the world.

Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs. All friends do, and it’s perfectly normal. We’ve got our happy memories and laughter, and we have our regrets. In fact, I have a lot of regrets. But it’s important not to focus on the past, and instead consider the future.

There’s been times when I thought I might loose her, either through pushing her away with my own silliness, or really, actually loosing her. Forever, and gone. Dead. I hate that word. There’s been nights that I’ve been terrified that I won’t see her in the morning, or that she won’t want me to care anymore and will demand to never see me again. There’s been many many nights that I’ve worried about her.

I wish I had a magic wand and could make it all okay, for both of us.

But I can’t, so what’s important is that I’m always here for her. She could call me in tears at 3am, and I wouldn’t care. Hell, I’ve called her in tears at that time. She could call me one afternoon and tell me not to ask questions but make her laugh, and I’d try my complete and honest best to do so. She could ask me to sit in silence with her just so she knew that someone was there, and I would do it. She’s done it for me. If she needed me to, I’d happily jump on a plane and see her right now. I’d travel wherever she needed to go. I would do absolutely anything, and I truly and honestly mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I miss her every single day and I think about her every day. I worry about her every day, regardless of how she actually is. I wonder how little parts of my day would be different if she was there, and sometimes there’s nothing I can do to make myself feel okay because I just need her by my side, and she can’t be there. She’s far away now, and I miss her. I miss her more than I should, or more than I’d care to let anyone know.

Because friendship is everything to me. So here’s to the next five years, and that thought brings the escape of the single tear that I’ve been fighting back for weeks. Because I’m very very lucky to have someone who means and cares so much.

Contented

I feel easy, free, happy, warm and fuzzy. I’m content, and it’s beautiful. I always feel awesome after time with my best friend, it’s like a complete detox from the world. I think her awesome-ness just rubs off on me a little, and it makes me feel all glowing inside. I absolutely love it.

Despite an afternoon of a nagging brother, a very stressful day ahead tomorrow, and feeling very tired, I’m coping well with the world. I’m noticing little things today. I’m appreciating the little things, and I’m taking the time to float around on my little happy cloud and to just be. No expectations, no anxiety, just being.

I did a good deed today. I went to the supermarket, and as I walked from the far end of the car park, I watched the people climbing into and out of their cars, busying themselves and going about their day. Being such an introvert, I love to people watch. It helps me to figure out the world and to learn a little about people, to try and understand people, and what makes us who we are. To understand what makes my best friend so caring, and some other people so disgusting. Sadly, it’s something I don’t often get time to do. I lead a busy life. But today, on my happy cloud, I found time. I noticed, whilst walking through the supermarket carpark, two ladies. One, elderly and struggling to walk, and the second presumably her daughter. They’d just loaded the shopping into the car and whilst the older woman struggled to climb into the back seat, the younger one was trying to negotiate two trolleys into some kind of organised form so she could transport them back. ‘Hey,’ I said ‘Would you like me to take those for you?’ She was speechless. I took them, and as I walked away I heard them discussing how nice it was. That made me smile, that I could make someone else happy, and just prove to one more person that not all teenagers are the same. We’re not all the stereotype.

Colder Weather by Zac Brown Band. I’ve fallen in love. It’s not the only thing I’ve fallen in love with this week – look at this, it’s not surprising that I’m chilled!

 

But my best friend is awesome. Nobody else on earth makes me feel this good about myself. She’s looked after me again, and taught me that people will always care about me. She’s reinforced my ‘okay-ness’ and I can’t thank her enough. She’s a shining star, that girl, I only wish she could see it.

I owe her a thank you. Her, and her flat mates. They made my time full of laughter, and made me content that I can socialise if I try. The world is fairly safe.

In my content-ness and warmth, I’ve been thinking. Thinking about supporting myself through the enevitable stress of second year; and also trying a variation of something I saw online. Every week, I’m going to challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone. Idea for challenges are needed, I’m going to write the list best week and I only have two or three things so far! Sometimes that’s going to terrify me and there’s weeks when I’m sure the task won’t end well, but even from 500 miles away, my best friend stands by my side.

