Regrounding Myself

I’m one of those people who finds social situations difficult sometimes. Equally, I’m someone who loves to be busy, and never to miss out. And of course, that leads to a girl who is always sleepy. I’m trained into early nights, deep sleeping, and naps. I can sleep through almost anything. I self regulate really well. I get nine hours of sleep per night, and I’m generally really good at making sure I keep on top of it, because I know that if I don’t, I simply won’t cope, and then I won’t achieve anything.

There’s some times though that it doesn’t quite work that way, and the result usually goes one of two ways – either I find the free time early enough to sleep for a long time and catch up, or I just power through for weeks and months until I am mentally and physically about to break from exhaustion, and the first second that I’m left alone with nothing to focus on, I break down.

That’s what’s happening right now.

I’m lucky in that tonight, I’m simply overtired from a very non-stop summer and now four days of constantly being surrounded by people who I haven’t seen for months, and thus needing to be social 24 hours a day. I’m not a naturally social person, and so long in the company of others is exhausting. But I’m not shaking uncontrollably or sick with worry, because there’s nothing to be worried about right now. I just need to cry myself into an early and deep sleep, let myself go a bit, ground myself, remember who I am, and I’ll be okay tomorrow.

I need some time to just be me, not the social butterfly that I need to be in order to make the most of and enjoy my time as a student. I need to enjoy the silence and listen to my own breathing because the real work starts next week, and I can’t afford to have this much stress built up in my system.

I can’t afford to bottle, and I’m feeling more and more every day like that is what I’m doing now. I’m starting to bottle again, and that beginning to worry me a little.

It’s nights like tonight, when I’m having my moment, that I really miss home. Most of all, I miss my best friend and her words of advice, and warm hugs. I miss my old life, when I got tired and stressed but I wasn’t worried about my friends from home telling me they are okay when they’re not, because I saw them every day and knew when they weren’t okay. And I didn’t have to be social quite so much and exhaust myself quite so much because more people accepted my need to sometimes be alone. 

But then I remember how hard things were that year, and I don’t want to go back.

But it’s nights like tonight if I question if things are any better now, or if I’m still ignoring the truth and keeping it all closed inside me?

And then maybe I’m just overtired, and that’s why I feel like this. 

I appreciate time alone though, I know that much. I have to ground myself, and whilst a small pang tells me I’m missing out by not going out tonight, I know in my heart that this way, tomorrow night will be so much more fun when I’m well rested. Alcohol and stress are shit, because nobody wants to watch me cry all night, and I want to have a good time if I get drunk, alcohol causes enough anxiety as it is.

Sleeping tonight will make tomorrow better. I’ll be so excited!

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The World Is Busy

I’m hot and it’s dark. It’s getting late and I need to sleep. But I’m stressed and I’m struggling. I need a friend, but there’s nobody there. I’ve been forgotten and it’s breaking my heart.

I’ve not had a panic attack for months. I cannot remember the last time I cried myself to sleep. I’ve been coping amazingly.

But tonight, I’m not. I tried to reach out, for someone to talk to. I realised that I have nobody. It’s gotten me into a mess. Today has been tricky. I’m stressed and unmotivated, and this evening I’m disappointed in myself. I need a friend. I need someone to be here for me, to care about me, someone to be positive for me, to tell me that it’ll all be okay. I need someone to believe in me. Because today, I cannot believe in myself. For me, that’s something that I haven’t asked for for a while. I need someone to love me. But there’s nobody there.

It’s strange how there’s people there to answer the messages they want to, or to be free when they need to, but not to be there when you’re screaming their name. There’s not many people I trust in this world. I don’t have many friends. Tonight, I need ones that I have. But I can’t find them, I can’t find any of them. I can’t find her.

I don’t want to cry myself to sleep tonight. But I can’t stop myself, because I need to talk. I have things I need to say. I need to let go. It won’t take long, it’s not serious. It’s silly, it’s exams. It’s ten minutes.

People can’t find ten minutes. The world is busy and the pace is fast. For me, time is slow. I need someone to talk to. But I’m alone. So the tears will fall, but I must sleep.

I hope tomorrow will be better. I hope that friendship and love can be found. It’s ten minutes. It’s a few simple words. It’s a text message.

But the world is busy.

Fuzzy Happy Haze

On Friday, I entered my biggest and best fuzzy happy haze ever. It was beautiful, and I loved it. I giggled, I smiled, and drew pictures and told stories of laughter down the phone to my best friend.

You see, there’s one person who makes me really smile. Yes, it’s my best friend. Recently, she’s developed this ability to make me so happy. I can wake up in tears, and by the evening, just thinking about her and talking about mundane things can make me feel on top of the world. She says it’s the distance, but I don’t care what it is, because it makes me feel amazing. She doesn’t manage it every day, but when she does, it’s really special. It’s little bit like when someone tells you really good news, or you’re a really good level of drunk, and all you want to do is jump around a bit because it feels like you’ve got too much energy. You’re so bubbly and bright and zip around the place grinning like a banshee.

Sadly, this morning, feeling unwell and worried about my mountains of work, I’ve come down from the haze with rather a bump. I’m lying in bed, afraid to get up and face the day which lies ahead of me. She said on Friday that we could FaceTime today, but I know that she’ll probably have forgotten, or run out of time. Even if she finds the time, I’m worried that I might not have the time. I’m not sure what to do, and so I’m hiding under the duvet. It’s a stupid idea, I can’t hide forever.

I’m going to get up, I’m going to be an adult, and I’m going to face today. I can’t have someone checking on me all the time, it doesn’t work like that anymore. It doesn’t matter how much I like it, I can’t expect it. I’ll get my work done, and later, I can hopefully relax as planned. It’s going to be fine, and everything will be a hell of a lot better if I just stop being such a stress ball.

Blackness

Panic. It’s back again. I’m desperately trying to take my best mates advice and believe in myself. But it’s so so hard.

I’ve got an exam this afternoon. I’ve been awake for an hour and a half, I’ve done a bit of work, but now I’m back in bed.

Why? I’m dizzy. I know I’m only dizzy because I’m letting the panic swallow me up. My heart rate has increased, my ventilation rate has increased, and I’m shaking. That’s why I feel dizzy.

I’m trying to be okay, I really really am. I’m trying to be positive, and I’m trying to remember the goal I set of just beating my clever but lazy friend, but it’s so difficult. The panic is taking over me. At the back of my mind is that niggling thought that the weight of my life is resting on these exams, and slowly, the blackness is taking me.

I need someone to believe in me. I want someone to help me to believe in myself. But I know that somehow, I’ll survive, because if it’s easy, it’s not worth living for.

Living. Laughing. Loving.

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