Wishful Thinking

I did something stupid this evening. It was so stupid, I cannot believe I did it. And my response when I realised I’d been stupid was even more shocking. I’m not quite sure what my brain is doing today.

There was someone walking in front of me, who looked quite lost. She had flowery doc martins, brown hair of about shoulder length that fell in loose curls at the bottom, and a dark coloured outdoors-y rucksack. I was just rushing to my last lecture of the day, and without even thinking, I ran up behind her, tapped her on the shoulder, and whispered the name of my best friend.

How could I have been so stupid? Of course it wasn’t my best friend. For starters, she’s not talking to me right now, for seconds, her brother is visiting her, for thirds, it’s midweek and she’s at uni, and fourth, she’s the other end of the country! After hastily apologising to the now very flustered looking girl, I raced off as fast as I could, to escape the moment.

I didn’t ask if she was lost. I didn’t ask if she needed help. I just burst into tears.

Whoops.

Better stop the wishful thinking. She’ll contact you soon, so chill.

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When You Miss Me

When I wrote my series of ‘open when’ letters for my best friend, I didn’t know what uni was like. When I wrote the one titled ‘open when you miss me’, I didn’t truly believe that she ever would miss me. I hoped she might, but I could never be sure.

Today, she said the words ‘I miss you, gonna open the envelope tonight’. I looked back at the letter that I’d written, and I realised that what I wrote all those months ago is not what I’d say anymore. If I were to write that letter again, I’d tell you some very different things.

If I could start over, and give you that letter again, I’d reassure you that it’s okay to miss me. I’d remind you that I miss you too, and that my heart burns whenever I think about you, or whenever I do something that makes me wish you were here. It’s okay to be emotional if you want, nobody (especially not me!) is going to judge you if you take down your wall for a few minutes. I know it’s built up high, but you can let me kick is down, I won’t hurt you.

I’d tell you that inside, I’m a little but glad you miss me. If we both miss each other, that just means that we’re super strong in our friendship, and that we deserve this. That we need this. That this keeps us alive.

If you said you wanted to hug me, I’d say that I wanted to be hugged, and I’d let you hug me forever if I could. But I’d also be quick to tell you that today is the one hundred day milestone. There’s only one hundred days now until you come and visit me, and very soon, we will be together. We’ll laugh the night away, we’ll eat ice cream and wagamamas, watch movies, and dance. We’re going to have an awesome time, and all the pain and the worries are going to go away, just for a weekend.

I’d say that if you want to talk to me, then call me. I’m here, 24 hours a day. But don’t let missing me ruin your degree. There’s more important things out there than me, and I’m not going anywhere. Promise. But trust me, call me anytime, and I’ll answer you. Even if you just want to reassure yourself that I’m not going anywhere, that’s okay. Because you know what? I miss you too. I miss you smile, I miss your laugh, I miss the feeling of safety you bring. If you want to write, that’s okay. Even if all you want to say is bad things, you can still write. I’ll read it. I’ve got time for you, you’re super special.

Finally, I’d remind you that no matter how far away we are, we’re in this together. We’ll get through this together, just me and you. It’s us against the world. Forever and always. Four hundred and fourty five miles will never ever take that away.