And I’ll stand by her. Forever and always.

What I Want to Tell You

I want to remind you that I’m here for you, and I want to remind you that I care. I need you to know that I love you, and you mean so much to me, that I simply cannot find the words. You make me laugh and smile, you know when to mess around and wind me up, and when to stay quiet, hug me, or give me advice. It means more than anything in the world. This friendship is crazy, and there’s times when I’m not even sure how it happened.

I want to remind you that I trust you. I trust you with my life, and there’s been days that I would not have made it through without you. I know that if I ever needed you, you’d be there. It’s just a phone call or a plane ride. You’re never more than a day away.

I want you to know that you taught me to be confident, to believe in myself, and to start to learn to be positive. You’ve done more for me than many adults have. You’re wise beyond your years. You’re a listener. You care. You give the best advice.

Most of all, I want you to know that you can trust me, too. I want to remind you that you can tell me anything, and that I love you to the moon and back. Nothing will ever change you, because I have already defined who you are. I already know that you’re beautiful, funny, kind, and silly. I know you’re awesome, and nothing is ever ever going to change that.

I want you to know that you can call me, anytime. You can laugh, you can tell me funny stories, you can be drunk, you can be sober, you can be sleepy, happy, upset, or angry. I may not always be able to find the words, but I’m always here to listen to you. I want you to know that if you need it, I’m here to hold your hand. I’m here to fight by your side. I’m here to wipe away the tears. And when you don’t need it, I’m here to just be present while you’re angry, or to laugh with you when you’re happy, or to be excited with you when you graduate.

No matter how bad or good anything gets, or how far away I am, nothing changes that. You can always trust me, just like I trust you. I’ll wait until you’re ready, I’ll wait forever if I have to, but I’m here to be by your side. Always and forever.

So maybe you didn’t want me to know about therapy. Maybe you did and your hints were your own way of telling me without having to talk. Maybe I got it all wrong and you did want to talk. I don’t know. I’d like to know what is going on, I’d like you to trust me, because it breaks me every single day to know that you’re hurting. But I want what’s best for you, and perhaps telling me is too much. Just don’t forget that I’m here when you’re ready. Nothing will change that. You can’t change that. I’m ready to listen, and I’m ready to do whatever you need me to, or even the things that you don’t need me to.

I’m here to wipe away tears. I’m here to listen. I’m here to chat for hours on the phone, or even to sit in silence if it helps to know that I’m here. I’m here to eat ice cream and watch movies and play card games at 3am. I want you to know that I’m your friend. I want you to trust me, so please please try. I may not show it, but I think and worry about you every single day. Even now, you may claim that you’re okay, but nothing is ever just okay, and when you care for someone as much as I do you, the things you keep quiet are not forgotten. You don’t have to be okay, I’m your friend. I’m safe, like I know that you’re safe. I couldn’t live without you. I want you to know that. So don’t forget it.

Talk to me. I’ll wait as long as you need.

Awesome

She’s awesome. My best friend is completely well and truly awesome. There’s hundreds of reasons, and tonight, they’re whizzing around my head. I miss her. I miss her warmth, her hugs and her laugh. I miss her silly faces and her ability to feed me waaaaay too much sugar. I miss revising with her, or being able to turn before an exam begins and watch her mouth ‘good luck’. She’s awesome, and she’s done so many awesome things. It’s beautiful. She’s beautiful. And there aren’t many beautiful people in this grey world, so she is very very special.

