Missing the Music

I’ve joined orchestra, concert band, and flute choir. I’ve made a few trips to the practice rooms, too. My flute definitely isn’t missing out on the uni action, and it’s providing vital breathing space for me from work.

One thing is simple though, it’s just not the same. I may be playing my flute, and things like playing Alladin might take me back to my solo in year ten, but it doesn’t mean it’s the same.

I want to be back at school, so I can have flute lessons. I want to walk into that room every Wednesday and know that for fourty minutes, I can be me. I can be quiet, refuse to make decisions, and laugh when I struggle with double tounging. I can say what I need to say and even if I end up crying, I won’t be judged. Nobody will be told about what I say, and I’m safe to let down all my guard and let the music swallow me.

I miss my flute teacher. I think about the day my best friend took me to her, crying my eyes out, and she just arranged for us all to have coffee so that we could talk properly. It was a fairly horrible day, but she reacted in the way that I never expected her to.

Often I wonder if it would be okay to just drop her a text. Say hi, see how things are going. I don’t think that’s appropriate though, is it?

I just want to escape back to that little room, and let the world swirl around me in a few moments of blissful ignorance.

Advertisements

A letter to… My Reflection

To my reflection,

You’re an interesting one, aren’t you? Difficult to figure out. I don’t think even I have managed to completely crack the code yet, although a few have come fairly close.

Right now, I’m standing and looking at you, and this is what I’m seeing. Big, disgusting feet attached to chunky legs, in desperate need of more running and toning. I see an upper half that I’m not happy with, I’m not confident with. But in some clothes, you look awesome. I like that you can see your collar bones, and I like the colour of your eyes. Your hair is an untameable mess, that looks so much better when you straighten it. But you’ve taught yourself not to care about what others say or think, or even what you think about yourself, really.

You’re crazy. You would never admit it, but you’re crazy. Just take a look at yourself! You have all kinds of problems that you just shouldn’t have. Get with the programme, get them sorted. You’re supposed to have a brain, aren’t you? Occasionally, people even tell you your intelligent. So why have you let yourself become this monster? What happened to having fun? It’s a shame really, you’re essentially a helpless case.

Your face is a mask, built up over many years. The last few years in particular have shaped you. There are some out there who think that they can see through your mask, but they can’t really, can they? People have told you so many times that you’re ugly, stupid, unwanted… Now, you tell yourself that too. In fact, you believe that. Deep in your heart you want to undo that, and that’s why you have a need for constant reassurance. Of course, you’re too weak to do it on your own. You’re always the helpless one, aren’t you?

You’re a hard worker. You want to achieve, and you want to please. You would work until your death if it meant high achievement. Again, maybe that’s for the wrong reasons. Maybe that’s because you know you will get the positive attention from your parents that you’ve always craved. But really, that self satisfaction and pride does wonders for you. And that work ethic should hopefully help you to go a long way.

You are one to cling onto relationships. Maybe that’s because you haven’t really had enough positive ones in your life. You allow yourself to be ruled by the fear that you will loose those closest to you, and you are a selfish individual. You’re needy, and you’re never going to be independent. That’s not fair on those around you, and you’re often one to ruin experiences. Again, selfish and unfair. Often, you’re a complete waste of space.

You do however, shape the lives of others. And when someone lets you know that you’re appreciated, you feel like you’re on top of the world, and nothing else matters. You live to feel wanted, needed, and appreciated, and although it’s clear as day to everyone that you’re crap at it, you try your best. People don’t always see that you’re trying, and that hurts you. You need to learn to be more positive, and draw on the happier experiences. Too often you are dragged down by the things that have hurt you, but in doing that, you’re simply hurting yourself further.

So to you, my reflection, I give my final words of advice. Please take note of the comments of those you love, but don’t listen to those who wish to hurt you. Take a deep breath, jump off every cliff, cross your fingers, and the best will come. Try to take chances, we only live once. Don’t let the mask go, it’s good for you to keep the truth inside sometimes, but make sure you never ever loose that sense of escape.

Sincerely,

Myself

*This is part of a personal summer challenge that I have set myself to write ‘a letter’ to a different person or thing every week. I plan for there to be nine letters in total, and if anyone would like to join in this summer, even if just for one letter, or a letter to a person of their own, please link back to my blog, as I’d love to see it!*