She’s my hand while talking to teachers.
Started to instil a positive mindset into me.
Given me the cutest birthday presents.
Carried me home whilst terribly drunk, and sat and held my hair at the toilet later on.
Wrapped me into a protective bubble in her arms when I was telling her the darkest secrets of my past.
Drawn pictures with me late at night.
Taught me to run.
And came back to run the end of the 10K with me so we could finish hand in hand.
Made me friendship bracelets.
Helped me to overcome fears and fight off demons.
Taught me that if you love someone enough, you will do anything to help them.
And in that, taught me that it’s always possible to forgive. The one time I thought she would never forgive me, she did.
Took me to a pub quiz where I knew nobody, had three glasses of wine on an empty stomach, got dizzy, and made and fed me pasta when we got home.
Rescued me from the flute lessons where I just broke down due to stress.
Taken long post-exam drives with me in the countryside.
Took me for coffee after my flute exam.
Stayed up all night just holding me while I sobbed.
Sometimes, she cried with me.
Went on a night out with me in London.
Made me laugh all day long.
Allowed me to be buzzing and happy despite being hundreds of miles away.
Supported me through my grandad’s illness and death.
And lit candles with me to remember him afterwards.
Stayed up late watching movies.
Accompanied me to my charity hair cut so she could laugh and take photos.
Always remained calm no matter what I have to say.
Eaten copious amounts of food.
Ran around Bristol like madman with me.
Waited with me at 5am outside Matilda in order to get tickets.
Made me feel brave enough to face giving blood.
Always believed in me.
And in doing that, she’s taught me to believe in myself.
Took me to visit my friend in an eating disorder clinic.
Made me cocktails on my eighteenth birthday.
Got tipsy and danced with our favourite teacher on her eighteenth birthday.
Taught me to trust again.
Talked me through lots and lots of panic attacks.
Been proud of me when nobody else was.
Allowed me to feel pride in the odd time that I proved her wrong.
And still helped me every single time I cried tears of frustration over things I couldn’t do.
Most of all, she’s been the big sister I never had. She’s been here for me every step of the way and I firmly believe that she will be, forever. I’d do the same for her, always and forever.

This friendship started with a shared secret. It was a secret that belonged to neither of us, but a secret that had a massive effect on our lives. It brought us to be extremely close, and have thousands of memories. I often wonder if she can remember like I do, if I’ve had an effect on her like she’s had on me. I wonder if she can remember things that I cannot.

But it doesn’t matter, because even if there’s things I’ve forgotten, the warmth in my heart when I think about her is enough. The ache I feel when I’m worried about her or haven’t seen her for months is enough. The smile I get when I’ve spoken to her is enough. It’s enough to know that she’s awesome. For that, I cannot thank her enough.

I truly hope that her exams go well. I want her to know that I miss her and love her, and I’m never ever going to let her go. I know these are just words, but she’s too far away for anything else. She’s awesome. And I wish she’d never forget that, or forget how much she means to me. I can’t wait for summer.

Just Like Her

Yesterday, I went to a meeting. I had to have a handover for a role I’m taking on next year. I got there to find two people there, the girl who I’m taking over from and her best friend, who’s also on the same team.

Bless them, they’re such cute friends. I rolled up as they’re planning their joint wedding – nope, neither of them are engaged.

Not long after getting there, the one I went to see, we’ll call her X, said that I reminded her of her best friend, Y. That was the best compliment X ever could have given me. Y is amazing. If I’m going to be like anyone, I want to be just like her. She’s organised, very very clever, an amazing leader, fantastic with kids, knows how to have the best joke, and is one of the most genuinely caring people that I’ve ever met. Yeah, okay, I can’t quite see myself planning a wedding any time soon, but she’s awesome. If I could be even half of her or half as kind, I’d be over the moon.

They’re graduating this year, and I’ll be gutted to see them go. They’re awesome. Both of them. They’ve really made me feel welcome in the past year, and they’re always there to give me a hand or a face to grumble at. Since we had the meeting, a three way Facebook message has evolved, and the flow of conversation has had me I fits of giggles for over 24 hours now.

Yesterday, they put me on a happiness high that usually only my best friend can achieve. To say that I remind her of her best friend is beautiful. When I’m going out into the big wide world in a few years time, I’d love to be just like her.

I’ll miss them when they’re gone.

The Road Is Long

‘On on travelling on
Time is short but the road is long
Joy and song may come my way
But I must stay’

I’m on the train back to university. I’m attempting to fight back tears. I don’t really know why, because I thought that my positive head was screwed on well and tight these days.

In reality, I know exactly why. Somebody around here uses exactly the same perfume or washing powder as my best friend. That would be the best friend that I haven’t seen for seven weeks. The best friend who I’m not going to see for at least another ten.

And it’s strange, to be honest. I don’t mean to sound grim or harsh, but I’m missing her for completely new reasons. Of course, I’ve always missed her for her, but until now, I feel like I’ve missed her support, her shoulder to cry on and her words of advice. I’ve missed her silently positive attitude, and I’ve missed her because I worry about her and her health so much more when she’s hundreds of miles away.

Right now, with my positive head, I’m missing her for a whole new set of reasons. Sure, exams will be hard and not having her by my side can hurt, but it’s not that which I miss. It’s not her support that I crave. I don’t miss the support network too much, because I’m slowly building my own coping mechanisms so we can both live our lives. I’ll always be there for her, and I’m sure she’ll be here for me, but that’s not what friendship is about. I miss the better parts of friendship. I miss her warm happy hugs and her smile. I miss her stupid faces and her laugh. I miss skipping around like we own the place, eating ice cream and watching movies. I miss the stupid volumes of food we buy, knowing that we’re safe to do what we want and be who we want to be. I miss that feeling of acceptance, no matter how bad the choices are that I make. I miss long drives with the windows down, baking cookies and late night card games. It’s simple. I miss her presence, her company, and the fun. I have fun with other people, but nothing will ever be like the memories I share with her. She’s just so DAMN AWESOME.

I’m heading back to university and I have exams ahead and I miss that fun. I miss her for who she truly is, and I miss our friendship for what friendship should always be about. Love, care, laughter and cookies.

Yes, we must travel on. We must remember those times and look forward to the future, but I shouldn’t loose focus. The next few weeks will be yet again, the most important of my life so far. I just pray that when it’s all over and when we’re both free, she’ll find a day for me. She’ll find a day for ice cream, a bike ride, perhaps a movie and a sleepover. I want to be kids again, and whilst I love and adore being an adult, I want to make the memories that we should have been able to make when we were children.

We simply met too late. But friendship is about being yourself. And I want to climb up the grass verge and roll all the way back down again. I want to test my handicraft idea for summer camp with her. I want to lie on the grass and watch the clouds. I want to sit on the beach and watch the sunset. I want to have fun. All I need to do is take it a day at a time, survive these exams. And so do you. Soon, it’ll be June, and I hope you can spare me the same day or two that I plan to spare for you. We don’t need to grow up just yet.

I miss you.

It’s not about who you miss at 4am when you’re lonely, it’s about who you miss at 2pm when you’re busy.

And I miss you. Twenty-four-seven. Like seriously, sometimes I think it’s a little weird exactly how much I miss you. But I guess it’s not, really. It makes sense. I thought the hardest part of these five weeks apart would be when I was in a place that I’ve visited the most with you by my side. London, of course. While we went to places that you introduced me to, and I did wish for you to be by my side, it wasn’t as hard as it is right now. I still missed you though. I’m always missing you.

Right now, it’s a little different. There’s 7 days and 17 hours until you arrive at my university to visit me for three nights. I’m so excited! A few days ago, you told me that you are excited, and that made me smile more than ever. But with exams looming, my stress levels at an all time high, and more tears than I have time for, I miss you more than ever.

I spend a lot of my time working out the time difference between home and where you’re visiting your dad, wondering if you’ve gotten up yet, how far you skied today, and what you’re eating. I hope that you’ll call me tomorrow, because it’s been so long since I heard your voice, and your voice is one of the few things that comforts me. It relaxes me, and while it’ll never have the same effect as one of your bloody awesome hugs, I feel a certain amount of tension fall from my shoulders when you call to say hi.

Now though, I need to concentrate on my exams. I miss you lots, and while I’d quite happily talk to you all day long, and it’s usually self inflicted, I really really can’t. I just can’t be distracted anymore, and so I mustn’t allow myself to contact you. That’s going to be hard.

But I’ll see you next week and we can talk and laugh and drink chai and smile, and cry if we need to, too. But we’ve got three days of fun to look forward to, and I’m so excited to steal your time away and claim it for myself.

I can’t wait to see you, but I miss you. You’re my big sister, and it’s hard without your little piece of the jigsaw to keep my heart glued together.